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#448974 - 10/02/13 10:00 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Chicago
So in reference to my last post on this topic, am I dysfunctional -- HELL NO!

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#448977 - 10/02/13 10:11 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: CafeMan]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
deleted due to world view.


Edited by Castle (10/02/13 11:08 AM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#448982 - 10/02/13 10:40 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: Castle]
CafeMan Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Chicago
"I have to come first for my wife and kids...I will help my parents out, as they need it as they are aging too... but not at my, or my family's detriment."

Good for you! So when my parents continuously go into surgery for their multiple ailments, I will be going to my spa day, date a ton of women and put my needs first with a personal vacation to see my friend in Malibu. And when I become mentally at peace with myself, I can then help out my parents. Furthermore, when it gets too inconvenient, I will then do what my Spartan ancestors did in ancient times, throw my parents into the the well.

Pardon my sarcasm. Seriously, thank you for your comments. I actually appreciate it. First, I do small things to keep my sanity. I'll draw a picture for about five minutes. I'll get a Starbucks and hang there for fifteen minutes. Not because I love the coffee, but because it's an escape. So despite all this stuff going on, I do take some little episodes of "me" time.

But when sickness, coupled with poor financial planning arrive at my door, I can do one of two things. I can either step back and give a fraction or I can give my all. I choose, even though it may not sound like the best option for ME, to give my all.

And when the time comes for me to get older, I already made provisions such as buying LTC insurance. I will have millions in benefits when I become my parents age. So in one way, I can't wait to go to the assisted living facility. I can finally have the me time I always wanted. It will never be too late.

So thank you, Castle. Again, I truly appreciate your comments. And I am glad your worldviews work for you and your family. All my best to you, your family and your parents . . .

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#448984 - 10/02/13 10:59 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: CafeMan]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
Good luck to you.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#449651 - 10/09/13 10:25 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: CafeMan]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 19
Loc: CA desert
don't take it personally,
one of the four agreements.

Days have passed and you are still CafeMan.
Life throws us a curve ball once in awhile;
Either you swing at it or let it go by.

I hope you are doing well.
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#449690 - 10/09/13 06:26 PM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: ScottSmith]
CafeMan Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Chicago
I am and thank you!

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#449748 - 10/10/13 06:12 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: CafeMan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1862
Loc: durham, north england
One thing I do wonder Knick is why exactly your brothers comment disturbed you. You are clearly aware your brother has a very different idea and priority to life than you do, this is indeed often part of being brothers, (my own brother is absolutely a different person to me, for all I'd say we're friends).

Perhaps under his deffinition of "function" you don't fit, well that's his deffinition not yours. Certainly I've had cases where my own brother has described me and my actions in entirely incorrect ways just because the dictionary he's using is so wildly different to mine.

However, one thing I do wonder is what Newground said. You have stated you don't feel bitter or regret the time you spent on helping your family, however if that is the case, why did your brothers' comment feel as it did? Why do you compare your life to your brothers?

After all, "disfunctional" is not at rock bottom an insulting term, it merely says soemthing or someone isn't performing the purpose that they should be, and perhaps for your brother who sees the purpose of life differently to you, ---- you are! disfunctional, though why his deffinition of "function" should hold any merrit over yours I'm not sure.

I don't say this in the belief that you've done anything wrong, I just wonder if there is some sort of incongruity in the way you considder what you yourself have done, since it often sounds like you've been trying to justify yourself, even in your early posts before you began a discussion on the subject.

As I said, this is not a cryticism of your actions, I just wonder if you perhaps need to reconsidder exactly what you feel and why your brother's comment was so hurtful.

I have a friend who suffers from a given mental illness (of the chemical rather than traumatic variety), and she is quite happy about describing herself as disfunctional, since to her it's merely an analytic term, much as me describing myself as disabled might be.

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#449911 - 10/12/13 09:29 AM Re: Am I Dysfunctional? [Re: dark empathy]
CafeMan Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Chicago
Thank you, Dark Empathy. When my abuse happened, the first thing I though of was, "Now I'm a statistic, now I'm flawed or damaged."

I spent my entire life trying to fight those beliefs. I worked hard, always tried to have a happy disposition, made myself available in helping people, etc. I did this because I am a genuine person, and I also did this to counter my insecurities for feeling so flawed.

So when my brother said that I was dysfunctional, I felt like all my years for trying to overcome my past was disregarded. Is that a rational thought? No. I admit that. But it did set me off.

My brother knows me very well. He knew that was an incorrect thing to say to me. When I get irritated with my family, I never engage them into a discussion about my feelings. Deep down, I don't want it to escalate into an argument. I'm too old to fight in my life. Instead, I keep very quiet and avoid them. He knows that is my defense mechanism to handling a situation like that. He knows it takes me up to four days to process the emotion out of the equation.

Is this the best strategy? Perhaps not. But this is how we deal with the situation. He saw that I started to warm up to him, then we both proceeded to go back to our fun and casual brotherly relationship.

That's the benefit in one way to being family. We know each other. My brother's greatest strength in the family is that he can read each of us lightening quick--almost anticipating our reactions. So in this case, we both took a minor discussion with some deep statements and avoided a confrontation which could have had major outcomes.

So thank you for your comments and insight, it is greatly appreciated.

-Nick

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