Try to understand how fear and love are mixed in, in what areas of your life was abuse present when people loved you, it is often said that we will find someone who can abuse us and love us in the same way we were as children, we encounter these emotions as real beings if we do not own up to them, i recommend you read Alice millers book "For your own good.". When it comes to desire, you will have to understand why this need to give yourself away is leaving you empty, at the end of the day, as victims of abuse we all have issues with our sexual libido, the way we express it was trumped and defiled because it was a disrespect from a pedophile, a man or woman who chose to abuse power in order to rape. So our sexual power is out of bounds we feel it to be out of control, sex can be such a complicated subject, abuse not aiding in its clarity. Give yourself time and read up as much as you can on sex , sexuality and intimacy, sex and life are so united together that when recovery explores the sexual damage and it is healed, you see how much your attitude toward life changes, i would like to leave you with these lines that elucidate to me how much love,live and sex are connected.
We Are Transmitters by D. H. Lawrence
As we live, we are transmitters of life.
And when we fail to transmit life, life fails to flow
That is part of the mystery of sex, it is a flow onwards,
Sexless people’ transmit nothing.
And if, as we work, we can transmit life into our work,
life, still more life, rushes into us to compensate, to be ready
and we ripple with life through the days.
Even if it is a woman making an apple dumpling, or a
man a stool,
if life goes into the pudding, good is the pudding
good is the stool,
content is the woman, with fresh life rippling in to her,
content is the man.
Give, and it shall be given unto you
is still the truth about life.
But giving life is not so easy.
It doesn’t mean handing it out to some mean fool, or letting
the living dead eat you up.
It means kindling the life-quality where it was not,
even if it’s only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief.