Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carter (51), CAW1980 (34), Fissy Tsickens (53), Kris (52), Wheatthins (23)
Who's Online
2 registered (wild_turky, 1 invisible), 23 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63172 Topics
441741 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#449544 - 10/08/13 02:10 PM So how do we fix it?
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Feeling lonely and rejected is common among women in relationships with men who have been sexually abused as children, according to Mike Lew, the Boston psychotherapist. "The female partner may feel like she is the target of his anger. That might increase her frustration," he says. In a workshop he led for partners of survivors, the women also had a lot of anger. "They were angry because of what was done to someone they love. They were angry because they had to deal with the fallout. They were angry at the lack of resources and lack of help. They were angry because this isn't what they signed on for when they got into this relationship, and they had to deal with it or leave."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Sexually-Abused-Men-Is-Your-Husband-One-of-Them/6#ixzz2h9YMcHF8


Uh huh......ok......so how do we fix this?

Top
#449546 - 10/08/13 02:19 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Lots of therapy. That's the short answer. And a HUGE will to change on the part of the person recovering from the trauma and the trauma caused by the defense mechanisms for surviving the trauma.... Good luck! It's a long road, but it does get better. CSA may be horrific, but it doesn't have to be a curse.

And the fact that I just wrote those words should be evidence enough for anyone that victims CAN turn into survivors!

Bob

Top
#449547 - 10/08/13 02:20 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Mike's couple retreat is usually in February/ March... in PA.

This year would be the third one.

His men's only retreat is in August, same place...I believe this year we'll be the 25th anniversary.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#449642 - 10/09/13 08:30 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Sugarbaby, I appologise because I'm going to say something extremely difficult. Why the heck do so many women get into relationships with survivers who don't! fix themselves anyway?

I'm sorry, but it is something that has eternally pissed me off and a reason I find topics in F&F so hard to read.

No, I am not a saint, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I isolate, (sometimes to extremes), I am genophobic, and I have a sense of worthlessness that i'm stuck with. Equally however the idea of behaving in some of the ways which I've read about described here frankly mistifies me. cheating, lying, bieing down right selfish, and especially reliving acts of abuse on another person, I find it frankly difficult to understand.

I had my moments of disbelieving what happened to me, but for me the denial was manifest mostly in responses of my own fear not misstreatment of others other than occasionally telling my parents "please go away and leave me alone"

Yet, for all the work I have done on myself, for the five years I've been hear, I am having to face the fact that I pretty much won't ever have an intimate relationship with a woman. This is hard, but it's the truth, that part of me is just plane broken.

So, I find myself wondering if I, who finds such misstreatment of people so bizarre cannot find a relationship, why do so many women stick with such intrinsically unpleasant people and want to fix them? What is the reason?

If I reverse the question to myself, and ask why I! might stick with a partner who behaved in deeply unpleasant ways and didn't deal with her own problems, the only answer that occurs to me is that it might satisfy a desire I have to be needed, to take care of another person, both emotionally and even physically (I sort of like the idea of cooking for someone else). But this would not actually be to do with wishing to see my partner's good, it would be in part a selfish desire of mine, a validation for me. I remember when I was 22 meeting a particular girl who I'd known for several years and who was doing some work for my parents. She was stuck with an emotionally very distant partner who she stayed with simply to avoid being alone, she told me all about this and her fears, and grew extremely upset, (she finished crying all over me). it occured to me that I could invite her to see a film, (Lion Witch and the Wardrobe was just playing), could offer a relationship with her, and she'd probably go for it, indeed she said on a couple of occasions to other people, (including my parents), how much she loved me, (though she clearly meant this simply in the sense of emotional support).

I opened my mouth to make the invitation, to tell her I'd be there for her, ---- then suddenly it hit me! I wasn't doing this for her! While a kind and decent person, she was quite honestly not overly intelligent, we had very little in common, indeed I constantly felt while talking to her that I had to dumb everything down. If I offered her a relationship, it would be entirely selfish, it would be simply me needing to be needed, and that would be all that there would be.

This would be unfair to her, and likely ultimately bad for me.

I have certainly met couples like this, indeed a friend of mine who recently married has a husband who's a total hypochondriac, constantly bemoning his own medical problems while doing nothing about them and having my friend (his poor wife), run around after him, (my mum when she met them asked why such a young girl had married such an old man, even though they are the same age).

