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#449781 - 10/10/13 03:50 PM A cup of coffee
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

I often mention about those daily triggering events that we encounter on our journey to find ourselves & to heal that inner child.

Since I have moved into what I call civilization ( a town or city) that has more than 3,000 souls in it. This one has 66,000+. I have more or less kept myself sort of a hermit, a loner if you will. Avoiding most contact visual or personal at all cost. Especially when it came to the female of the species.

My story is posted in most of the forums for all to see, so I wonít repeat my problems in dealing with females.
I had always knew that as a gay boy/man that I wasnít ever supposed to have been married in the first place., and those stories will confirm that fact.

I will tell you that this gay boy/man got married to a female who bore him a biological son. She already had son, from a previous marriage. It will be because this lonely & abused boy, now a man, had seen another young boy who was being treated just like he was. I paid attention to that young boy while he was there with his mom & ďstep-father.ď She would become attracted to me because she had finally seen someone paying attention to her son & showing him kindness and caring. As they say the rest is history.
We then spent 36 years together, until I walked out the door & her life forever without a shred of any kind of an emotion. None-Zero. No goodbye, no hug, no thanks, no kiss & no tears from me. I never had shown her any kind of an emotional & mental bonding. Hardly ever paid much attention to her it was like she was never there. No matter where we went or what we were doing. For an example, we would be sitting together in a cafť having a cup of coffee or tea. I would always be staring out into space, anywhere but looking or acknowledging that she was right there with me. We hardly ever said two words to each other, not that she didnít try and get me to come around to even look at her, let alone talk. Iíll admit that she gave me 100% of herself plus two fine sons. No doubt in my mind.

I have spent some time with her, sort of reluctantly on my various Christmas trips back to Germany to spend with my boys. Son & grandsons.
Even while we were still together and she almost died from stomach cancer, I never ever showed her any kind of an emotion in her pains & illnesses that are associated with cancer patients. None-Zero. She is a year and a half older than I am She is now 75. She is weak & frail & she is almost totally legally blind & she is alone. Iím sure that way back when we got married that when one listens to that solemn vow one takes she thought someone would be with her for the rest of her life.
Perhaps, if all the CSA stuff hadnít come to my conscious mind and stayed buried forever in my heart & soul, and even though there was never an emotional or mental bonding from me to her. Someone would still be there for her another human being to help her through her dark days.

Today, At McDonalds having gone in for a cup of coffee to try and learn how to be comfortable around others, I get my coffee & sit in my usual table & right across the way a lady sitting in a booth having breakfast looked just like my wife, facial features right down to the type of make-up & clothes she wears.
All of a sudden this emotionless boy/man towards females starts going deep inside of himself. This image of his (separated) wife sitting there all alone brings back the guilt & shame that he assumed after he walked out the door & her life forever. He starts getting emotional, his eyes start getting watery & he feels like a piece of crap. I canít stop looking out the corner of my eyes at that woman sitting there. I canít stop thinking about a lady whom had given me 100%+ of herself emotionally & mentally.
A lady that now needs someone to be there with her in her darkness.

Iím sure that she is sitting there telling herself over & over Peter, the worst day in my life is the day that I met you. You married me under false pretences as Iíve come to know. Why didnít you tell me all about yourself before we married? I never would have married you. I always sensed that something was wrong with you. But, Iíll admit Peter, I had always told our son just why have I ever put up with your father all these years? Iím sorry that I ever had.
You have not only ruined my life but it also cost me my sons life too. He might still be here if we both never had ever met you.

Guilt & shame over a cup of coffee & even for a fleeting moment this emotionless boy/man had a feeling for his wife. He even started to cry over it.
A daily trigger that we often encounter, because of a sight, smell & noise that unexpectedly sends us back deep inside of ourselves.
Sometimes I truly believe that itís better being a hermit after all.
But then again, how would I ever have been able to try and lead that lost boy from the depths of darkness into the sunshine?
How & when will we be able to overcome our fear & hatred for all females, because of one female in that boys young life his ďmom.?
Still very much a back & forth battle in our long war to find ourselves. A battle that this boy/man cannot afford to lose.

