Newest Members
JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish, JPmc
12437 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mTm (55), Oz (28)
Who's Online
5 registered (pete1973, aniceguy, bluesky, Jude, JW1230), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12437 Members
74 Forums
63847 Topics
445820 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#449938 - 10/12/13 01:51 PM The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!)
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I wrote a previous thread about intimacy anorexia. I wonder if this ties in at all with anyone else's partner.
I'm noticing a pattern with my H that I think might signify some progress but is very painful. Here is what it looks like.
So for a period usually a week or two things will go pretty well. He still doesn't open up much but will be really nice and considerate. We will be getting along really well, maybe have a couple fun things we do together. He won't drink too much and will act like a responsible adult. I will start to feel good about our marriage again. Then... WHAM!
He will act like a complete shit. Drink too much, act like he could care less about my feelings. Justify his behavior with a bunch of crazy bullshit. Pretty much just shove me away emotionally with both hands. This asshole period only lasts a couple days.
Then one morning he goes back to being nice caring H again,
and wants me to forget what an utter turd has was over the weekend.
It is really frustrating. I also don't understand it. It really sucks. I have a very bad attitude today and am struggling to see the silver lining. I feel like things will be going along just fine and then he has to take a big sweaty crap all over everything! Maybe it makes him feel manly to be a jerk to his wife every couple weeks. It is embarrassing because it just makes him look like an idiot to our friends. Blah! I'm just so pissed off. Last night he got way too drunk at his grandpa's birthday. Then when I left him after waiting for two hours for him he acted like I was the one who was out of line. When I brought up his drinking problem he told me that it drives him away when I bring it up. "Oh really? I'm driving YOU away by asking you about YOUR drinking? I don't really care you giant baby!" I didn't say that but wanted to. I went to bed. Today"s forecast looks like he will be a jerk for the rest of the day and then go back to being sane tomorrow just in time for work.
I don't remember cycling like this when I was healing so it's hard for me to understand. The dude is amazingly proficient at pushing people buttons. I didn't lose my cool last night, it was hard. Instead I pulled a chair up in front of his drunk ass. I held his hand, and said this.
"I love you very much. We both know you have a drinking problem you have admitted it. I am your wife and I'm here to support you. I know that the changes you want to make will take time and that I can't fight your battles for you. The way you acted tonight really hurt me and this behavior had gone on for a long time. I need you to talk to me about what's going on. I know that you don't want to talk about it but it's not going to go away if you don't address it."
I don't think this really did anything but I will say that I'm proud of myself for not giving in to my anger in the moment and yelling at him. Go me (patting myself on back)
Well I should stop ranting now. I just needed to get this out so that I didn't back my bags and drive off into the sunset.
I hope everyone else is having a better weekend than mine.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#449950 - 10/12/13 04:20 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hd, I can't speak about the behaviour, the distance or the drinking, but one thing I will say is yes, the dam thing goes in cycles! just check out some of my early posts from 2008-10 and you'll see.

Some points I'd feel absolutely and completely in the pit, trapped in the dark where I couldnt' muster the energy to do anything. That would go on for a while, ---- the longest ones I had lasted up to a week, then suddenly for some reason I'd surface. Sometimes there would be a culmination, the thing would get worse and worse until I could barely stand straight or perceive reality, then I'd play some uplifting music, write some poetry, watch the dawn, have a dam good cry and feel hollow, feel washed out and smooth like a pebble you find on the beach and I'd be okay. Sometimes, it'd just fade off for no reason.

In me, the down turns were always characterised by extreme apathy and a major desire to be alone, sometimes to the detriment of others, (once when my parents drove 120 miles up to see me I spoke to them only briefly in monosyllables then spent the entire day in my bedroom with the door shut).

I don't know why this is, possibly it's neuro chemical, like a drug withdrawl, I also don't know why some people get it and some don't.

I do know it gradually got better over time as I did more with recovery, and these days even if i have! a down period it is just for at most 48 hours and once every couple of months, I also know myself that I am able to analyse those poitns a little more clearly and understand what is happening, I know that it will! pass if I can just sit through it, as well as finding ways to get through it with minimal damage, (spacial and logic puzzles and resource management games I found helped, as did amazingly dark %80 coco chocolate. The only problem is this took a lot of work, a lot of self knolidge and emotional understanding and posting on this site, the other bad thing is it wasn't something I could ever myself recognize improving at all, especially! when I was in the worst parts of the cycle, albeit I do now realize it was! in fact getting better slowly over time, (and likely still is), though this was something I could never perceive for myself.

So yes, cycles can happen, but they equally can get better, albeit slowly with enough work.

I hope some of this is at least vaguely helpful.

Luke.

Top
#449953 - 10/12/13 04:37 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I am an alcoholic with 18 years sober.

I can speak on that from my perspective, only my life experience.

As an alcoholic I wanted escape from reality. One reality that was a particular intense pain was my CSA. It was absolutely humiliating. I felt at fault, as most men do. It was a horrifying pit of shame.

As a drunk, not dealing and drinking was my coping mechanism. I can see how there were growth spurts, and then pain waves to follow. I agree with others that say it feels like it gets worse before before it gets better. The steps forward dealing with emotional hot buttons bring waves of pain.