In another case, one of my best male friends, (who is genuinely incredibly compassionate), said he had to leave one girlfriend because she simply refused to let him have a life outside his feelings for her, she was so in need of companionship she occused him of disliking her if he wanted to spend time alone etc, (much as I imagine would've happened if I had! tried to start a relationship with the above mentioned girl).

Of course, not all couples are like this, and I imagine not all surviver couples are like this, but sometimes I do wonder exactly what emotions are involved, and how genuinely concerned with the other person's good, particularly because as someone who feels a distinct sense of worthlessness, i tend to be very observant in the give and take interactions of others, indeed as I said, this is a trap I have noticed myself.

As I said I appologise if this is unfair, it doubtless doesn't cover everyone, and I admit that since last night I had to sit through a friends' party composed entirely of couples discussing their future plans (and me as the one single person), I am probably not able to be as objective as I could be, but this is something I've have sometimes wondered when reading stories in f&F.

Luke.

Top
#449647 - 10/09/13 09:32 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I don't want to fix him Dark. I want to fix what became of me after I found out there were three of us in my marriage. H, myself, and his sex offender (whose influence was unknown to me for many years and this if a major point of frustration at the moment).

Honestly, H is a great guy. He wigged out a bit when we got married, then things calmed down. He wigged out a bit more after our son was born, then things calmed down. Then after we had our daughter/catholic church scandal (those dates were back to back)....all hell broke loose with him and he couldn't contain it anymore.

It's a solvable problem (CSA). No one is dead ....so it's solvable.

Apparently....unless I PAY UP $$$$ for help....I can't solve my part so I guess I'm SOL on that then.

Top
#449670 - 10/09/13 01:50 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Sugarbaby.

I'm sorry for the above, as i said I wasn't in the best frame of mind. It wasn't intended to imply that there is no solution, indeed that's something I probably ought to have made clear, I just sometimes wonder on the motivations of people involved. Obviously if you say your H is a great guy prior to and before anything to do with abuse, the above doesn't apply to you since it's him! you love not your chance to fix and support him, and as I said the above isn't intended to imply everyone! is like that, I just do sometimes wonder on this desire to be needed and to fix people, especially since it is something which has really caused problems for my mum and major arguements between her and me, and it is something I feel strongly myself.

As to paying to fix yourself or another person, well I can personally say just because you pay for a therapist doesn't mean they're any good. There are! good paid professionals, but the two don't go together, and anyway it's quite possible to get on without one.

Luke.

Top
#449715 - 10/09/13 09:55 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 146
Loc: Virginia
Sugarbaby,

I totally get your frustration. You have the right to be angry at a lot of things right now. I know what's perhaps most maddening for spouses of csa men is that there's no direct way for a spouse to fix this-- he has to do basically all the heavy lifting, and all the average spouse can do is be on the sidelines and be as supportive as possible under the circumstances.

Is he in therapy? If so, has he mentioned if things are starting to come together, or if any progress is being made? My hope is that even if he's not disclosing what he and his T talk about in each session, at least he's saying whether it feels like he's taking steps forward. I went through a couple of them before I found the right one, so he needn't feel guilty if he has one but it's not the right fit. He can fire them, and they don't take it personally.

Don't feel like you're SOL. You're most definitely not. Repeat, NOT. If talking with your own T is out of the budget, there are plenty of good books out there to help spouses gain solace and work with someone in his position, and I've run into a number of good websites without really even doing much searching. Don't be shy about joining a support group, either in person or online. I know this is probably self-evident and I apologize if I sound condescending, but it's what my wife is doing. She's learning as much as she can about csa as well, and that seems to be helping her.

All I can stress is for your H to continue to work at this every day. If he can reach a point where he says "I don't want this in my life for five more minutes!" then things will pick up. I'm assuming that fixing himself (and then being able to fix his relationship with you) is his top priority, or at least I hope so.

I know lots of us here support you and all the other spouses affected by this, and I hope things get better for you both soon.

Top
#449761 - 10/10/13 11:26 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I get mad sometimes about the financial impacts on me when the offender walked away totally unscathed. I want to sue him civilly to pay for this stuff but H is so horrified by being that out about it that I can't.

Don't apologize Dark. These conversations are important in our secretive world here.

Top
#449801 - 10/10/13 08:40 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Well Sugarbaby I admit I've felt that impulse, though in my case it was more a desire to see the authorities, the counsel who forced me to go to that school, the school's exec staff who perpetuated the situation know what they've done and appologise for it.

