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#449562 - 10/08/13 04:03 PM I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Three years after his disclosure (then denial that his abuse was abuse), three+ years full of his rage, then therapy and dancing around it, after years of his failed businesses, his inappropriate behavior with other women, his occasional cruising online, little intimacy...years of me retaliating, sometimes with similar behavior...I had a talk with H last night.

Today he called the director of the DV center where I attend therapy (and where our MC had been). I don't know what he said, and I don't care. I just know he called to set up therapy for himself, as the primary, not secondary, victim. (I'm also a CSA survivor.)

I want to cry. I also don't want this to be another thwarted attempt. It took one of his employees at work disclosing and his agreement with her to seek help, not him wanting to strengthen our marriage. Why am I mad instead of elated that he wants to begin to heal?

I feel badly for being honest with him last night, too. I told him I'm done changing myself to fit his unspoken wants and needs, that I'm done revolving my life around waiting for him to heal, I'm done waiting in general. I told him how hurt I am that he refuses to communicate enough for me to make a basic schedule, that I'm exhausted from emotionally carrying this marriage and that I feel he hides behind my strength and progress. I told him I'm done with his inappropriate flirting with subordinates, tired of always being broke yet not being able to rely on him to be here with the kids when he's off work so I can also work. I pointed out the progress in him not having raged since March, but that I also saw that that's when he closed off emotionally again, too. I told him I don't have a plan to leave if he refuses to take action, but I won't guarantee that I'll stay, either. I cannot be with someone who isn't committed to healing and who hides behind me while also blaming me for his own shame. That's not mine to carry.

I told him how I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself for having become so codependent, for catering to those unspoken needs, for assuming anything, for allowing myself to become so exhausted and emotionally numb, for contemplating leaving because he refuses to follow through with therapy, and for expecting him to be able to be present in this marriage. Above all, I'm disappointed in myself for putting him first before getting myself.

At this point, we're roommates and I'm heartbroken. I'm so angry at myself for expecting anything remotely close to a 'normal' marriage from him.

Conversely, I've begun writing again, begun producing art again, am on top of the kids' school stuff (I birthed two achievers and a disabled kid), and am making the effort to get out and play innocently myself. I talk to my few close friends regularly, and my confidence in all other areas has grown. I see how to get back to school, too. Finishing my degree has been a goal for years.

Thanks for reading.
TL;DR:
He's making the effort again, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and actually announced my detachment to him. I've improved in pretty much all other areas of life and have confidence now.

Edited first paragraph to add honesty and clarify whose actions are whose.


Edited by Airmid (10/08/13 04:05 PM)

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#449563 - 10/08/13 04:15 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
You know what? Above all, I want him to be happy. I want him to want that happiness. That's what's so heartbreaking.

Realizing a few months ago that I have the right to happiness was life-changing for me. Knowing that I get to make that happiness...still working on it.

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#449579 - 10/08/13 07:03 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I went through a phase like this - once I started to stand up for me, I felt like I stopped caring a little what happened to him. But it was a phase, one that would have gone quite differently had he not stepped up to the plate. While you may feel sad, you are moving through the phases that seem quite normal for spouses - a journey of progress, your own personal healing. I know, for me, when his healing started to join my healing, I started to feel differently.

One other note, be kind to yourself. Be compassionate with you. Forgive yourself for the things that you "allowed" to happen and move on from them.

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#449783 - 10/10/13 04:13 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Airmid,

I haven't been on here in a long while however I still read occasionally. I just wanted to say thank you for this post. You just said everything that I'm feeling right now.

My H had started going to counseling and when the counselor went on a 2 week vacay in the summer H decided not to go back. He now hasn't been to counseling in at least 3 months. He has been doing some self reflection and reading but is too afraid to do any real work on himself. He still doesn't want to face what happened to him. He says he can't afford to be as depressed as he felt when he was going to counseling and maintain his job.

Anyway, the point of this post was to tell you thank you for giving me the courage to say what I need to say. Hopefully that courage will remain with me until I can actually talk to H this weekend. He knows when I'm pulling away and is very good at pulling me right back in.

