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#449330 - 10/06/13 09:24 AM my story
deanlaw Offline


Registered: 10/01/13
Posts: 3
Hi my name is Dean, I was abused from the age of 11 by a Church Youth leader. It didn't end until I was able to leave him at the age of 20. Church members new what was going on, including the priest and so nothing was dome to prevent it. He always convinced me that there was nothing wrong in the relationship and as no one else tried to stop it, I believed this to. I did finally understand I was abused until I attended a training course on CSA, and it finally dawned on me that they were talking about me. As an adult I have never felt comfortable with others, I have avoided being close, sexually I have allowed me to continue to abuse me often asking that they be violent towards me. I have a partner of 5 years whom I cannot be intimate with. Emotionally I can never work out what me feelings are, which usually ends in my crashing through alcohol, drugs and sex. I went to the police a few years ago but they were unable to prosecute as nobody would support my story, including my mother. At the moment I am on anti depressants, I feel like I want just disappear, I let down my partner again yesterday, at a time when he really needed me. Even writing this now I feel like I am attention seeking and should just sort my act out. I feel very confused.

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#449336 - 10/06/13 12:49 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
deanlaw Offline


Registered: 10/01/13
Posts: 3
Originally Posted By: deanlaw
Hi my name is Dean, I was abused from the age of 11 by a Church Youth leader. It didn't end until I was able to leave him at the age of 20. Church members knew what was going on, including the priest and nothing was done to prevent it. He always convinced me that there was nothing wrong in the relationship and as no one else tried to stop it, I believed this. I did finally accept I was abused after I attended a training course on CSA, and it finally dawned on me that they were talking about me. As an adult I have never felt comfortable with others, I have avoided being close, sexually I have allowed the abuse to continue asking sexual partners to be violent, culminating in my asking to HIV positive men to infect me. I have a partner of 5 years whom I cannot be intimate with. Emotionally I can never work out what me feelings are, which usually ends in my shutting down through alcohol, drugs and sex. I went to the police a few years ago but they were unable to prosecute as nobody would support my story, including my mother. At the moment I am on anti depressants, I feel like I want just disappear, I let down my partner again yesterday, at a time when he really needed me. Even writing this now I feel like I am attention seeking and should just sort my act out. I feel very confused.

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#449338 - 10/06/13 01:05 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
Hey Dean,

I'm not in a great place emotionally right now either, but I wanted to say I think you are brave for sharing your story. You deserved and deserve to be protected. I am so sorry for what happened to you but I am glad you have found this place.

Jacob
_________________________


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#449347 - 10/06/13 03:47 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hi dean,

You've taken a bold a brave step to sharer your story here.
I am sorry that you have reason to be here.
I understand the feeling of being detached from emotions, as I feel the same way.
This something I work on almost daily.
There is hope, and things can get better. This forum is a great start.
There are many here who share your story, or a version of it, but we all share your pain, you are not alone in this.
If you are not already, I would suggest therapy, and a couple of good topical books.
Victim no longer by Mike Lew, and joining forces by Dr Howard Fradkin, a co-founder of this very site.

You've taken a great step in coming here.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#449349 - 10/06/13 04:06 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3413
Loc: O Kanada
thanks for sharing your feelings and experiences here.
i appreciate it.
all i can do is hope it makes you feel a little better to post it here.
if it makes you feel better... keep it coming!

everything you have said so far resonates with me,
and i am sure many other survivors here can relate.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#449354 - 10/06/13 05:01 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
deanlaw Offline


Registered: 10/01/13
Posts: 3
Thank you for your supportive words it means a lot. The idea I can get over this seems far away, but I will try and be hopeful.

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#449362 - 10/06/13 08:27 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 334
Loc: Iowa, USA
Dean

Thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry for what happened to you. I was abused by a priest, myself, and I understand that extra burden that comes with being abused by a church leader. They are supposed to lead us to truth. They are supposed to be the examples of holiness and they engage in these heinous acts.

You have come to the right place. The guys here are very supportive and they understand what you're experiencing. Please know that you can share your story and no one will judge you. On the contrary, the men on this side will lift you up and give you hope. Take it at your own pace - your story is unique and you have to do what is right for you.

If you want, feel free to send me a PM. I can relate to being abused by a man of the church. Best of luck to you

Dave

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#449390 - 10/07/13 05:22 AM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
DeanLaw,
I am glad that you came here, and very, very sorry that you have a past that would bring you here.

Please don't disappear. You are worth existing. Please seek attention here, because you have wounds that deserve attention.

YOU deserve attention. You are not junk. You are not to blame.

You are worth protection and comfort.
You are worth the time and effort to listen.
You are worth so much more.

I am hoping that you don't get any HIV positive people to take you up on it. Because there is hope. There can be a better time, a better future than this.

Please be safe. Please know that I don't see you "attention seeking" coming here. I see you wound-healing coming here, and wounds deserve to be healed, particularly the wounds of boys who survived what you have.

You weren't made as junk. You were made wonderful, and even though he inflicted terrible wounds on you for so long, your perp cannot change that core truth.

You are wonderful and worth it. Hang in there please.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449560 - 10/08/13 03:53 PM Re: my story [Re: deanlaw]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1579
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: deanlaw
..... Even writing this now I feel like I am attention seeking and should just sort my act out. I feel very confused.
Welcome Dean, and please don't harbor any doubts about why you are writing here. Like all of us, you have a need to tell the truth about what happened, to people who will believe you and support you in processing it all. We've been through it, so we "get it", without judgement or condemnation. Hang in there.

jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#449572 - 10/08/13 05:42 PM ! [Re: deanlaw]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:58 PM)

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