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#449423 - 10/07/13 01:51 PM H is recounting details for the first time
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
As I type, my H is on his way to his therapist where he will begin to recount the actual details of his abuse. He has told me what he remembers - something I don't wish on anyone, even a professional. After a year and a half of therapy, and thinking he is "stuck", he feels this needs to be done in order to move forward. .

This was his idea and his therapist supports the decision and believes it is a big step for him. I am wondering what do I do when he comes home this evening? What might I expect? Is anyone out there who has been through this?

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#449424 - 10/07/13 02:10 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Yes.
Been there. And it IS a BIG step.

I would take your cues from him. He may be emotionally and physically wiped out. I often needed to just be alone and quiet after that kind of session. I did not want to talk about it right then. I needed to feel safe and loved and accepted - but not smothered or patronized. It was difficult for me to know at the time what I wanted - and hard for my wife to know what to do.

So - be available. Be flexible. You could even ask what he wants and needs.

Wishing you both good healing.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449425 - 10/07/13 02:23 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
He will probably be emotionally exhausted, weepy, and also frustrated and grouchy that all the prior therapy didn't help enough and he had to go through this again.

Have the house quiet when he comes home. If he has a favorite warm drink, ie tea or cocoa, have it ready for him. Give him a hug and say you're proud of him.

That's probably all you can do. Most likely he will not want pity but he will want to crash.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449443 - 10/07/13 04:47 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I'll bet that he'll be simply exhausted. That's how I was when I first went through the facts. I'd offer support. A kind word and a hug. For me, I don't really want a lot of physical touch after those kind of therapy sessions. And then maybe do something like play gin rummy or something.

Anyway, glad to hear of the progress. Good luck.

Bob

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#449461 - 10/07/13 08:39 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 170
Loc: Virginia
Hi Valkyrie,

Traveler is right-- He'll need to feel safe, loved, and accepted. Disclosing what happened to someone else is the ugliest part of it, at least in my experience. What I would offer as advice is what my wife gave me-- you don't understand why someone hurt him, but you understand he's been hurt. You know it isn't his fault. You support his efforts to get this out on the table (perhaps the most important milestone there is in dealing with this, at least from my experience) and you're there to talk about it if he wants but if he doesn't want to, that's ok.

I know this is a tall order for many spouses, but at least in my case it was exactly what I needed to know and hear at the time. Don't feel bad if he doesn't give you the details of what he and his T talked about. Sometimes they're just too painful to go over again, especially if the specific acts of abuse were discussed. It's great you reached out to MS to see what to do-- that tells me that you're very likely to wind up on the right track.

If it's any help, I spent decades brushing this under the rug until things came to a head about six or seven weeks ago. I finally broke down to my wife (of nineteen years) in tears and more or less blurted out what had happened to me. I told her I wanted to start seeing a T right away. Since then, the recovery process has been amazing. We all heal at different rates, but the point I'm looking to make is that, once it's out there on the table and not something hidden away inside, the real healing process can begin. I think he's made some real progress by getting to this stage. Good luck and post again as things go on.


Edited by gettingstronger (10/07/13 08:40 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#449486 - 10/08/13 12:47 AM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 197
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi Valkyrie

I'm not sure writing this whether your H has returned yet as working out the different times here in the UK is a problem, however, the guys here are right, on Saturday I sat down and told my wife the whole lot, every awful detail, she did know some of what happened before but like gettingstronger it was amazing I felt that a great weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and it truly felt that after 40 or so years I could start moving forward.

All of the guys here echo my feelings that he'll need to feel safe, loved and secure, I needed to feel sure that my wife's reactions to what I was going to tell her would be OK before I said anything.

I hope it went well, and I wish you both happiness
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449566 - 10/08/13 05:07 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Valkyrie-

Please let us know how it is going if you have the desire and time to do so.

Hoping all is well,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449617 - 10/08/13 11:11 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Surprisingly well ?

H came home yesterday after his appointment. He had to take some time before coming home, got some ice cream which actually triggered a positive memory for him...

Anyway, he was mentally and physically wiped out. I didn't ask, didn't press. We hugged. More or less carried on as normal, and then this evening, he shared some details about how it went and how it wasn't as awful as he had assumed it would be.

He says his memories come out in bits and pieces, that he cannot remember anything in a linear fashion. I would think that after 30 years this would be expected, wouldn't it?

H has a follow up tomorrow with his T. I feel like he might be getting "un-stuck".

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#449638 - 10/09/13 07:54 AM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
That sounds so good. Congrats to both of you!

Yeah - fragments is probly pretty common. it was for me. Like putting together a puzzle. Still some missing pieces. But that is ok. just as well without them.

A couple of things to watch out for. Sometimes there is a sense of exhilaration after a very revealing session - like a natural high from winning over the resistance and opposition. Then - often a slump or emotional backlash. Like a pendulum swing. Don't be alarmed by that. It is also common - like muscles being sore after a hard workout. All signs of growth and progress. It does get easier - in the long run.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449712 - 10/09/13 09:20 PM Re: H is recounting details for the first time [Re: Valkyrie]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 170
Loc: Virginia
Valkyrie,

Good for both of you! Traveler is right. Fragments are normal. Don't be surprised if he eventually gets them stitched together into a narrative of sorts where he can look at the whole picture at the same time. The good news is that fragments are scary, confusing and painful (at least they were for me) but getting them pulled together into a cohesive picture makes them far less so and far easier to be understood and dealt with.

When he reaches this stage, don't be surprised if he's REALLY angry. It won't be at you! If he's like many of us, these fragments are pointing to people, things and situations who have missed having justice done upon them for decades (in a manner of speaking.) They need to be yelled at, in one way or another. Also an excellent sign.

Lots of work to be done but I'm glad to see a glimmer. I hope this T meeting and subsequent ones go well. Hang in there. :-)
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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