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#449463 - 10/07/13 09:03 PM why is sex still so hard for him...
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Seriously, it has been almost 4 years. Why is sex still so hard for him? So much performance anxiety, sexual dysfunction..........why? Years of therapy, treatment and 12 step so why??

I feel like it is getting better than it isn't...I hope I don't sound unfeeling but after all the above, he still doesn't have an answer as to why all the ejaculation issues. If he still doesn't know, how wwill we ever get past this?

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#449466 - 10/07/13 09:23 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
It's been 4 years since my rape happened and I still haven't been able to even try with my wife. We did try once, before I told her, and I couldn't get it up. It just didn't work. At least he is trying. That's a huge step. I can't even go there with my wife yet, even though I know she is a survivor and we had a fulfilling intimate sex life before.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#449467 - 10/07/13 09:40 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I have tried getting things to work with Cialis, going to the doctor is incredibly hard for this sort of thing. Even the cardiologist or pulmunologist is not fun but below-the-belt stuff is particularly hard to sit through and talk about with a health professional. He knows about the rape and also the injury that part of my body went through, and did reconstructive surgery on it to correct some of the damage. He is really compassionate about the whole thing and I've gotten to feel safe working with him. But even getting to this point has taken a long, long time.

It's also tough because the mind and the body are so interconnected. I can't tell you what your husband is feeling because no two survivors are alike, and his reasons for performance anxiety might be wildly different from mine. But it's impossible for the body to cooperate when the mind is full of fear and self loathing, and it's also impossible for the body to cooperate with the mind, if there are physical reasons why a man cannot have sex. The brain is also a sexual organ and trauma re-wires the brain and all its associations with sexuality.

It has to be hard waiting 4 years. I know it is a deep source of pain for my wife, and I do wish I could do something but it has nothing to do with her. It is nothing personal.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#449474 - 10/07/13 10:26 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6511
Loc: Terminus
Not once was I with my wife (sex) when and where I was not getting done by them. Its a permanent part of my brain. I really don't see standard T fixing that.
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#449498 - 10/08/13 08:34 AM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Lucy,

You have posted in the past that your husband sometimes is aroused by and masturbates to the memories of abuse, then absolutely hates himself afterwards. If he can't untangle sexuality from exploitation, or if he sees his approaches / contact with you as being like what the perps did to him ("I'm seeing her like they saw me, this right here is how they felt, how did they choose what to touch first...") then it can be horribly nauseating and emasculating.

Are there levels of intimacy of which he is capable - backrubs, hugging? You are an equal partner in this relationship and you have basic human needs too.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449517 - 10/08/13 10:28 AM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2017
Loc: durham, north england
Ouch sockerstar! were you watching my nightmare last week? that is so accurate it's frightening.

@Lucy, I don't know how it is for your husband, but for me with my genophobia, the very concept even divorced from anything else is something disgusting, soemthing that just makes me want to curl up and freeze.

Here is how your post looked to me:

Title

Why is "drinking from a toilet" so hard?

Seriously, it has been almost 4 years. Why is "drinking from a toilet" still so hard for him? So much performance anxiety,
"Disgusting" dysfunction..........why? Years of therapy, treatment and 12 step so why??
I feel like it is getting better than it isn't...I hope I don't sound unfeeling but after all the above, he still
doesn't have an answer as to why all the "freeze and let it happen" issues. If he still doesn't know, how wwill we ever
get past this?

I don't say this to make you feel guilty or upset. I am hear, I chose to read your post and to answer, and I am aware of my reactions even if I don't like them. I'm just trying to illustrate the complete and total phenomonal backlash that abuse can cause in a given subject.

I can understand your question and I can empathise with your feelings of frustration, but the idea of s/x being something desired, something good is just alien to me. Heck, I even find it hard to actually conceive! of s/x as something to "perform at" together, like playing a duette, since for me it's always something done to me or, (in my worst nightmares), something I am afraid I'll do to another person.

Physical closeness and intimacy, hugging, holding hands, kissing, that I can conceive of ina communicative and good way, indeed I often feel a desire for that sort of thing, but anything more is just disgusting! I'm fairly sure this is soemthing I could change with the right person, but it'd be changing an entire concept. Indeed for me at least physical responses are completely and absolutely apart from mental ones, (one of the most profoundly horrible experiences of my abuse was how my body responded completely differently to my mind).

