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#449836 - 10/11/13 09:22 AM This my story
Calmsea Offline


Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Great Britain
This my story. It all started when I was eight years old some forty years ago and, have be suppressed until a recent crisis brought them out. The memories are still sketchy and I have a nagging feeling that there are more to emerge.
The first assault happened along the lane from where I lived a local youth pushed me down into the long grass pulled down my trousers and underwear and raped me. I can remember the exact location and even the direction I was lying. I remember the sunshine the sound of the grasshoppers.I can still recall the shock of the size of him. I had seen little boys penises before but, this was no little boy. After he had finished he was kneeling in front of me and I can remember seeing the blood on the end of his penis. My blood.He told me it was our secret and I was tell no-one about it ever. I was worried if anyone found out I would be taken away from home.
How I got where happened and how I got home is still unknown.
My mother found blood in my underclothes a few days later and with a neighbours mother quizzed me about how it could have gotten there, asking whether I had been with this youth. I was terrified and denied it. It seems he had try to the same thing with my neighbour.
The second assault brings me more shame and guilt as I blame myself.
H e had a gun that fired pieces of potato and I really wanted one desperately. We weren’t well off as a family and toys like this were just a dream for me. I remember the fashion and fad toys that the other children had, and remember not having them as we couldn’t afford them.
He told me I could have it if I did something for him. H e said “If you let me put my willy in your bum for five minutes you can have this, five minutes is a very long time he said, and he pointed at me as to make the point. I remember this as if was yesterday.
We were indoors. In a bedroom the bed was unmade; I remember the white sheets and blankets all askew beneath me. He was on top of me, pushing his penis between my buttocks and right into me. The first time he just laid there on top of me with his penis inside me it hurt a lot but was bearable. This time though he was not at all gentle he actually thrust in and out of me the pain was awful I asked him to stop but he said it’s not five minutes yet. I kept asking is that it now, is that it now, all he said was not yet. The next thing I remember was finding blood in my underclothes again, and being terrified of being found out, so I hid them behind my bed. I later hid them in the dustbin.
Thank you for reading this

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#449881 - 10/11/13 10:48 PM Re: This my story [Re: Calmsea]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1563
Loc: New England
Hi Calmsea,

Welcome to MS and congratulations on having the courage to put your story out there. Many of us are middleaged men who have surpressed what happened to us all our lives. I hope you find some comfort and strength by being here.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#449919 - 10/12/13 10:12 AM Re: This my story [Re: Calmsea]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Calmsea-

I am glad you found this site and can get some healing and relief did what happened- honestly admitting the truth about ourselves in a safe supportive place can be powerfully beneficial and freeing.

Keep moving ahead on this journey.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#450065 - 10/13/13 03:42 PM Re: This my story [Re: Calmsea]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I share the memory suppression... I too had the idea that there was more... there was...

You are not alone.

Heal well...
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#450096 - 10/13/13 08:18 PM Re: This my story [Re: Calmsea]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Thank you for sharing
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450105 - 10/13/13 10:38 PM Re: This my story [Re: Calmsea]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
Thank you for sharing . . . good luck in your healing journey.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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