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#449339 - 10/06/13 01:12 PM Intro
john50049 Offline


Registered: 12/13/12
Posts: 1
Loc: Kansas
I was planning to take the knowledge of my abuse to my grave but after 40 years of running and hiding from being sexually abused and keeping it a secret the Lord opened a door for me to begin healing. I told a church member my secret when I hit the lowest point in my life with no desire to go on. I was desperate to end the life of being a victim and to get help as my life fell apart and I was at the end of carrying the burden alone. My marriage ended 1 year after telling my secret, as there was no compassion or understanding for the abuse I went through. (She did not believe I could have been abused. She felt I could have gotten away from the man but she had no clue how hard it was to do that. She even though I might be gay cause I did not put a stop to it. All the stuff that she said hurt so bad. It was bad enough to be dealing with being abused and then she showed no support at all. That made me want to end my life and end the pain.) The Lord continued to help me as I told my 3 grown children, my parents and 2 sisters. My family embraced me with love (except my wife) and it gave me hope to overcome being a victim of sexual abuse. After telling them about the abuse I felt as though a heavy burden was lifted off me and I was finally on the road to healing. I still had a long way to go. I got into counseling and I am still in counseling as I deal with what was done to me. It makes me sick thinking of the things the man did to me and the things he made me do to him. I have since met a wonderful woman that does care about what happened to me and I can talk to her about it and she does not make me feel like it was my fault.
That is a quick run down of my life. Very abbreviated. I still struggle with low self esteem, depression and anxiety but I have to just take one day at a time. My abuser is dead so I will never be able to confront him although I did write a letter to him telling him all my feelings I have for him. My counselor had me do that and it felt very good to do even though I could not give it to him as he was dead.
I hope all of this makes sense and I am thankful I found this site. Thank you to all of you that has taken time to read this.
John

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#449345 - 10/06/13 03:27 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 269
Loc: Southeast USA
John,

Glad yo have found this place. It is very helpful.

Sorry to hear your story of abuse and then rejection at your lowest point. But then you have bounced back and found the power you needed.

What a demonstration of strength and character. And a reconstructed life!

My time here has helped me learn that I was not to blame. That has helped me so much.

I hope you find some answers and peace here.

Welcome
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449346 - 10/06/13 03:31 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
John,

I am sorry for the reason you need to be hear, but welcome to the MSforum.
Your short story is heartbreaking and encouraging. Some really good steps on the road to recovery.
I am glad you found us. There is a great deal to be learned from those who came here before us.
I hope you find MS as supportive and healing as I have.
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

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#449348 - 10/06/13 04:02 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
what an amazing journey!
an odyssey of pain that has you washed up on the shores of ms.org.

your adventure continues...
all you need is a map and a compass.
the map is not the territory,
the compass is not the destination.

may you experience joy in exploration, disclosure, and discovery,
but be warned, there are plenty of pitfalls and pain on the path to recovery.

allow me to welcome you to our place of healing.
i hope you find good things here.
we work together, using the friction and fireworks of fraternity to find ourselves.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#449429 - 10/07/13 03:07 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: john50049
I was planning to take the knowledge of my abuse to my grave but after 40 years of running and hiding from being sexually abused and keeping it a secret the Lord opened a door for me to begin healing. I told a church member my secret when I hit the lowest point in my life with no desire to go on. I was desperate to end the life of being a victim and to get help as my life fell apart and I was at the end of carrying the burden alone. My marriage ended 1 year after telling my secret, as there was no compassion or understanding for the abuse I went through. (She did not believe I could have been abused. She felt I could have gotten away from the man but she had no clue how hard it was to do that. She even though I might be gay cause I did not put a stop to it. All the stuff that she said hurt so bad. It was bad enough to be dealing with being abused and then she showed no support at all. That made me want to end my life and end the pain.) The Lord continued to help me as I told my 3 grown children, my parents and 2 sisters. My family embraced me with love (except my wife) and it gave me hope to overcome being a victim of sexual abuse. After telling them about the abuse I felt as though a heavy burden was lifted off me and I was finally on the road to healing. I still had a long way to go. I got into counseling and I am still in counseling as I deal with what was done to me. It makes me sick thinking of the things the man did to me and the things he made me do to him. I have since met a wonderful woman that does care about what happened to me and I can talk to her about it and she does not make me feel like it was my fault.
That is a quick run down of my life. Very abbreviated. I still struggle with low self esteem, depression and anxiety but I have to just take one day at a time. My abuser is dead so I will never be able to confront him although I did write a letter to him telling him all my feelings I have for him. My counselor had me do that and it felt very good to do even though I could not give it to him as he was dead.
I hope all of this makes sense and I am thankful I found this site. Thank you to all of you that has taken time to read this.
John


WOW John! Same/same! The wife thing exactly as you describe.
You can see my 700 Club disclosure thing (5-min) via my glob-link.
But WOW!

Same/SAme on disclosure and the church too.

I wish I could say the same for meeting a supportive woman.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#449457 - 10/07/13 08:19 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
John,
I'm sorry to hear about the problems you faced when you broke your silence. I had trouble opening up to my brother who I hadn't spoken with for 20 years. He went to the same high school I did but he was never abused. After I got the nerve up to contact him, sisters and mother I felt a load was lifted but also depression. When I later some with my family, they told me they wanted to harm the priest like he did to me.

Bill61
_________________________
Small Stones
"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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#449558 - 10/08/13 03:42 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Welcome John,

Your story is painfully familiar, yet unique because it happened to you. I also waited more than 40 years to let my secret out, and am struggling to make a new life now. The process is extremely painful, but its the only way to heal. And you will heal, if you keep doing the things you are doing to pursue that goal.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#449559 - 10/08/13 03:44 PM Re: Intro [Re: john50049]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
Welcome to Ms.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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