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#449232 - 10/05/13 12:43 AM I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers.
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
This started as a reply to Shyshark in Victor-Victim's Reinhold Niebuhr thread in the poetry forum. But it was stream of consciousness and then I had a thought I've never had before. So I'm putting it here instead.

Thank you for sharing that shyshark. What you said about your family wanting you to swallow your problems. For me it was my brother's autism, same result as your father's recovery. I existed to be a problem solver. I was not allowed the luxury of having problems of my own. Of my three abusers, the longest lasting one was because I went to his house regularly while my mother took care of my brother. I was so trained to not make a fuss, it never would have even occurred to me to say I didn't want to go. In fact, I specifically remember a moment where I remember thinking to myself that it was my job to be nice to him. Because it was my job to be nice to everyone. What they did to me didn't matter. I willingly gave my GI Joes away to that bully because I had been trained to be "nice." I think my brother screaming, kicking, biting me till I bled, pulling my hair out even when I was very little helped train me for that. Because when I fought back, I was called mean and wrong. He could do whatever he wanted to me but it only became a problem if I struck back. And since I was only 16 months older but so often the one left in charge of him, trying to protect myself by leaving was not acceptable either. Shit, no wonder I was so willing to keep quiet. I was physically abused by my younger brother and I didn't even realize it until just this minute.

I was yelled at and occasionally hit by my parents when I made him upset.
When he (an autistic child) started beating on me (I was 16 months older but small for my age so I was never really "bigger" than him) I just had to take it. If you've ever seen an autistic child go into a rage, you know that being on the receiving end of it is no small thing.
When I defended myself or tried to leave, I was made to feel that I was a bad person.

Shit. No new memories here but I'm suddenly seeing all this in a different light. I could not count on my parents for protection. I was made to believe that the moral thing was to sit there and take it. My parents allowed it and even implicitly encouraged it by never even trying to figure out how to stop it. After all, I was honestly led to believe that him being upset was my fault in the first place. If I had been "nice," he wouldn't have gotten mad.

I was physically abused as a 6-8 year old. by my younger brother.
this is gonna take a little while to process.
and honestly its really embarrassing. because I was supposed to be strong.
This makes me feel weak and foolish.


Edited by Jacob S (10/05/13 12:52 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#449234 - 10/05/13 02:02 AM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: Jacob S]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
The adult YOU thinks this is weak and foolish but you are looking and judging yourself intensely, take a step back and remember you were just a child, not a man, a child. It was your parents damaged sense of self that could not see what was really going on...who knows what was happening with them...but it is a miracle you are here and strong enough to look at your past, at your inner memories, take time for yourself and just look beyond the damage...you are not a victim you are a survivor. Courageous and ALIVE.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#449242 - 10/05/13 02:31 AM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: Jacob S]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I think this is a key bit of insight! It isn't your weakness, it's how you learned to survive!

If you see it as a weakness, it was one that someone exploited instead of protecting the way that they should. NOT your fault.

If you see it as I do, as someone doing their absolute best to live in really challenging circumstances, then it was someone attacking part of who you were and who you were raised to be.

TOTALLY not your fault.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449278 - 10/05/13 01:19 PM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
I literally can't talk today. I can type and I can sing sad songs very quietly, but I can't get sentences out of my mouth.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#449292 - 10/05/13 07:23 PM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: Jacob S]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 148
Loc: Virginia
Jacob S,

Thanks for posting this. While I don't have an autistic sibling, I can DEFINITELY relate. It's amazing how many of us were put in a position of "the family doormat" before the csa even took place, and how much easier it made it for our perps....

Thank you for writing "I existed to be the problem solver. I was not allowed the luxury of having problems of my own" and "it was my job to be nice to everyone." Hits it square on the head for me. For you to be able to sum it up in a post like this is awesome, and the last thing you should feel is either weak or foolish. Your brother probably didn't mean it, but that didn't lessen the ferocity of what you went through at all. It's also good if you can't talk today-- you're processing it, which is how it heals. Trust me on that.

And about your parents: what the hell were they thinking that (a) you were responsible for your brother's feelings, and (b)it was ok to hit YOU when HE acted inappropriately? To lay this sort of crap on a child (with or without subsequent molestation) is inexcusable. You have the right to be upset about this and feel the wrong person got picked on.

Like you, I wasn't allowed to have problems of my own from a very young age. Everyone else's problems-- my parents' marriage, their finances, my mom's weight gain following my birth, etc. etc. were specifically made my fault. Those were what I worried about, not the problems I faced in my own life. I can relate to how shitty that makes you feel. I appreciate you sharing in your post because I've been trying to find the right way to sum up my own situation, and this hits it right on the head.

Be pissed off, cry about it, but don't feel weak, embarrassed or foolish about it. You did the very best you could long before you had an adult's reasoning capabilities. Hang in there.


Edited by gettingstronger (10/05/13 07:25 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity

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#449331 - 10/06/13 09:39 AM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: gettingstronger]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1092
Loc: The ATL

Hi Jacob. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I wish you wouldn't feel embarrassed about what happened to you and you certainly aren't weak or foolish. It isn't your fault that your parents were to incompetent as caretakers to keep you younger brother from attacking you. It isn't your fault that they unfairly made it your solemn duty to serve as your brother's punching bag and to do so without complaint. The more I sit here and think about it, the more fucked up that seems. It makes me angry at them for you. I hope at some point you have the ability to step back, take a deep breath, and relieve yourself of any shame or self doubt you feel over all this. It was your parents who were weak and foolish, not you. Try not to transfer their shortcomings on to yourself. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#449372 - 10/06/13 10:53 PM Re: I don;t know what to call this. could be triggers. [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
you slapped me and you say you don't remember
Like that is supposed to make me feel better
"Oh, its ok that you hit me,
as long as it wasn't important to you."

He bit me and you said it was my fault
Looking at my blood and the marks of his teeth
And if I got away there was no where to run
Without him screaming names after me

"Nice" and "Mean" were the gods of the house.
To be NICE was everything holy
to be MEAN was equal to being evil and rotten
And yet no matter how I tried,
He was always called "nice"
I was always declared "mean."

Trying to hold him off with my outstretched arm
Anything else would bring down your rage


but he was weak.
everyone said he was weak
and gentle and innocent.

and I was strong and mean.
If I was such a bully,
why'd you leave me alone with him?

If I was so bad at taking care of him,
how'd I get the job?

"Be nice to your brother.
God wants you to be nice to your brother."

If I was so mean and he was so nice,
why was I the one who hated to fight?
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top


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