Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (finallyhere, Jay1946, 1 invisible), 20 Guests and 11 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443149 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#449821 - 10/11/13 06:03 AM Guilt *trigger warning*
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
I just have to tell someone about this, it is just spinning in my head.

I have these vivid memories and when I'm not distracted they become complete flashbacks and I lose time and space. All the time I think that I deserve it and I am worthless and should be punished, just because those thoughts make me hold it together so I don't just break down.

But I need to tell someone. I remember the lying and the cheating and the feeling of being trapped, I couldn't make it stop, I couldn't tell anyone, I was too little to run away or commit suicide. My mothers eyes when she looked at me and my feeling of guilt and shame, if she knew what I was doing behind her back she would die or she would kill me. She should kill me and get another child, I was put on earth to make her happy, to take care of her, to give her the perfect family she always wanted. Instead I was lying and cheating and pretending to be normal.

My dad would take me in the car and we would meet other men and he would sell me. I remember resisting in the beginning, when I was too little to understand anything and then we would be going somewhere and end up somewhere else or he would drug me. Then when I was a little older, six or seven, I remember my total compliance.

I remember this dressing room and showers of a place where father worked and he would make appointments. We would go there at early night and meet one or more of his friends and he would tell me before what to do, what name to answer to, like it was something we did together. And after he would set a new date with the men looking in his calendar asking me when I needed to be in school, how much time I needed after to be able to act normal, when I had gymclass so marks on my body would be seen. And I would answer, totally compliant. I cooperated in everything. I remember the feeling of being trapped, I couldn't make it stop, and then I would lie to my mother and I felt like a horrible person!

And the abuse, when I was age six and more, I remember as not as bad as the lying, the cheating, the feeling of guilt and the constant work to try to seem normal inbetween. I remember the abuse as liberating sometimes because I couldn't think of anything else when I was being beaten and raped and I felt like justice was being made, like I got what I deserved. And many many times I hoped I would die but I never did.

And now i have these memories and I alter between the feeling of being trapped, the image of father and his calendar, and on the other hand the somehow comforting feeling of guilt, that I deserved it all and more, that it was ok and that I succeded, I did hold it, my mother never knew.


Edited by Blessedcurse (10/11/13 06:05 AM)

Top
#449839 - 10/11/13 11:06 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Right now I have this really vivid memory of the booking of a new date for abuse, father and the man talking, making jokes like it was a normal situation, it was after abuse and I was dressed, just waiting. And i remember them booking a date a couple of weeks away and me thinking that it was so long time, how would I manage to be normal all this time. I was splitting my time into these spaces between the abuse like my life would be over the next time, I couldn't bare to imagine my life longer than that. Every time I hoped that I would die, it was like a chance. I remember the black plastic bags father would put the trash in when cleaning up and hoping I would end up in one of those bags the next time. It was how I survived. Thinking that it would only be until the next time of abuse. Over and over again.

I remember father treating me like we did it together, like it was our secret. I remember lots of different occasions of abuse. He would make a booking with this particular man but that didn't mean nothing would happen until the day had come. He would make other bookings with other men. Other arrangements, other places. We would lie to the men too, pretend that I was whatever they wanted. Less experienced, more experienced, older younger, willing och unwilling. We would make up stories about my life and personality that I would share with some of them who wanted the "normal child".

I knew so much about the planning, when I was about six my father would tell me, prepare me. Before that he would just surprise me and I honestly don't know how he made me keep the secret when I was so young. When I was older it was easy. He would say nobody would believe me, my mother would die or she would hate me, I would go to prison, he would go to prison, everybody in school would know that I was a whore and so on and so forth. He would threaten me too and he would threaten to use other children instead of me (younger children that I felt responsible for).

I remember feeling totally responsible. Lying to everybody. Going over the stories with father, what to say and what not to say. Hiding the marks on my body, making stories of bike accidents and stuff. And I was feeling so guilty, mostly towards mother who I saw as the victim in all this, innocent, unknowing, having given birth to me and all. Just wanting a normal happy family, was that too much to ask?

I felt guilty towards the men because I lied to them, made stories, some of them seemed really touched by stories that weren't true, some I met over long time, they thought they knew me but nothing was true. I felt guilt for cheating on them when they thought we had something special. I felt guilt for getting affection I felt I didn't deserve. I felt guilty for making a mess when I was bleeding, that father had to clean up. Guilt for being a whore, guilt for pretending I wanted stuff I didn't want, guilt for making trouble by resisting. I felt so guilty for other children that were abused sometimes too, that was the worst I think.

I remember the confusion, the feeling of being trapped. In the long run, trapped in fathers calendar, but also trapped in every situation. I couldn't tell mother because it would kill her but lying made me guilty too. A perp being unhappy with me or acting hurt made me suicidally guilty. The confusion. A perp would tell me to give him a bj, I would refuse and he would go oh, you don't care about me, well i don't blame you, I'm getting old, nobody wants an old man, that's right, you should be happy when your young cause being old is just sorrow, I can see I disgust you, after all the times we had together is this what you have for me, disgust... And so on and so forth until I was crying willing to do anything to not be this horrible superficial selfish person. The confusion in my head, I remember it so clearly, trying to hold on to reality for a while but getting more and more entangled in the adults interpretations until I just gave up and accepted their reality.