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#449998 - 10/12/13 10:44 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 146
Loc: Virginia
Many of us csa survivors don't realize how lucky we are to have the spouses we have. Nuff said.

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#450089 - 10/13/13 06:48 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 243
Loc: us
Airmid
I can relate to a lot of the feelings that you said above. The anger at yourself for who you've let yourself become because of Hs issue. The anger at H. The just wanting a normal marraige.
My Hs cousin told me that I have to remember that I view CSA from the other side of the bridge. I have crossed over from victim to survivor. Meanwhile H is still at the other side in Victim land. He views CSA from someone who is just realizing that they need to heal. Its true these are two different places. Its so hard to be patient when you are making progress and it feels like your partner is lagging behind and refuses to even try to catch up or hell even move forward. Its even harder not to take it personally and be hurt.
Fear is such a powerful paralyzing force. It can cause us to sacrifice the things we love most when we a caught up in it. I wonder if your Hs fear about himself and his past that drive his behavior not his lack of love for you.
In the mean time. I think its awesome that you are rediscovering your creativity. What a fabulous place to channel your feelings. I always produce my best song and painting when I'm going through a rough time. So hey even though life sucks right now you may produce something amazing. That's kind of a silver lining right?
Hang in there keep doing for you and your kids. You are doing awesome. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go throught the healing journey while being a wife and mother. I was a single young adult when I did it and it was still so hard. Kuddos!
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#450216 - 10/15/13 10:50 AM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Quote:
I feel badly for being honest with him last night, too. I told him I'm done changing myself to fit his unspoken wants and needs, that I'm done revolving my life around waiting for him to heal, I'm done waiting in general. I told him how hurt I am that he refuses to communicate enough for me to make a basic schedule, that I'm exhausted from emotionally carrying this marriage and that I feel he hides behind my strength and progress. I told him I'm done with his inappropriate flirting with subordinates, tired of always being broke yet not being able to rely on him to be here with the kids when he's off work so I can also work. I pointed out the progress in him not having raged since March, but that I also saw that that's when he closed off emotionally again, too. I told him I don't have a plan to leave if he refuses to take action, but I won't guarantee that I'll stay, either. I cannot be with someone who isn't committed to healing and who hides behind me while also blaming me for his own shame. That's not mine to carry.


Wow....I can almost say exactly the same thing. It's amazing to me how similar we all are sometimes.

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#450302 - 10/15/13 11:49 PM Re: I Had "the talk" and He Made the Call [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thank you all. it's good to know we have those feelings in common, even if the feelings are sometimes awful and fear-based.

A week later...things are going well. He hasn't been assigned a counselor at he DV center yet (three-day weekend), but the director is looking for a staff member to assign to him. They know me, and him too, from MC and his IC as a secondary years ago.

I like getting along. I love having hope!

Kind of OT, and it might need to be split...
A long-distance friend with whom I had talked at least monthly, but who only heard about the bad stuff occasionally made a snarky comment about him on one of my social media posts today. It was closed to the public, which helps, but she followed it up by sending me a link to Stockholm Syndrome symptoms. I'm insulted and hurt. She knows I was abused as a child and adult, and she knows about his abusive childhood in a general way, not about CSA. I hadn't even spoken with her in a month, and not about icky relationship stuff in 3+ months, and this? Really?

I'm pissed. How dare she, especially without any support? She didn't even include a "Hey, I worry about you and would you read and consider this?" note.

I've narrowed my friends significantly the past year, mainly because so many were toxic to my marriage. Not in the sense of telling me truths I didn't want, or in the sense of not being 'yes men', but in the smack-talking sense. If they'd say mean things about him to me, are they bad-mouthing me to other friends privately too? She's now added to the list of former friends. It's sad, too, because she's in the middle of a nasty divorce. I sense she's transferring some of her angst to me, but I didn't ask for it and I don't accept it. I can imagine fewer unsupportive things from a so-called friend.

How would you all handle it? I haven't responded to her because her behavior triggers me as a DV survivor and spouse. I'm not sure that I will. Her actions don't really warrant much of a reply; I assume she would just think I don't want to hear what she has to say.

Why are so many people not convinced that emotional abusers can change? Does it go hand-in-hand with the Male Abuse Myths?

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