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#449370 - 10/06/13 10:48 PM Roadtrip with dad.
jonmark411 Offline


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 8
2,775 miles.
40 hours in a car.
Alone with my dad.
All the way from Washington State to New Hampshire in a 2000 Civic, loaded with everything I owned.
I had dreaded this trip for weeks, and it had finally arrived. I had never breathed a word of my past to my parents. They had just recently found out I was “gay,” albeit going through ex-gay therapy at the time.
I had picked up my dad late in the afternoon at the airport, and we immediately started out home, making it to some small town deep in Montana by nightfall. After a restless night at a hotel we were back on the road early.
The miles rolled away, mostly in silence.
Sometimes breaking it with random chats about the scenery, different things we saw, or something… anything but myself. I gritted my teeth and finally brought up the topic I wanted nothing to do with.
Me,
gays,
me being gay,
me growing up.
I was the last person I wanted to talk about.
Years of silence had rendered me almost completely incapable of expressing myself or what had happened.
I finally blurted it out.
This guy did something to me when I was younger. I couldn’t bring myself to even say what it was.
I mentioned nothing of my same sex emotions or feelings, just simply… something bad happened. I had hoped, hell I had prayed like none other. Please react well Dad, please react well.
This sparked a lecture/speech that only a Baptist pastor could manage to muster after hearing a confession like the one I had just uttered.
It was my fault.
This is why I’m gay.
I was the sacrificial lamb for his ministry.
He and mom had sacrificed everything for me.
I wish I could have yanked that confession back into my mouth.
I guess I was right all those years in not trusting, not speaking to anyone.

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#449376 - 10/06/13 11:29 PM Re: Roadtrip with dad. [Re: jonmark411]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
((((johnmark))))

When I first came to terms with my abuse, I wanted so desperately for my parents to be there for me. Looking back now, it seems crazy because they were never there for me for anything else. But they were still my world and I thought if I could make them understand things would be better.

But they didn't understand. And they never will.

But that doesn't mean no one will understand. I won't lie to you, in my experience most people won't. But some will.

And it wasn't your fault.

It wasn't your fault.

I'm not sure what the connection is between you being the sacrificial lamb for his ministry. That doesn't sound to me like they sacrificed for you. Sounds like you were expected to sacrifice for them and his "ministry." Maybe I'm reading that wrong, but if I am reading it right it was very unfair of them. A father's first duty is to his family.

Anyway, I am so sorry your father reacted that way. There are understanding people in the world and I hope you can find that is true. Life is too long to not trust anyone, even though figuring out who is worth trusting is one of the hardest things in life.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#449380 - 10/07/13 12:27 AM Re: Roadtrip with dad. [Re: jonmark411]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Johnmark,

I am so sorry that you had to hear that. Please know that it wasn't your fault. You were a child and at the mercy of of an evil man. To say it was your fault implies that you were able to decide that you wanted it and were able to give consent - None of that is true. A child is not able to give consent. It was not your fault.

You have come to the right place. Here at MS you will find the support you are seeking. We here understand your story and are able to help you heal. While your story is your own, there are many others here who have lived through the same experience you just had. They can help you at this time, when you so desperately need it. I hope you are able to make the most of the resources here at MS. Please take it at your own pace and do what's right for you. We understand your story and genuinely care for your well being.

I wish you all the best. I hope you will come to believe that telling your story here is, indeed, the right thing to do.

Dave

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#449383 - 10/07/13 01:06 AM Re: Roadtrip with dad. [Re: jonmark411]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I'm horrified that someone used you like that, and when you opened up about it, someone used your story like that.

I'm so very sorry that you had to go through that!

+1 to what everyone has said. It's not your fault. You had every right to be protected and treated well when you were young, and your private story should have remained private!

Yikes!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449389 - 10/07/13 05:09 AM Re: Roadtrip with dad. [Re: jonmark411]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Man I really feel for you.

The ignorance perpetrated in the name of a god is mind numbing.

Sorry you were betrayed twice on a terrible thing.

As others said, and I am learning, it was not your fault. You need that love and acceptance. The food thing about this site is that you get that here.

It amazed me that I never found that feeling of "me too" until coming here.

I hope you find what you are looking for here.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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