Ironically the first person I ever told the full details of my story too was a solicitor I spoke to when I was 22, who claimed that "since I'd made it and was alright" there was no case, (yes he actually claimed this).

I have come to the conclusion though that really I don't know if going through the hole court business would be worth it, or really would actually fix anything as you said in the above post.

One of the difficult things I'm having to accept at the moment is that I'm just broken. I can do recovery, I can learn to live with it, but stuff like genophobia or worthlessness doesn't go away, part of me will always be that thirteen year old boy pushed up against the wall with his trousers down.

Maybe part of me will even always want to be fixed, want that intimate relationship that I can't have, but that's just like saying part of me will always want to read perfectly normal text, to pick up a newspaper from a deskt and glance at it, or see a shop sign and walk in. Hell, it'd be nice to not have to convince someone I'm the same bloody species just because I have disfunctional eyeballs.

But I can't have any of these things. It's the way itt is end of story. I can just try and learn to live with myself, and that's challenge enough without expecting the impossible.

And yes, I am aware how many times I've mentioned intimate relationships and how much I fail at this sort of acceptance, but that too is perhaps something to accept, that I always will feel this desire.

Top
#449804 - 10/10/13 09:34 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Don't give up Sugarbaby.

I am going to say this as discretely as possible.

You noticed me comment of 'train jumping the track' sometimes during intimacy if I have a memory. You mentioned your man doing the same thing.

It was all about visual perspective triggering a memory. It seems goofy but the view I had of the act between the wife and I, if it was the same perspective as during my CSA,it made me remember. It made me wonder why I liked that position so much. Was it because I liked the abuse? The old dreaded false guilt.

The solution? Change to a position where I see as much of my wife all the time. I never have that jumping the track when we enjoy those type of eye contact with her all the time positions. Of course not permanent eye contact, as that would be weird. But you get my drift. Focus on her and not let my mind wander.

And we make a date of it. And we explore and focus on whatever feels right. Your guy may have different issues. But keeping my mind on my woman that is wanting to please me has done so much. It helped with the hyper sexuality. No outside interests in a few years. I dare to say it but, she has wanted to be my everything for a long time. Now I let her. At night before going to sleep, every night without fail I lay beside her an hold her. It feels like the comfort and security I wanted as a kid. It calms me. I was hurt by my CSA. It did damage me but there is comfort and hope. Funny thing is she thinks I am comforting and holding her. Maybe we both get what we need.

You are very patient. All I can say is God bless you. I hope you find what you need. But don't give up.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#449862 - 10/11/13 02:32 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
That makes sense otf. This however is also why I pretty much believe I'm stuck with genophobia unless I can find someone to fix it with, ---- since it's pretty hard to learn to communicate on your own.

Top
#449939 - 10/12/13 02:32 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 243
Loc: us
Dark brings up some valid points.
Yes, I think a lot of women make martyrs of themselves and get with men who treat them like crap. People have issues that's real.
I don't think it is always the case though. I got with H because he was the first guy who would give me enough space. Oh the irony. For a woman I'm pretty emotionally distant. Most men I dated felt like I was cold and didn't want to let me have time to go play in a band or do my own thing. H really liked that I had hobbies that where my own. I liked that he did too. We have a ton of shared interests and when he isn't acting crazy we get along great. He is funny and smart and interesting. He is everything I thought I could never find and well he also struggles with mental illness brought on by CSA and neglect.
I didn't know how bad it was till after we got married. Looking back there where signs but I have my own past and ptsd stuff from time to time so I figured that he would handle it and everything would be fine.
My Dad brought up a good point to me about my H. He said mental illness is a funny thing in our society. If someone has cancer, or get their legs blown off in war we rally around them. We support them and offer them compassion. If someone has a mental illness of emotional trauma we tell them to just get over it and move on. They can't because their illness is every bit as real as the person fighting a battle with cancer. Emotionally your husband has had is legs blown off so you can't just demand that he get up and walk. (this was a funny visually and made me giggle a bit I have kind of a dark sense of humor.)
I think this is a good point, and I think about it when I want to "tell my H to get up and walk" so to speak.
If he had cancer I wouldn't leave him. If he was a vet who returned from Iraq in a wheelchair and suffered nightmares I wouldn't leave him. So why is CSA any different, well it really isn't.
Someday my PTSD could come back really bad or I could get very sick and it could go on for a long time. I sure hope that H would stick by me in my hour of need no matter how hard it was.
So Sugarbaby how do we deal?
We deal in all different ways I think. At least I do. Sometimes I vent on here. I meditate. I keep a gratitude journal. I take me time everyday and go to the gym and keep my body strong. I cry when I need to. I have a glass of wine with my girlfriends. I paint my struggle on a canvas and write songs on my guitar. The more I do for myself the better I am. The less his anger and pain seep into me. The more I am able to love him without condition. The more I see myself growing into the wise grounded old lady I want to be someday. My best advice is to find what you love about yourself, your talents and strengths and nurture them. Feed your inner light so that you will feel safe no matter how dark everything is around you.
This is at least what I have been working on. There are still crap days but I am able to pull myself out of my funk a lot faster and I am quick to remember how lovely I am. When our husbands can't see the good in themselves they won't be able to see the good in us either.
When I want to give up, when I hurt, I ask myself if I want to let this journey with H break me and turn me into a sad bitter person, or do I want to let it grow me into a pillar of compassion and strength?
You can do it! I'm cheering for you.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#449947 - 10/12/13 03:47 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Well Hd, I don't know whether it's because most of my friends and the people I know and have seen start relationships are university students, but to me at least the occasions when one partner does nothing! for and of themselves just don't seem to work, indeed I personally find the idea of such quite repellent.

