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#449718 - 10/09/13 10:15 PM I acted out when I was a kid!!!!
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
I could remember going to school and asking other girls to show me there's and I will show you mine.. type of game ... I don't know if anyone else here acted out as a child after the abuse. I can remember going down the street and acted out on one of my abusers nieces and nephews I learned from my abuser but I always remember this and see that people grown up now and barely say hi to me or treat me like sh#t .... they look like they have shame in there eyes or hate etc. I feel as I was the abuser now.... I really didn't think about it when I was young I just think I learned that sexual touching was ok and it was a part of what kids did I had no aim on hurting anyone I have no clue how they feel now but I could say that I feel like I abused people my self I was 7 yrs. Old and didn't know any better but like I said this is part of the hurt that I have in my heart I can't distinguish the diffrence from being kids or the curse was stuck on me.... : ( I've also heard other men that weren't abused or csa .. that brag how they where 10 YRS OLD and how they messed with the first girl at that age and all I can think is wow! I was raped and then acted out with my abusers nephew and niece I can't think of any happy thoughts remembering this this things I just want forgiveness but I was cursed... and again I was 7-12 yrs old when this happened how did I even tbink of this??? I could remember I was doing it for pleasue...... SMH


Edited by forgive777 (10/09/13 10:31 PM)
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#449720 - 10/09/13 10:25 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
DONT GET IT TWISTED !!!!! I am super protective... around kids I would hurt someone really bad..... like I said really bad I know hurting is not the way to go.. but when it comes to kids I get really emotional... I can't stand seeing kids cry I cand stand seeing mothers smack there kids etc. I will protect a child in a drop of dime.... I will never hurt a kid now as adult but the guilt of knowing that I was a cbild and from my abuse I not only carry the csa but that I was going around performing this acts... as a child disguised me couse I was fuken raped I hate feeling this.......pain.... please lord heal me....


Edited by forgive777 (10/09/13 10:26 PM)
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#449722 - 10/09/13 10:50 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
One of the most difficult aspects of abuse is the type of relating it teaches us, and it seems to take so long to undo that type of relating that it can be frustrating to deal with such an unfair burden.
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List of things ain't nobody got time for:

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If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#449723 - 10/09/13 10:52 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
A lot of us acted out when we were kids because of the abuse. Don't beat yourself up over it. I don't know what it would like to still have those people in my life, maybe you can get to a point where you can explain to them why you did what you did (I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, that all depends on the specific situation and your current relationship with them). The fact is that you were you trying to work through things that you couldn't understand. As a result, you made some mistakes. That doesn't mean you were a bad kid, it means you were a human kid and you had bad things done to you.

As far as people "bragging," you don't know if they are outright lying or it they are re-imagining the situation to hide their own pain.

I can tell you are worried about how people will react. Most people here will understand. Some of us did very similar things. Out in the world, not everyone will understand. But you can't wait for everyone to know the truth. You know you aren't a danger, you know you were doing your best with an impossible situation. There is no reason to let the guilt way you down. You were a child. A child in pain.

This was brave of you to share.

Don't be weighted down by guilt.
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Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#449729 - 10/09/13 11:06 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
;WOW!!!! Made me feel diffrent reading your post thanks Jacob very intelligible. ... way to see it.... about relationship is just zimple glares and glimps tber was this one time I told my abusers nephew that I was sorry about that time.. and he laughed said its all good but I tbink that his uncle probably had molested him to but never went any furder after that laugh and the ok but we really still have awkward vibes thT keep us apart so ae just do that.... thanks tho Jacob very well said...


Edited by forgive777 (10/09/13 11:18 PM)
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#449730 - 10/09/13 11:08 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1483
Loc: New England
The behavior you describe actually sounds alot like normal sexual exploration by children. To whatever extent you were acting out as a result of being abused yourself, recognize that you were a VICTIM, repeating the behavior you learned from your abuser with your peers. When you got older and were capable of making choices, you chose not to continue this behavior. There is no shame here.

Jude
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"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
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#449733 - 10/09/13 11:16 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
WOW!!!! Made me feel diffrent reading your post thanks Jacob very intelligible. ... way to see it.... about relationship is just zimple glares and glimps tber was this one time I told my abusers nephew that I was sorry about that time.. and he laughed said its all good but I tbink that his uncle probably had molested him to but never went any furder after that laugh and the ok but we really still have awkward vibes thT keep us apart so ae just do that.... thanks tho Jacob very well said...


Edited by forgive777 (10/09/13 11:17 PM)
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#449736 - 10/09/13 11:40 PM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 115
Loc: california
Excuse my typos and thanks to everyone who replys it means a lot...


Edited by forgive777 (10/09/13 11:42 PM)
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#449742 - 10/10/13 04:08 AM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
Calmsea Offline


Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Great Britain
What you have described to me, seems like normal growing up.I think as kids we have all be that situation. As survivors of CSA we see ourselves as different to other people so react differently to our memories of the past,hence your feeling of shame for acting out and, their bragging about it.Incidentally, I don't think you were acting out but merely expressing normal childhood behaviour.
Calmsea

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#449744 - 10/10/13 05:11 AM Re: I acted out when I was a kid!!!! [Re: forgive777]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Kids explore sexually in an inquisitive way. Kids do not do it in a predatory way, as was done to us by older perps.

I try and remember for me, and me only, not to try to find my CSA under every rock. I remember some exploration with other kids, and it was very normal.

Best wishes on finding your balance on this topic.


Edited by On The Fringe (10/10/13 12:56 PM)
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