Thanks for listening to me.

Wish all my brothers here well on their journey in healing.

ďI will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity.Ē As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

I seriously doubt that in my lifetime I will ever be a "Survivor" of Female Abuse.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#449835 - 10/11/13 09:22 AM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
One question Peter. Why do you assume you know what your wife feels? You tell yourself what she is feeling without experience, you universally judge your actions as calous, unfeeling and believe that she blaimes you.

Well the Peter who has been writing on these boards for the several years I've been hear is not a calous or unfeeling man, and while Csa does some pretty crazy things to people, I can't believe that in 36 years of being married (a time longer than my entire life), that! Peter who has been writing so eloquently and caringly on these message boards was entirely absent.

If I have learnt one thing in the time I've been hear, it is that I! am not to be trusted to judge myself. whatever I! think of myself is wildly prejudiced, just like the beliefs of a racist or a sexist or any other prejudiced person would be. This includes my beliefs about others judgement of me.

If I allow myself to be influenced by the perceptions of worthlessness into thinking others believe me to be worthless too, I'll be a biggot, i'll be telling others what to believe. I'll be just like the Nazi musicians who sent letters to the Russian and English Academies of music trying to persuade them that Mendelson's music wasn't worth hearing because he was a Jew.

Just as I shouldn't let my own perceptions of worthelessness, however strong they may be influence me, I shouldn't let them make me think I have the right to dictate to others either, since ultimately there's no way to know what a person thinks without asking them, whatever gender that person is.

Of course, I might be entirely wrong about your wife, (though i suspect not), but ultimately there is no way to actually know and why should you be troubled by guilt over such a simple thing as a cup of coffee when you can so easily just solve the problem.

Knolidge is power, including power over yourself.

Yes, I've been tempted to be a hermit too, it's far easier to deal with myself, but ultimately that's just not going to work, and much as it sometimes gauls me to admit it, I can't! be entirely alone.

Luke.

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#449847 - 10/11/13 12:30 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: dark empathy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, my fraternal brother across the pond.

Well, Luke, i'm not making assumptions on what she is feeling.

I know what she is feeling, as she reminded me last Christmas when i was visiting my boys in Germany & had to spend five days with her.
We still are legally married (40) yrs last April.
But seperated by an ocean.

There was an incident that happened while i was staying with her. I had dropped the iron onto the floor tile & she had heard it and immediately from another room started berating & hollering at me, can't you ever do anything right? Why are you so clumsy? Well, my brother Luke, i was no longer a man of 74 years standing there. i was young Pete & i was crouching down on the floor with my hands over my head in self defense. For the first time in my life that boy pleaded & begged for her to stop, i started to tear up, what is going on with me?
That boy/man was begging, starting to cry, he was showing weakness.
A solemn vow that young Pete made to himself as that boy,was never to cry & never show weakness. And we have lived by that vow all of my adult life.
That person berating & hollering at me wasn't my wife standing in the kitchen doorway, i had seen the image of my "mom."
My wife was the living extention of my "mom."

But back to your main point, we spent a lot of time talking about me. How could i have been so emotionless & cold to her?
She asked me how come i could always show emotions, feelings for our sons & grandsons & never any for her? Do you realise how much that hurt me? All your emotions, feelings, attention & love were for your boys.
But, nothing for me, why?
She found out why at one of my T sessions.
Because, Mrs. Corbett, His "mom" had rejected him emotionally & mentally. She was physically & sexually abusing him. He never had a bonding with his "mom." He was born a gay boy.
Because of his abuse starting very early in his life he would never be able to form any kind of a relationship or bonding with a female. He never knew how.
All he knew was that from females, a lesson he learned from his "mom" was they represented pain, shame & guilt.
He just didn't know how to show any kind of emotions & affection towards you.