If love is a conversation, well it won't work if one person has nothing to say of their own, irrispective of anything else. This is certainly not gender specific, albeit when I've seen men involved in that sort of thing it tends to be expressed a little less eloquently unless the men in question are particularly happy with articulating their feelings, but it certainly happens, (heck, I think my parents were in severe danger of this albeit they seemed to have worked things out).

As I said, I don't think this covers all surviver relationships, but it is something I have sometimes wondered when reading surviver partner stories, especially! when the surviver in question has been deeply unpleasant. Of course I'm not one to judge, and I would never try to point out in any individual case which person was doing what, this is just based on personal observation of others and a degree of self knolidge, but I do wonder if it's something people need to considder, ---- heck not just for surviver relationships but for relationships generally, especially! when one partner has problems which they refuse to address, (I certainly believe my friend and her hypochondriac husband have done this to an extent).

Top
#450220 - 10/15/13 11:04 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: dark empathy]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Quote:
If he had cancer I wouldn't leave him. If he was a vet who returned from Iraq in a wheelchair and suffered nightmares I wouldn't leave him. So why is CSA any different, well it really isn't.


I agree with that...BUT....I find that I'm not getting the reciprocal commitment and that is a current problem.

When bad sh*t happens to me I'm on my own. I've never been that way with him and it's getting to be a deal breaker.

When he hurts, he runs to me. When I hurt, he runs away.

When my father died - he disappeared (emotionally and somewhat physically) He says "I didn't know what to do.". I say....your 40 years old go figure it the f*ck out! Ask your parents! Google it! WTF!

Last year I had a very big tumor taken out in a very complicated surgery (special surgeon at the cancer hospital...a big friggin deal I still can't pay for) and I was (figuratively speaking) sh*tting my pants that I was going to die. I sat in that waiting room (pre-op) and cried and cried.....by myself. He sat across from me and just looked at me. I kept thinking he looked like a wounded child trying to blend into the wall. I talked to him about it and he said "I didn't know what to do.". Your 47 years old....go figure it the f*ck out.

I'm with you about the cancer scenario. I feel the same way. It's just like any other illness/injury. I don't know what it is with him though.....when I hurt, he runs. It makes me bitter and reluctant when he needs me and that is a bad cycle.

You know what is odd though....he wasn't like that the first half of our relationship. This is a newer thing. When I had gotten very sick during out engagement he was right with me. ......weird.


Edited by sugarbaby (10/15/13 01:14 PM)

Top
#450260 - 10/15/13 05:50 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 146
Loc: Virginia
sb,

That sucks. No advice to offer; it just sucks. I'm sorry he's so closed off when it comes to the things you need, especially when it sounds like you've really been hanging in there for (and with) him. I hope this changes for you soon. Off the point entirely, but also glad you made it through the surgery! Take care.

