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#449824 - 10/11/13 08:09 AM Protocol 101
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I wen't to my son's High School open-house yesterday. It felt SO wrong cuz MY father would go to mine if he was in town, come back to the house and start screaming and hitting. My son OWNS academia and thus the teachers have nothing but total praises for him. The spanish teacher said he seems to drift-off day dreaming in a severe way, but if she challenges him to repeat-back what she just said, he gets it perfectly.

THE PROTOCOL QUESTION:
I saw one of his class-mates (girl) on my way into one of the buildings. I've known this girl since she was born. She startled me with a big smily "Hello Mr. Stillman!" I looked up and there she was on an upper stair.

She's 14, and has grown into a knock-out beautiful young lady by anyone's standards. I see her mother quite often. She'll hear that I ran into her daughter at the open-house.

HOW do I compliment the daughter [to the parent]? DO I compliment the daughter? MAY I compliment the daughter? SHOULD I compliment the daughter? [EDIT] all of this paragraph would be directed to the girl's mother, as I see her every time I do laundry.

If you say "yes," go ahead and compliment her daughter, how do I do so without sounding creepy or pedophilic? Or am I already creepy finding a 14 yo beautiful in a fully non-sexual mode.

Sorry if this is a stupid question. I truly don't know this stuff.


Edited by Still (10/11/13 09:34 AM)
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#449827 - 10/11/13 08:20 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
It is good you asked this - it is sensitive territory and guys can come off as a creeper without meaning to.

It would be appropriate to say "you look great - very happy and confident. I hear you're doing well in school...." and then transition into a talk of academic interests, goals, college, etc. Do not make any physically-oriented complements - don't say she's pretty, beautiful, turned into a lovely young lady, the dress, the hair, anything physical at all. All of that would be creepy.


When I was about 20, we went to a family friend's Bar Mitzvah and my mother pushed very hard for me to go introduce myself to one of the guests. One of the Bar Mitzvah boy's friends. A 13yo girl. She was tall for her age but unmistakeably 13. I demurred but mom wasn't having it: "Why not? What's the harm in talking to a pretty girl?"

"MOM SHE'S 13! They are over there playing Coke / Pepsi!"

"You're shy? It's cute that you're shy."

"....."

"Don't worry. She probably would have been intimidated by talking to a (*name of Ivy League college here*) man, it probably wouldn't have gone anywhere."



Matt
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#449828 - 10/11/13 08:42 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you SS....it IS a good thing I ask. Its hard to believe I made it this far in life.
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#449833 - 10/11/13 09:13 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
I once complimented the neighbor's daughter by saying that she looked like the next Kathy Ireland. The mother appreciated it and the father was all PO'd. I don't know why. Maybe he thought his little girl on the cover of SI is a bad thing. I don't really see it that way.

Anyway, the easiest thing to do is cut out the compliment and go straight to the "How are you?" "How are your parents?" "How is school going?" etc. Throw in a "You look great!" if you want.

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#449834 - 10/11/13 09:16 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
She is a nice young lady.

Or if she looks like mom, mention that.

I think girls are usually quite sensualized by 16.
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#449837 - 10/11/13 09:32 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Yeah, I never speak to any kids unless one of mine are along. In this case, I just said, in a surprised voice, "Missy,...hey...how you doing...any idea how I find classroom X?"

I miss-spoke/wrote in asking "how do I compliment the daughter." What I meant is "How do I compliment the daughter TO the parents?" Now I'll just talk about "those Red Sox."
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#449838 - 10/11/13 09:33 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Come to think of it.....I can't think of one instance where H ever complimented anyone under 30......or over 30, besides me.

I don't think it's any social faux pas to not compliment someone. It's probably only really expected if they are in a prom dress or something for a special occasion and then it's more about what a great dress it is and not the person themselves.

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#449844 - 10/11/13 11:58 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
A good compliment on another women when with your wife?

It is safe to say, she don't sweat much for a fat girl...

smile
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#450308 - 10/16/13 12:20 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Tell her mama that you saw her at Open House and she looked like a happy kid who is handling the teen years well.

As a mom to three teens, two of whom are girls, I'd be freaking thrilled to hear that.

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#451143 - 10/24/13 12:35 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Airmid]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
As a parent & grandparent, I would only address the parent, not the teen. Too many suspicions these days, THANK YOU GOD !
Isn't that why we are all here, Awareness ? Better safe than sorry. JMOpinion. A Mom & Nana.
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#451194 - 10/24/13 05:35 PM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Can I just to a moment to say that I think its sad that a man has to be so parinoid about giving a complement.
Still I think you are smart to be careful. Its sad that csa is so prevelent that if someone says "hey good looking kid you've got there. " they have to worry about coming off as a pervert.
If you want to play it safe just make a comment about how much she has grown since you last saw her. If the Mom gets creeped out by that then well that's just ridiculous.
There is such a double standard. As a woman I'm allowed to comment on the appearance of children and teens and no one thinks twice about it.
My H also worries about coming off as a perv. He is so careful when it comes to kids and boundries. As a man I understand you have to be careful but I will say this is one area where I don't envy you guys.
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#451198 - 10/24/13 06:20 PM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
I agree with HD - such a double standard, and given the recent post by pufferfish with the stats on female abusers, it is a dangerous double standard indeed.