Well, Herr Doctor, Peter has ruined my life, we were married under false pretenses. Why didn't he tell me all this before we got married?
But, i regret ever laying eyes on him, getting attached to him, that was the worst day in my life. But Herr Doctor it has also cost me my son, as he commited suicide. Perhaps if we never had met & got married my son would still be here.

Every time that i returned to Germany for the holidays she would remind me of those words, she would repeat them to me over & over. "I regret the first time that i ever laid eyes on you, as you have ruined my life."

Yes, those damming words from my "mom" still run my life every damn day.
"See Peter, i told you that you were worthless, useless & would never amount to anything." That sort of proves that my "mom" was right after all.
The guilt of ruining her life & the suicide of her biological son, do weigh heavally on me at times.
When i asked for her forgiveness for the first time in my life, i held her close to me, real close & forehead to forehead once again this boy/man told her, Helene, I didn't love you, i didn't know how. But in my own way I cared for you & still do. I shed a few tears in shame & guilt.
Once again that boy/man showed weakness even for a fleeting seconds.

Yes, every waking day i have to look around my apartment & look at my poster boards.
With pictures from my youth, my sons & my grandsons. Then on over to my military accomplishments.
Because i believed & lived by those words of hate & fear that were drilled into a little/young boys heart & soul right up to this day.
Still trying to convince myself that those words didn't define my adult life. Every damn day.

Yes, my brother, Luke just as a young boy, i had accepted full responsibility, guilt & shame for things happening to me & things I had to do to others, things that i coundn't ever comprehend, understand or have any control over. Still trying to shed that responsibility & put it back to where it squarely belongs & always had to those adults.
I have come a long way with young Pete in healing from that.

As a "man" i have assumed full responsibility, guilt & shame for runing my wife's life & perhaps her sons as well.
As those ghostly words from so long ago are ever present when things turn out wrong.
"See, Peter, i told you that you are worthless, useless & would never amount to anything." Words from a ghost, someone long since dead, still having some power & control over her unwanted son.
The boy/man named Pete has come some distance on our journey in healing in realising that she was and is DEAD wrong about her son.
Now all that the boy/man has left to do is convince himself. Still a work in progress.

My brother, I know how she feels & i know where the balme lies.
Not an assumption, my brother, but a fact.

I thank you for expressing your views & help. I applaud your frankness & honesty.

Above all, my fraternal brother, Luke, i thank you for being here with me over these years on our journey in healing.

Wishing you well on your journey in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#449850 - 10/11/13 12:52 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1304
Loc: kansas
moose,

it is time...

it is time to stop running and actually

"take that lost boys hand, and lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

it is time to stop hiding from those ghosts and stand up to them... it is time for that little boy, and adult man, to stand up to them and say that you ARE worthy, that you are NOT stupid and that you DID amount to something!

take those shackles off that little boys wrists... take his hand and lead him into the sunshine...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#449859 - 10/11/13 02:19 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
I appologise peter. I didn't actually know given your above words that your wife had said as much.

Still perhaps if that is the case Obi is right, and you need to think about Peter, not about your wife, still less your mother.

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#449886 - 10/11/13 11:42 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 332
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: petercorbett
How & when will we be able to overcome our fear & hatred for all females, because of one female in that boys young life his ďmom.?
Still very much a back & forth battle in our long war to find ourselves. A battle that this boy/man cannot afford to lose.


Pete:

The battle is unfortunately one that we cannot fight without being reminded of when it started.

I hope your life as lived will help you find places of peace in your memories. I suppose the price to be paid for that are that there will be moments when the well fills from within and something asks for recognition. It is in those moments that I wonder if I'm at the beginning or end of the battle.