Bob

Top
#450270 - 10/15/13 07:07 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Hi, I am a new wife here so... I don't know how much of what I have to say is useful. I am still "learning".
Sugarbaby, that sucks, because I know as a wife, you want to support H while he goes though this process, but do not understand why he cant do the same for you. I said it before, you hate them for the crap they are putting you through, but at the same time are so horrified about what CAS did to them, that you do not want to walk away. You love them, but everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has different breaking points and things to consider. At what point does it become too much? There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that.


Edited by overwhelmed1975 (12/12/13 12:46 PM)

Top
#450370 - 10/16/13 04:41 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Interesting stuff, overwhelmed. (Should you change your handle at some point? I don't always want to refer to you as "overwhelmed." I mean, you may be sometimes, but it's not your identity....)

Anyway, I had a point in beginning to write, though....

This is about being a fixer-upper.

I've always been a little torn between the idea of being super-dramatic and being stoic/regular. I think part of it is that I always admired stoic/regular people. I thought of them as more together than me, less desperate and pathetic. But, thanks to my unacknowledged CSA and related PTSD (and the problems the ran out from that), I had a TON of pain and emotional turmoil in my life, but it all felt otherworldly, disconnected to myself. I was lonesome a lot. Sometimes my eyes would fill with tears. I would become unaccountably afraid sometimes. Like if I was playing basketball (where I have played a bit like a star), I'd sometimes just make stupid mistakes or find myself unable to make free throws, even though the day before I could make 94 out of 100, which basically means you're hitting 12 in a row, missing one, making 20, missing two, making 25, missing one... and so on. And so with a constant bubbling up of fear and emotion combined with the inability to recognize and express the emotion, I think I constantly invented fake drama. Maybe it gave me a safe way to express my feelings. Like I would pretend something had hurt, and I would react in pain and sometimes even cry... even though it didn't hurt at all! It was also a way to lie, I guess. But all of it revolved around inventing drama to cover up the real drama, all while I admired most the people who were the least dramatic, and that's probably what attracted me to my wife... that and the fact that she's gorgeous and awesome, funny and smart.

Anyway, the urge to milk a dramatic situation can be a great distraction for someone dealing with CSA, especially early in the therapeutic process. And by early, I mean, for me, the first few years. And that's because it's VERY HARD for me to attach words and emotional displays to my actual feelings and emotions. It's MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE for me to "fake" it. And because of lifelong practice, I'm REALLY good at faking it.

But here's another wrinkle. Some of the stuff that I thought I was faking at the time actually, as I've thought about it more, was real emotion, and my "faking" it was actually me dissociating myself from my own emotions. I don't know if you or your husband dissociate, but it's a common PTSD symptom. For me, it manifests itself as feeling like my "identity" is deep behind my eyeballs, like really remote, as if the inside of my head is maybe as big as a football field, and I'm on one side and the edge of my eyeballs are on the other, like everything is so, so, so distant. Things can get strange like that sometimes, like the whole world can look wet and shimmery with a thin film of water. It's pretty scary, to be honest. Or things can just look fake. I've learned that dissociating is something a kid learns when they're getting raped or something, so they don't have to experience it fully at the time, because that's too overwhelming. It's crazy to think that the ability to dissociate can be so powerful as to create hallucinations and all kinds of insane stuff! Literally!

Anyway, As I have learned more about identifying my emotions and feelings and expressing them, the dissociating has happened less often, and I'm better at making it stop. Likewise, I have fewer instances that I feel my emotions are "fake" or that I create "fake" emotions. BUT... I still appreciate a very mellow and low-key response from people, including my wife, about whatever is up with me. Any dramatic response can be overwhelming, and prove tempting for me to "milk" overmuch.

How does all this relate to you? Well, I think it relates, because it helps explain why your Hs might be quiet and distant. (Possibly dissociating or being dramatic.) Plus, being having CSA encourages incredibly selfish thinking, because you're self-obsessed and you've got every excuse to be, at least in your own mind. Although I think your H's response to the scary MRI was probably more typical of a dude than anything, because dudes want to solve problems, not hear problems and express sympathy. I think guys generally think... is there a problem? Let's fix it, and then let's move on!

It also might relate, because your H may be (this might seem ironic) using the hullabaloo around the infidelity and CSA to actually avoid dealing with his real emotions and continue "faking" it. I've actually done that from time to time, as weird as it may sound.

