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#450437 - 10/17/13 05:25 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
@Hd, one of the weerdest things i found myself with the cycles, is that while there would sometimes be a distinct cause, a nightmare, a triggering tv scene on tv, heck, even just trying to get through a social gathering at the wrong point, often there would be nothing I could say was a cause at all. I'd quite literally just "wake up that way"

The question for me wasn't how to prevent it from happening, or work out why, but work out how to get through the bad periods and minimise the damage.


Antidepressants helped with this, (when I actually tried one that worked rather than just making me perminantly zonked), though that was by no means a fix all solution, just damage limitation.

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#450492 - 10/17/13 07:15 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I read the thread and thought "pattern? Yes! It seemed to be a pattern...like my white skin is a pattern." No...I think "cycle...irregular cycle."

I carried the same bloody book with me for decades-- Title: "Still's Entirely Horrid Memories." I was able to hide it from my own eyes, as well as the eyes of people around me. But there those times when I'd dump all of my books and 'that' one would fall-open.

In my 20s, it was money to Bolivian leaf farmers.
In my 30s, it was money to the Bacardi family.

I would sit all night and kill-off a bottle until I could not read that book any longer.

Putting those nights to the words above is so bloody trite I can't stand it. NOTHING will capture the pain of those days or nights when the perps' ghosts would be sitting in my living room of my prize home, with my beloved wife and my magical children. They would sit there and laugh their psychotic, arrogant laugh that only demon-possessed, entitled jocks can deliver so as to deliver real spine-chills.

My poor wife would wonder what SHE did wrong.
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#450792 - 10/21/13 10:52 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I know this cycle not from my husband but from my dad. Now I can't look inside his head, but what Still wrote seems to fit for my dad, too. My Dad would shut everything away and never talk about anything involving feelings with anyone. All the agony and pain and everything he shut in would just built up until he needed to release pressure. Knowing no healthier way, it meant anger. Or rather ANGER. It was loud. Scary. Ugly. Now in his retirement, as he's slowly opening up more and recognizing his trauma (he grew up in a war-zone), the cycles are still there but much more subdued. How my Mom stood by him all these years? No idea. But she did. I think it helped when she recognized the ugly words had nothing to do with her. But my dad wasn't drinking and he wasn't violent, so there was no immediate danger to anyone's health.

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#450869 - 10/21/13 07:15 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Hope I think you're right. My H doesn't share anything about his emotions. He is under a lot of stress working to support us while going to school. I think everything builds up and he needs a release. I wish he had a better outlet than drinking but old habits die hard. He does know it is a problem and with each passing year his binge episodes get less and less frequent. I have to believe that one day he will find a better way to deal with life and all he has been through.
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#451406 - 10/27/13 03:13 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
MissyM Offline


Registered: 09/01/12
Posts: 7
."Here is what it looks like. So for a period usually a week or two things would go pretty well. He still doesn't open up much but will be really nice and considerate. We will be getting along really well and maybe have a couple fun things we do together. He won't drink too much and will act like a responsible adult. I will start to feel good about our marriage again. Then... WHAM! He will act like a complete shit. Drink too much, act like he could care less about my feelings. Justify his behavior with a bunch of crazy bullshit. Pretty much just shove me away emotionally with both hands. This asshole period only lasts a couple days."

Such cycling behavior describes my 18yr old son's relationship with me, minus the alcohol. When he comes home from school or work, we (his brother & I) do not know which version of him to expect. Will he be the respectful, sweet, caring one, or the one who rips the storm door off, kicks the door open, breaks walls, doors, cabinets; throws desk chairs, TV, cell phone, etc & tells me to "fuck off." I'll start to get used to the nice one, then "WHAM!"

It just came out 1˝ yrs ago that my sons, now ages 22 & 18 endured frequent, repeated CSA together over several years, beginning at ages 4 & 9. The repressed memories were triggered when the younger saw the mother of their abuser dating their dad again. He has been diagnosed PTSD (also inherited bipolar NOS). He does not remember his destructive episodes & any effort to intervene fuels the fire. It's hard to know what to say or do either way–even when he seems to want to talk.

The impacts on my older son are completely different, even more dysfunctional, but that's another story

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#451408 - 10/27/13 03:29 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
MissyM Offline


Registered: 09/01/12
Posts: 7
*sorry phone problem


Edited by MissyM (10/27/13 03:34 AM)
Edit Reason: Duplicate

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#451495 - 10/27/13 10:58 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
MissyM
I'm so sorry to hear about your boys. Even though I tell myself that the next wave of anger is coming with my H there doesn't seem to be anyway to "prepare" for it. It causes me lots of anxiety at times.
I think H feels so humiliated by his behavior after that he can't face talking about what happened afterward. I wonder if your son feels terrible after losing control as well.
I can remember a period when I was verbally violent with those I loved. I would fly off the handle and say horrible things. Afterward I would feel so humilated and crappy that I wouldn't apologize because I couldn't face the hurt I knew I had caused. I also at the time didn't feel like I deserved anyones forgivness.
I hope you son can get a handle on his cycle. Its so destructive for everyone involved. So painful to see that much hurt bursting out of someone you love.
Take care.
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#451624 - 10/28/13 07:54 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
When I read that someone is shaping their lives to someone else's cycle, it brings back memories for me. When missy writes that she and her other son don't know who to expect when he comes through the door, I remember feeling that way. And it is one of the first things that Al-anon taught me. That I needed to stop being part of that cycle. Anticipating the other's behavior is life destroying. And it is a crucial piece of the supporter's process toward creating boundaries. It's so darn hard though.... I sympathize immensely, but he needs your boundaries just as much as you do.

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#451705 - 10/29/13 01:35 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I agree Esposa. Boundaries are really important for both parties. And figuring out what boundaries need be in place and sticking to them in hard.

When I first told H months ago that I do not want him going to the bar anymore he tried to fight with me. I told him that I understand that I cannot physically stop him from going but that I would not support him going ever. That I would never take him there or pick him up anymore. I told him that if he chooses to go then had needs to stay the night at a friends house and not come home till he is sober. A month later when I enforced this with him and reminded him over the phone he was so insulted. How could I treat him this way blah blah blah.
It was so hard to stand firm, to remind myself that I was not the one who was doing anything wrong.
After that night I saw a Huge decrease in H's drinking. This really surprised me. I believe that me creating this boundary and standing by it helped him realize the seriousness of his actions. Perhaps it helped him see how toxic his behavior can be. I was able to get a good nights rest and not stay up worrying about when he would walk in puking on himself. It also felt REALLY GOOD to stand up for myself after it was done.
I still have more figuring out to do when it comes to boundaries with my H but I am getting much better at it. It's amazing how much we can slowly give our power over to another without realizing it.
I think for me it will take a long time without any incidents with H for my anxiety to completely subside. I have PTSD to begin with and so anxiety has been a struggle for a long time. But I do take a lot of time for myself and do the things that keep me healthy and happy. Thanks for the reminder Esposa!
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