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#451234 - 10/25/13 12:07 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
A neighborhood female peer-friend of my son was pretty much a tomboy in all ways (herein called Girl X). She was/is just like my old childhood friend from across the street whom I lost on 9-11.

So anyway, X could play the full boy's role and then-some. She had the scabby knees and elbows, could out skateboard my kids and still catch frogs all in the same day.

X, me, my kids and ex-wife are all very comfortable around each other. We've all known each other since X was born. During a kitchen table conversation between all of us, the topic of wearing a dress came up with my tomboy daughter and girl X. I believe her words were "I'll die before I wear a dress." I said nothing and smirked. She said "WHAT!!!" and punched my arm.

Fast forward to the High School X is now in. Walked by me wearing a dress. Frowned, clenched her fist and made NO eye contact while storming by "Don't you dare say a word Still !!."

So I already know the answer for this one. Even my son knows to not say a word.
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#451242 - 10/25/13 03:48 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
"What a lovely young lady your daughter has grown up to be. You must be very proud of her. HEY, how about those Red Sox!"
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#451251 - 10/25/13 07:51 AM Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Moved to its own thread.


Edited by Still (10/25/13 07:58 AM)
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#451282 - 10/25/13 05:26 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:45 PM)
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#451308 - 10/25/13 10:53 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Quote:
not really a societal issue of being able to compliment a young person or telling their parents you think they are thriving in life.


Well, I can't fix society's weird adherence with the myths, and since my ex told the entire town I was every sort of whack-job possible, I have to watch my step every minute of every day when I'm here. This is also the town that unconditionally protected the career, multiple CSA offender, even though they KNEW he did it.

I was not seeking to apply labels to anyone, especially any child. Furthermore, I've never pushed anyone into any gender role. I don't think I've seen it done except by mega-jocks' parents. The concern here was strictly to not fk-up when communicating with normals.
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#451341 - 10/26/13 12:06 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
So the question isn't really based on a societal issue at all... it's based on what your ex told people and how it effects you in your community.

Sadly the vampire myth certainly prevents me from being open about my abuse... and I too would be very upset if my truth/ private journal was forced out there.

I'm not asking for details, but I am curious exactly what she said about you... What the healing journal said that so many turned on you..I don't have the time or energy to really get involved but all the times I've read you say this, it peaks my curiosity.
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#451342 - 10/26/13 12:13 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:45 PM)
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#451395 - 10/27/13 12:51 AM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Castle]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Castle
So the question isn't really based on a societal issue at all... it's based on what your ex told people and how it effects you in your community.

Sadly the vampire myth certainly prevents me from being open about my abuse... and I too would be very upset if my truth/ private journal was forced out there.

I'm not asking for details, but I am curious exactly what she said about you... What the healing journal said that so many turned on you..I don't have the time or energy to really get involved but all the times I've read you say this, it peaks my curiosity.


The journal documented the voice of the 8-yo for all the things he was never allowed to say, reveal, etc. It allowed him to scream in a voice he Still does not have. I spoke of the home violence that is rarely discussed here at MS...that I Still cannot truly loot at without falling apart.

It spoke of all the fears of being found-out. The self-loathing, the self-hate, the total lack of love.

As for the Village People. What Ex told them was generally that I hid being abused as a child..."sexually abused dontcha know." From there, all the Billy Ftards were allowed to come to their own conclusions and they ALL seemed to be based upon the myths. You may not fully get just how deeply entrenched the myths are in the general population...but they are farging deep!

The judge ate it all up and gave her every restraing order or action she wanted. I had to watch my son's baseball from a distance. No one would come over and even say hello. I don't need to go into detail...just so its known, I know how messed-up people are in seeing CSA.
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#451397 - 10/27/13 12:59 AM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Castle]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Castle
recently with my own kids issues have come up because they are labled by some as " too sensitive" ( which is ridiculous), and speaking with some people we prefer to say or kids have tender hearts. Being sensitive is a gift, and times I want to reply I rather have a sensitive kids, than a sociopath who has no feelings or care when they push kids buttons. Others who have. kids who tease and have no boundaries who's parents justify thier actions by saying the other kids is too sensitive... totally mental.

How much should a kid have to take vs other kids just not messing with those who are more tender.


The devouring of children's souls begins.

This is the type of animal attack I have no tolerance for. The morons don't know they are too moronic to function with people of true value.

I've seen this too many freakin times man! It amazes me who falls away in our view as friends and quality people. "Well...maybe they ought to toughen-up a little!" "Maybe you ought to drink this glass of Habanero juice!"
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