I'm not trying to say it's impossible, I certainly don't think that, indeed I'm fairly certain it's something I could over come if I ever actually found someone who loved me enough to want to try, but it'd be a complete reversal.

As I said, I really hope this isn't too negative, it's not intended to be, it's just an attempt to illustrate just how profoundly different even the concept of such things are to me, ---- and maybe to your H as well.

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#449583 - 10/08/13 07:40 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
"But it's impossible for the body to cooperate when the mind is full of fear and self loathing"

Crux, I think you may be on to something there. This is what happens from wahat I gather from him.

We start messing around....h gets aroused, thoughts to past abuse come into his mind as well as past acting out behaviours which were reenactments of the abuse, and then bam. Self hatred, feeling like a perv because it excites/excited him, guilt, and fear that he isn't a "normal" man. That he is less than. At least that is how I understand it from what he has said. So every one of your comments were on in one way or another.

still, I agree. I think they are always there in our bedroom with us.

Soccer, he has said he feels like a perp sometimes when we are doing it.

And Drk, I think I get what you are saying but maybe not. I am not offended whatever you say so don't worry. This is my truth, this is my life so if someone hasn't been on my side of it, they can't possibly know how I feel so I wouldn't take any offense personally anyway.

But what the heck does drinking from a toilet have to do with anything?? wink I am thoroughly confused.

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#449591 - 10/08/13 08:12 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I think I also agree with Still in that this never does go away and it is hard for it to ever not be part of your sex life.

When I first started a physical relationship with my wife, it was a slow go. Took a really long time for her to feel comfortable holding hands, hugging, kissing, being kissed... much less having sex. Probably a good thing in a way because we were teenagers, lacking any kind of moral principle that would prevent one from having premarital sex... and our parents (like most Baby Boomers) had resigned themselves to the idea of their teens getting into sexual relationships. Even my conservative Jewish mom handed me a bag of condoms telling me that if I was going to do anything to at least "be safe."

But with my wife, we had to think about a completely different kind of safety first. It had to be particularly hard for her because she had been abused by an older male and I was male too. whereas my wife bears no physical resemblance to the guy who raped me (which is why it's even MORE confusing to me why I'm the one who's been holding out on sex for 4 years).

Eventually, we both finished college and got married, and sex became a really fulfilling part of our marriage. But I had found out that she has dissociative identity disorder and can switch between various fragments of herself when in different situations which I think allowed her to mentally "shift gears" between parts so she didn't have to feel traumatized... which is also really hurtful to think about... the idea that I, as a sexual partner, could have been triggering and retraumatizing for her.

Sometimes I find myself saying that I wish my son had a playmate and she'll say, "You know how that works, right?"

"Yes," I'll say. "But we keep drinking from the same coffee cup and nothing happens."
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#449593 - 10/08/13 08:20 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
My wife has patiently waited over 24 years.
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#449600 - 10/08/13 09:15 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I will be a bit different in opinion.

I had non-violent abuse. And maybe that is a factor, I think it is. I was groomed by an older teen at 8 and was his understudy I thought. But we know where that went.

I became hyper sexed as is well documented in cases. My only issue is occasionally remembering an act in a certain position. I question myself as to why I like it. It is an intrusive thought that sometimes can make the train jump the tracks once a month or so. It happened last week after nothing for a month. Talking here and remembering has actually probably made me remember it more.

The wife and I have a Saturday morning date for sure unless one of us is sick to have an extended time together. Getting her outfits and all. It was about getting not only used to it but making it playful instead of work or threatening. Now after years, it is looked forward to.

We are all different and our reactions seem all over the map. I can completely see how someone with violent abuse may feel fear or horror.

Love and support are like healing balm. My wife loves me dearly. I know she is happy with however our time together ends up on a particular night. And that seems to help. If it happens cool, if not, then that is fine too.

The measure of true intimacy is not an orgasm. We always enjoy wether it happens or not. It took a little while to get there. I do believe the type of abuse plays a part. I only know what happened to me.

I hope you find the intimacy you seek.
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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