And the guilt after, when they acted like I wanted it, the confusion. And the ones who wanted to be violent, who wanted that I resist and I was fighting and feeling guilty for pretending resistance when I was just doing what I was told (like run across the room, grab the doorhandle but don't open it, be careful not to fall and hit your head on the sink, struggle as much as you can but don't bite or hurt him) It was all an act. Sometimes. Sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes I forgot that it was an act when I was resisting. And I felt guilty for not making the right amount of resistance, for making mistakes and start bleeding, for passing out too early.

Many times of waking up in the shower on the floor, this man and my father standing tall over me, showering me, saying I made a fool of myself in some way, blaming me for the blood being washed down the drain. I hated waking up. I hated my self. I wished they would kill me. I remember this special guy being particularly violent and I remember liking that, the release of tension, he could just get all black in his eyes and I think he would lose control. I would have rigid rules from father of what to do and not to do, to give him the "rape scene" he wanted without triggering his rage and I would brake the rules hoping to be killed.

I remember giving bj's after the abuse, after the shower, when I was all dizzy and it felt more ok to do it then. Feeling guilty for having survived and for having caused trouble for my father by triggering the violent guy. He had to force the violent guy off me with violence. They made up when I gave bj's, it felt like nothing but justice. They would talk over my head. I remember the pain, feeling completely crushed, like I couldn't take anymore. Afraid. I would apologize. Father would ask me if I could take another round and I would always say yes but sometimes I would hesitate a little and then he would say it was enough. But I would never say it was enough.

Top
#449840 - 10/11/13 11:12 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
So many situations in which I complied. I have a hard time understanding myself. I mean, in part i do understand completely because I still have the same urge and would probably make the same choises. But why? I can see how I was trapped, that I couldn't tell anyone. But there were so many times in these situations when I could have been less of a perfect victim. I could have just been silent, I could have cried and resisted to those who wanted the normal child, I could have just lied there for those who wanted resistance, I could have said I can't take it anymore. But I didn't. And it puzzles me.

I can see that I was trapped. I couldn't get out, I was threatened. But lots of it could have been avoided or lessened. Well, maybe not lots, but some. And I remember the thing driving me was not primarily fear. It was guilt. All the time. Guilt. Is it even possible to be so controlled by guilt as to the point of wanting to get raped and hopefully killed at the age of seven?

Top
#449907 - 10/12/13 08:56 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
BC - there is so much hurt here. I weep for you and all that you endured. I am so sorry about all of it. You did not deserve to be treated that way. You had a right to be protected, cherished and loved by the very one who violated your trust in the worst possible way. This was tough to read but I am glad you are able to get it out. Hope it helps.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#449918 - 10/12/13 09:55 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 189
Loc: Southeast US
Blessedcurse,

This is just heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry that all this crap is inside, but it has to come out and has to see the light of day so you can see it for what it is - the big lie. The irony of all this is the opposite of guilt is "innocent." Here is a father who took the innocence of your childhood and somehow convinced you at such a young age all the sordid mess was your fault.

No matter how many times you hear "It's not your fault" and I'm sure you've heard many times,I know the guilt still hangs around, ready to spring up anytime. My hope is that someday soon all this guilt will fade away. Take care.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

Top
#449922 - 10/12/13 10:27 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 752
Loc: michigan
hey man
all you have described about the guilt is totally possible. it happened! thing is it is a false guilt man YOU were never to blame in ANY way. you were abused your trust was shattered and at a time when there was NO WAY you could possibly understand any of it. I am not sure that it can EVER be understood. the feelings you had were normal for your situation man it was insanity and you just hopped for peace or maybe some kind of normal that didn't hurt. I am so sorry those things happened to you man, but it doesn't change anything, you were a good boy and you are a good man. NOTHING they told you was true either. you were placed in a helpless, and hopeless situation and you managed to survive. I for one am glad you did. you deserve to heal and be well man you are not guilty,it is their guilt that you have been stuck with.and I hope that you can be free of it soon.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#452532 - 11/05/13 07:42 AM Re: Guilt *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Than you so much for answering! And for reading my disgusting posts. I read them myself today, realized I have tried to put all this in a box and hide it away. Not the facts but the feelings that go with it. All the guilt and the confusion and pain that comes when the guilt becomes a little bit transparent. Really struggling with my urges to self injure for some days now. Now I think it is the guilt/pain/confusion. I don't really feel it, all I feel is this cold self hatred and the need to self harm. Like there is nothing else inside of me. And when I try to resist and try to do things that might make me feel better there is like a chaos awakening in me, the pain is too much and then I go back to the cold self hatred.

Helps reading your answers. I know now that there is something more than self hatred in me, I just can't feel it right now.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.