Yet perhaps it doesn't matter. All that does is fact that we are looking at ourselves again, with hope and a loving hand.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#449969 - 10/12/13 06:11 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Peter,
I get the impression that you are being much too hard on yourself. It sounds to me like your ex-wife is not taking responsibility for her own choices. You did not ruin her life that is frankly an untrue thing to say. It was her responsibility to get to know you before marriage and to make her own choice. Even if there was a lot about your history she did not know, she spent time with you before marriage and intuitively she would have known what kind of man she was choosing. It was also her choice to stay in the marriage. Your behaviour and ability to love her would have been the same before and after marriage. She has every right to say she made the wrong choice and even to say that she should not 'have put up with you' but it was her responsibility and choice and she has no right to blame you for the choices she made.
Yes you didn't love her as she wanted but we don't get to choose how much we love others, if her reaction to your accident with the iron is a snapshot of her behaviour then I would not want to put up with that either.
It maybe much easier for her to blame you than to take responsibility for her own choices and the consequences of them.

"As a "man" I have assumed full responsibility, guilt & shame for ruining my wife's life & perhaps her sons as well."
I feel that this responsibility, guilt & shame is not yours and that you owe it to yourself not to accept her version of what happened in your marriage. As children we felt responsible for things out of our control and as an adult I often find myself reacting with the same guilt and shame about things that I have no responsibility for. I try to take responsibility for what I do or have done wrong but not to give in to the negative grandiose thinking of the abused child in me, he is only too eager to believe that anything bad that happens around him is his fault.

Such are my thoughts and feelings on your moving posts.

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#450587 - 10/18/13 08:36 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Peter. Thank you for your heart-felt and powerful post. A lot of it genuinely spoke to me and my own feelings or non-feelings towards females. I only thank God I never married one but I suspect that if I had been born when you were, I would have. I know things were different back then and getting married was more or less just expected of people, or at least much more than it is these days. I wonder, had you been born in 1975, when I was, if you wouldn't have just chosen to remain single as I have and always will.

I have to ask, was the anger and belittlement your wife spewed at you for the iron incident something that was normal for her? Did she behave that way towards you in the early days of your marriage, or perhaps even before you tied the knot with her? I ask because I know that people are often ironically drawn to those that have the traits and qualities of their abusers. Not because they like to be abused or want to be abused but because it's all they know. Because the abuser set up in them an expectation of how they are to be treated, so they fall into a pattern of finding others who will treat them that way.

Like others have said, I hope you will eventually find a place in your heart and mind where you can let go of some of the guilt you feel over the way things turned out with your wife and over the place she is in her life now. A failed adult relationship of any kind is never 100% the fault of one party in the relationship. At least not in our modern, western culture, where both man and woman have equal rights to terminate the relationship at will if and when they see fit to do so. After all, you married this woman in Germany, not Saudi Arabia, and in the 1900's, not the 1400's.

I hope at some point you will be able to release the guilt you feel over the failings in the relationship that aren't your fault and forgive yourself for the failings in the relationship that are. You owe that to yourself, even the self-forgiveness part. You can not change the past but hopefully, you can be at peace with it eventually. Good luck finding that peace. I think you certainly deserve it at this point. Peace,

Ken

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#453097 - 11/09/13 10:24 PM Re: A cup of coffee [Re: petercorbett]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 663
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Peter,

First, let me say I know you believe you are responsible for everything that happens to everyone in the whole wide world, but a NEWS FLASH--You are only responsible for yourself. A relationship is not one person, it is two. Your wife shoulders an equal 50 percent of the responsibility of the relationship. I hope you as your adult self are able to bring some reason to the table with your boy as victim self. He needs you big time in this situation. You are a creature of your time. I shudder to think what the consequences of being born in 1939 instead of 1949 would have been. I don't think I would have been able to survive the times with the same family environment I grew up in.

You and your wife had a karmic agreement. You kept your agreement. Learn what you came here to learn and please do not assume responsibility for her journey. It does no good for you or her. The assumptions your boyself is bringing to the table are not true. Just my opinion. Give yourself a fraternal hug from me. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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