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#449873 - 10/11/13 07:22 PM depressed
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 269
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Hey i just wanted to say some stuff.
Last night i went to karoake and when this guy showed up who
WAS into me.
I asked him last night if he would like to do something some
time?
"For what, what did you have in mind? "
I said " to hang-out".
He said " we'll have to see how the night goes".
I think he wanted sex.
I am just accepting that i am probably gay.
I have never had it for women.
I like looking at women. But , if i liked women so much
i would have got some. I am still a virgin.
I hate everything about right now.
I am getting angry at my folks.
I just want to talk about my depression and loneliness.
I cant take this shit!
I went to GLBT Resource centre here in Wpg.
They dont have any support groups here ; where guys get-together and talk about their mental health issues .
I hate this. I feel so fucking alone. Or rather i
expect too much.
Thanks for reading.

Goran

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#449878 - 10/11/13 10:02 PM Re: depressed [Re: Sterling]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
hey man
Im sorry you are hurting. I wish there was more available to you to help with your pain. I hope you will come here as much as possible to allow us to support you as much as we can. I know its not the same but it is something. for what its worth I have been where you are now, I really felt I was gay I just didn't have... something. I never had any real drive to get me with a woman. but I am married now have been for a long time she kinda found me. still some issues and things that are hard to deal with mostly in my head but it CAN work. sometimes life surprises us man. feel free to PM me if you like I listen pretty well maybe not much on advice but I can listen
jeff
just my experience I'm sure you will do what is best
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#449885 - 10/11/13 11:36 PM Re: depressed [Re: newground]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 269
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
yea , it sucks. Thanks for sharing.

I really spent alot of time looking online for
groups.
If you want sex ; pfft! , it's everywhere.

There is another guy who gave me his phone number ,last
year. I still have it in my mind. But , he only
wants sex too. frown
I really hate it here. i have many good ideas.
A few have revolve support groups of different kinds.
This city , i find is exhausting.
I hope , if i get really happy and stronger, smarter
that i dont turn if some guy or girl needs help finding
resources that i should not care.
If you want hook-up ; phone lines, net, bars, bathhouses
it is very sad.
-if i did that i would feel disgusting and fall really
trapped.

Thanks again NewGround and others.

G

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#449902 - 10/12/13 06:53 AM Re: depressed [Re: Sterling]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3601
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Goran, good to see you man.
Well it is like that with many of us. I'm too sometimes confused and not sure about own sexuality.
Well what I'm sure is that I want to have more male friends (I've been surrounded with "throng" of girls, lol) and to spend some time with them excluding any sexual connotation.
I personally need much more and it is out of question to have anything with people who are only interested for hook-ups.
So buddy be aware that you are not alone.

Hugs wink !

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#449904 - 10/12/13 07:58 AM Re: depressed [Re: Sterling]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Oh Goran, that is a horrible way to feel: "If I weren't gay, I would have had a woman by now." Guys grow up saturated in sexual expectations, every male character in TV / movies / books / even video games either has a girlfriend or has made one by the end of the story. Guys bluff and bluster and brag about their histories, often to hide emptiness inside, and those that overhear cannot tell truth from fiction. Those who are virgins think "what's wrong with me?" Have a guy get comfortable enough and drunk enough and he might very well say that exact same thing.... I heard it a lot in college and took my turn at saying it too. A few years ago I was a youth mentor for high school kids and held a relationships workshop, and everybody agreed that "virgin is the new gay." The guys were EXTREMELY uncomfortable discussing it at all. The social expectations, sense of personal failure, frustration, and loneliness can be crushing.

You have said several times in the past that you want male FRIENDSHIP, guys to hang out with, and that this has gotten twisted into performing sex acts you deeply regretted later. You've said you wanted women - but that your whole life you were tortured with denials of your basic masculinity, as the perps in your family would dress you like a girl and refer to you as one. You've also said you are so dissatisfied with the size of your penis that the only one you really want out of life is a different one for yourself.

All of that adds up to many valid and rock-solid reasons why you would be too scared and embarrassed about your masculinity and so lacking in positive male role models and assistance that you would not be able to confidently pursue a girl.

I think it is premature for you to "settle" on being gay strictly as process of elimination when you say on some level it does feel wrong and you like women. The abuse that was puked and shit onto you was aimed directly at your masculinity and male self-image. You should not have had to deal with this confusion and isolation. This is part of what they did to you and I'm so sorry about it - and angry for your sake, too.

((((Goran)))) sexual identity is one of the most painful questions any man can struggle with, especially survivors, but since it seems to have been the main target of cruelty from perps in your case I can barely even fathom how much you are suffering.

You need a therapist who specializes in sexuality and sexual behavior - one who will listen instead of rushing to categorize you as others did in the past. If you can't find such a specialist where you live, try to find a real, non-porny website devoted to it; try writing or calling professional sex therapists or advice columnists (Dan Savage is something of an oracle on the subject).

And above all keep letting your feelings out here. This is not a place where people strut to impress other guys. People here "get" confusion and loneliness. We are on your side and hope you get the resources you need to feel satisfied and whole.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449942 - 10/12/13 02:43 PM Re: depressed [Re: SoccerStar]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 269
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
You said alot of things that "hit" me hard!
With dressing me as a girl. And they laughed at me ,alot.
I think ,exposing me naked. My dad even laughing ,too.
I think you are right; about not strictly identifying myself
as gay.
It doesnt bother me. But there are 2 groups ;one GLBT
Healthy Living -this is in a week from now.
Another i found out " Mental Health for GLBT".
I am scared but i wanna go.
I just dont like someone throwing anger at me.
I got this alot as a kid.
And i just want to be absolutley honest w/ myself and
everything so i can get some peace, inside.
What is hard for me is this need to be loved . And when
i get attention from a guy- but am terrified of women; i
am placing the risk of danger to me. God has helped me
alot. And i dont want to risk getting myself abused b/c
of my unsure of what to do.
Especially when another person might be ready to go..
"ah, i have been sexually abused, and i am not wanting to do
this". I cant imagine the anger the person would feel.
Sex,sex ,sex ..i am just sooo tired of it.
I want to be loved.
I now one thing i am tired of assuming that other people
are experiencing the same thing.
I dont like this! I had to learn the hard way.
No more touching guys , on the back or flirting period.
It is weird tho. I can look at a women's chest and her walk
, her butt...the only thing is; is it possible i havent
went thru puberty?
i cant imagine how this could be. I keep saying this in
my mind wherever i go ...but the laughing from my dad and
his irresponsiblity to take care of me.. i dont care about
him, or his mom,dad..and
i am done with it!
Cant thank you ( guys) enuf.
Really ,thanks a bunch SoccerStar.
I wouldnt never been where i am for it wasnt for you guys.
I told my mom this last night. I got pissed off at her.
I said ;after her tellling me "oh you have only one brother,
you should be very close to him"...i would reply
" these guys ipa and Malesurivor- they saved my life! ,
I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for them"!
She shut-up quickly!
Anyway i do say truth.

Always
Goran


Edited by Sterling (10/12/13 02:47 PM)

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