What I think is happening with your H... Seeing the truth, making some progress, then encountering a wave of pain.. And since he struggles to deal with it, he drinks. That drinking also brings on some shame for knowing you acted like an ass while drunk. Getting to AA or learning to process painful feelings without drinking will be the key to a less painful growth cycle.

I did have a pretty dark time after my parents died. I sat next to my mother and she asked me to forgive her for not leaving my drunk abusive dad. It brought things back that I had blocked out. It was a very bad time. I did not drink but I did some things I regret. I have seen that is somewhat common. I have learned a bit and have not repeated that behavior.

You are very patient. And nobody likes a hot sweaty turd laid out. I can understand your frustration.

The way you stayed focused and in control of your emotions is very admirable.

I hope you find the peace and answers you seek.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#449997 - 10/12/13 10:36 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 181
Loc: Virginia
"I love you very much. We both know you have a drinking problem you have admitted it. I am your wife and I'm here to support you. I know that the changes you want to make will take time and that I can't fight your battles for you. The way you acted tonight really hurt me and this behavior had gone on for a long time. I need you to talk to me about what's going on. I know that you don't want to talk about it but it's not going to go away if you don't address it."

HD001, I really think this was the right way to handle it. You did well. Even though it sounds like he's in a really bleak place right now, living with him during the healing process has to be at least somewhat bearable for you at the same time.

I'm just curious what is setting him off. It sounds like the rest of the time he's a nice guy. Is he willing to talk, by and large? You'd be perfectly within your rights to approach him in while he's in the "nice guy" mode (and sober) and ask him what's triggering this behavior. Hopefully you both can get to the bottom of what's turning on Mr. Hyde and isolate some triggers.

I know you sat him down when he was drunk; I'd be interested in his answers when he's in a good mood and sober. There must be something triggering this, and I'm NOT saying you are the cause. You certainly have the right to know what's doing it, and even if it takes some work on his end (some painful disclosures, for instance) I think you or his T can get him to come forward with some answers. I know how hard this hits spouses, so believe me, I get it. Take care.
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

Top
#450104 - 10/13/13 10:22 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
My husband cycled too - and it was usually when he would start to feel vulnerable.

Top
#450110 - 10/13/13 11:28 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 358
Loc: NY
HD001:

My kid's Mom is a sexual abuse survivor who also seems to "cycle". There are patterns that for me for a while were somewhat predictable. And yet, as Esposa says, in these patterns is usually a moment when something could turn out to be a little closer than the last time. The possibility of getting too close may be the kicker that causes the need to go numb again.

Each time we came back to that precarious place (we are separated), I took some notes, did some journaling and came up with my own perspective on what the distancing was really all about. When I had a moment to speak about it in couples therapy, I put it in terms that included possible feelings of vulnerability between us. That seemed to get a good, albeit brief response that gave me the feeling that someone was really there even in the midst of the predictable behavior.

Speaking for myself, I tend to indulge my patterns of isolating behavior when I get afraid of what might happen next. These fears are hard to stay with when they get going, and trying to speak them is even harder. But then life always has it's unknowns...

Hope you can start to get a handle on the finer aspects of what's causing the pain.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#450130 - 10/14/13 04:35 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
Instead I pulled a chair up in front of his drunk ass. I held his hand, and said this.
"I love you very much. We both know you have a drinking problem you have admitted it. I am your wife and I'm here to support you. I know that the changes you want to make will take time and that I can't fight your battles for you. The way you acted tonight really hurt me and this behavior had gone on for a long time. I need you to talk to me about what's going on. I know that you don't want to talk about it but it's not going to go away if you don't address it."
I don't think this really did anything but I will say that I'm proud of myself for not giving in to my anger in the moment and yelling at him. Go me (patting myself on back)


Go HD!!!! I am so proud of you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#450212 - 10/15/13 10:35 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 350
Does he have nightmares HD? When my H had nightmares (unknown to me) he did something similar.

Good job not giving into the anger!

Top
#450305 - 10/16/13 12:05 AM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
HD, we do have such similar lives!

Do you go to Al-Anon? That might offer you some of the solace you sound like you're looking for as far as the drinking goes. Looks like it's not working as a coping skill for him any more, and good for you in the approach you had!

I can't say how grateful I am for this thread. I've been baffled by the cycling for years.

Top
#450386 - 10/16/13 06:42 PM Re: The pattern (profanity warning, bad day sorry!) [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I wonder what is setting him off as well. I do think he has nightmares he has mentioned some. I don't know how often because he won't talk about it. He also won't talk about what's setting him off. When I bring it up 90% of the time he will deny being set off in the first place. But hey it used to be 100% if I catch him in the right moment he will talk a little bit as long as I don't ask too many questions.
He has been back to being really sweet this week. He went out and bought me some earrings on Monday. His way of saying I'm sorry without actually saying sorry I suppose. I hope he will be ready to talk a little more about this soon. I've decided I'm going to let this one go for now and next time it happens I will wait till he sobers up and try to talk to him again.
Thanks for the responses.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.