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#449608 - 10/08/13 09:52 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: lucylives

We start messing around....h gets aroused, thoughts to past abuse come into his mind as well as past acting out behaviours which were reenactments of the abuse, and then bam. Self hatred, feeling like a perv because it excites/excited him, guilt, and fear that he isn't a "normal" man. That he is less than. At least that is how I understand it from what he has said. So every one of your comments were on in one way or another.

still, I agree. I think they are always there in our bedroom with us.

Soccer, he has said he feels like a perp sometimes when we are doing it.



If it has been 4 years, a switch-up of therapists is likely necessary. Also, the antidepressant Wellbutrin has the very pleasant side effect (to me anyway) of hypersexuality - it is the ONLY antidepressant now on the market free from sex-impeding side effects and in fact it goes the opposite way. Some other meds are real chemical cock-blocks.... Zoloft in my experience is the absolute worst, the most frightening in the thoroughness of its deactivation.

At the risk of seeming vulgar... there may be options of exploring avenues of physical intimacy that don't require him to "perform." Sex toys are used just as much by people with physical or neurological challenges as by the bored and kinky. If there is a certain level where he IS comfortable and then a threshold where he ISN'T - use that threshold to introduce some accessory. You could agree on which of you would be controlling its use, or take turns. He could stay at the level of his own physical involvement where he is excited and "good" and then you could get more fulfillment.

I hope that wasn't offensive - I deliberately posted it publicly and not via PM, despite its sensitive nature, because this IS a problem that many many couples deal with and it is a potential threat to the relationship. Creative approaches can avoid traditional "shutdown" triggers while making clear that your needs are validated and met.

My wife was seriously nauseous from a really bad pregnancy - I went 14 months with utterly no intimacy whatsoever. Nothing. Not even a helping hand on my birthday (which btw she forgot). It puts you in a very bad place - my nervous breakdown absolutely would not have happened had that part of my life been normal. So I am very sympathetic to the wives out there and, to be frank, I also believe there is a difference between "acting out" and getting the essentials of life from outside a marriage that isn't providing it. If your spouse gets jaw cancer, you don't also have to go on a liquid diet along with them.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449609 - 10/08/13 09:56 PM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 646
Loc: michigan
lucy I wrote this for my wife not long after I started here http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...3356#Post393356
it was to help her understand what it in my head at times maybe it will help ... it is really hard to explain but I hope it helps
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#449639 - 10/09/13 08:01 AM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
OTF, the thoughts of why liking it and then jumping the tracks sound like him exactly.

Mark, 24 years? Yikes.

Soccer, he refused antidepressants and being that he is a sex addict, wellbutrin is out of the question.

Which brings up a whole other thing.......when acting out anonymously and with prostitutes it didn't seem to be as much as a problem. Probably because he could reenact the abuse and not feel like he is tainting them as they were already tainted to be doing that crap with him anyway.

As for the toys, I have no problem with that but I don't want sex to be about just getting off which is what toys feel like to me.

Newground, thanks for that. I am going to print that off for him. I think that is a lot of it. Tainting me. Which is why I think it was okay when acting out. He was only tainting himself and his partners which were the walking wounded, possibly below him in his mind. Already tainted.....

I hope that above paragraph didn't sound offensive and snobby.

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#449643 - 10/09/13 08:50 AM Re: why is sex still so hard for him... [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1871
Loc: durham, north england
@Lucy, I appologise if my rewording was confusing, I just wanted to illustrate the point that the meaning of even the concept of s/x to an abuse surviver can be such a different and alien thing to how it is for anyone else.

To me, just at the point in my development when I should! have been gently exploring s/x as a teenager as something at least fun, at most an expression of actual love and intamcy, it was given a different meaning. I actually can't even imagine circumstances of being naked with another person and not freezing or feeling that sense of disgust, the memory of that humiliation, even reading the word is a slightly dirty concept to me, like the thought of drinking out of a toilet.

This is why I've never looked for a prostitute or similar, though I admit I have a morbid curiosity. I mb (actually probably more often than I should), but that is to take care of the matter and hopefully stop myself from having nightmares, since for me all! s/xual dreams are nightmares simply because! they are s/xual.

As I said this is something I could imagine fixing with another person, but it'd take a lot of work, indeed when I think! about the sort of relationship I would like to have, the most physical intimacy I imagine is kissing, since anything else is just, ---- well bad!

Of course, I am genophobic, and that isn't really something I can fix without! someone tto fix it with, and as far as I can gather complete and total genophobia isn't quite as common among survivers, indeed I find Crux' comment about his mum somewhat ironic given how for me if anything my! mum has pushed me in the direction of finding a s/xual partner, making s/xual jokes in my hearing and once even offering to find me a prostitute "to fix things"

Really, if I didn't think it'd have serious medical effects and likely profoundly change my singign voice I'd considder full medical castration, since I do not like having a libido, particularly one as active as mine appears to be.

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