And hey, you wish you had a "regular" husband. I wish I was a "regular" person. My goal... and I'm not there but headed in that direction... is to heal enough that CSA just becomes part of my past, just like the fact that I broke my arm as a kid. We all have shitty things in our past. But CSA doesn't have to be our defining characteristic.

OK. I'm signing off for the day. May be gone for a few days, actually. Today has been a doozy!

Bob

Top
#450383 - 10/16/13 06:33 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 243
Loc: us
Wow robert what a great response.
I want to be sure that my analogy was strictly the conclusion I've come to currently about my situation. I really didn't mean to imply that if staying with your H is damaging you should stay anyway. As much as we all have in common on here each relationship is different.
Another important piece for me is that I have seen continous progress from my H. It is slow progress but just the same he is moving forward. I don't know that I would choose to stay or even marry him if there hadn't been steps forward.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#450426 - 10/16/13 11:27 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Dark Empathy makes me have to address something I always feel awkward about when I'm on MS.

My advice for married people is different than for people who aren't but who are in a relationship with a survivor.

I'm positive if I had known that the traits I saw while we were dating would end me up here because he didn't/wouldn't work through his issues, I would have bolted. When we have these discussions it is really important to remember that survivors present in a variety of ways. I picked Mr. Perfection. Everyone loves him. He's the nicest, the kindest, the most helpful, the most friendly, the most civic minded, etc. I would love to tell you that he was like that in public and a monster at home, but that would be a lie. He's like that at home too. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or rage. He did/does have a porn habit for years and I didn't know it was a problem (I know it's difficult to believe but his business has late hours and he calls the shots). He began having extramarital affairs, all the while active in our church and perfectly nice to me at home. He also keeps important secrets like investing all of the money we had and some of the money we didn't very unwisely. The cheating really is difficult to bear but I'm still here because I made a promise to God and to him. We also have children. Partners who have made no such promise to God and/or each other and their survivor mistreats them and will not seek treatment perplex me. I want to yell "RUN!" Partners not promised who are with survivors seeking help, I absolutely get. I don't know, but I don't think I would have broken things off with my then boyfriend now husband had he told me of the CSA before we got married vs. 5 years into it PROVIDED he was seeking treatment. There are some women who have come on this board in the past and they feel like they can really help their guy and offer understanding and unconditional acceptance and on and on and on. And maybe it's true. And maybe their man won't act out, because I know not all of them do, but if I had even a whiff that I might end up in the position where I'm unknowingly exposed to STDs because of my husbands multiple infidelities, I'd be a gonner. I'd have never thought that I'd be worth more dead than alive at this point in my life because I can't imagine dealing with money the way he has. I think the number one lesson I learned on this board is "You didn't break him and you can't fix him." The second you start to think that it is your love or your understanding that is going to save him, you are sunk.And when you start to peel off whole chunks of your being to accommodate his sickness, you have bigger problems than the fall out from his CSA.

I love what HD001 says about how she deals and the cancer analogy. It feels harder because our men have choices and we can't understand why they don't choose healthy. It's a really hard thing to watch in general, but when you are married to them, those poor choices impact you too.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#450456 - 10/17/13 10:49 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
That's some profound stuff, GoodHope. Thank you for giving voice to your thoughts and feelings.

Top
#450459 - 10/17/13 11:04 AM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
We talked about his non reciprocal stuff last night at great length. It seems he runs to those old stand-by defenses he learned from the CSA. I knew that when I looked at him in pre-op and he looked like a scared child. He never really talked about it though.

I think it may be better if I express what I need him to do instead of being quiet and expecting him to act certain ways. It's a subtle adjustment really but not something I had taken into consideration.

We had a good talk last night.

Thanks for all the input! smile

Top
#450468 - 10/17/13 12:58 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
We need instructions. Not that most men are given to read instructions.

Now that I read that above, you are in an impossible place!

Just kidding smile. Hang in there
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#450477 - 10/17/13 04:14 PM Re: So how do we fix it? [Re: sugarbaby]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Well sb, I'm glad you've had that discussion and things seem better.


I confess though I'm not really able to say much, since for me emotionally supporting a partner in a reciprical relationship is something I actually want! to do, albeit that that couldn't be all the relationship was.

To me, not supporting someone emotionnly is as confusing as p0rn or affairs are to me with my genophobia. i can freely see how being triggered and how dark moments can change a personality, but for me at least those would manifest mostly in a desire for solitude and a need (sometimes extreme), to not interact with others.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.