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#449098 - 10/03/13 11:08 PM was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS?
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
I am not sure how to approach this. I do not want to appear to trivialize anyone else’s experience by comparing it to my own. I do not want to offend or hurt anyone. So here is a disclaimer and an apology in advance.

I think it may be TRIGGERING for some.

I have always felt quite certain that though I experienced numerous other kinds of abuse – verbal, physical, as well as a variety of sexual abuses, I would always deny that I was ever raped. After all, I had no memories of anyone sticking his penis into any openings in my body. But now I am wondering if other things that happened may also be considered rape.

I have very clear memories that soon after mom remarried and we moved to the step-dad’s house, he gave me a series of enemas. That was always as far as I went in mentioning or commenting about it – no description, no details. But for some reason, I recently started to think about it more closely. I remember being upset by being stripped and being turned face down and my bottom being probed. He didn’t explain what he was doing or why. He seemed angry and mean and rough – as though he was punishing me. I know I was crying and struggling and resisting. He had a difficult time keeping me still and a hard time inserting the tube. I remember it hurt. I remember being filled up with cold water and feeling like I needed to throw up. I was angry and humiliated and felt crushed. And I also remember a hairbrush with a plastic handle that was tapered at the end and bulged out in the middle and then tapered again to the bristles. And I thik that maybe that was used as well.

I don’t know – was that like a rape or not? I know it is not as bad as an adult organ being shoved in – but I just don’t know how to think about it.

I’m sorry,
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#449103 - 10/03/13 11:48 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Oh Lee, why are you sorry! You were violated against your will and that sounds like rape to me. I'm sorry that stuff happened and that these memories are now coming into focus for what they really are. I hope that these realizations are happening now because you have the strength to deal with them.

((((((((LEE))))))))
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#449109 - 10/04/13 12:16 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
There's no doubt in my mind, not for a second. Someone using a tool to violate you rather than their body to violate you... still violates you. A hairbrush?!?! You're not crazy.

It's still the story of someone in power dominating and doing what they want to you to get what they want out of it.

I'm so very very sorry you have gone through that!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449117 - 10/04/13 02:26 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Sorry to hear you are recalling that. And that it is causing pain too.

As others said, that sounds like a crime.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449120 - 10/04/13 03:14 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Rape with an object is still rape. Don't allow your brain to minimize this. In most states object rape is a felony.
_________________________
"There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief."
Jimi Hendrix

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#449128 - 10/04/13 05:55 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 141
Loc: Southeast US
Rape is rape no matter how you're violated. I know very well the type of brush you described, and it can be a tough painful weapon. No matter what bodily opening.

On a positive note, as if there could be anything positive about rape. I appreciate your posting this, because I've also begun to have faint memories that maybe there's more to my abuse than I recall. Maybe I'm not losing it after all.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#449156 - 10/04/13 09:56 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1892
Loc: durham, north england
I remember one morning when i was 19, actually a saturday mornning. I go into the bathroom wearing trousers when everyone else is down stairs. I have no shirt on as i'm having a wash and getting changed. My mum comes up the stairs with some towels she wants to put in the cupboard in the bathroom. I shut the door, I tell my mum to stay out until i'm finished, but my mum was very insistant, she was carrying towels, she had no where to put them and anyway she was my mum, it was fine really.

She tried to come in and I absolutely flipped, heart racing, literally gasping for breath, I screamed at her to keep out! and slammed the door back, actually catching her a glancing blow.

she left quite quickly and went down stairs. running back to my bedroom I pulled on a T shirt and ran down to see if my mum was okay, feeling extremely guilty at how I'd behaved and at hitting her with the door. I appologised, and my mum replied quite casually "oh, it's okay, I know you were raped at that school"

Raped! it was like being hit with a sand bag.

*** trigger warning ***

i'd had my penis repeatedly squeezed, I'd been stripped in public, i'd been forcibly ejaculated, I'd had my own sperm slapped in my face, been forced to touch a girl's breasts, had my trousers pulled down and my buttocks repeatedly kicked, I'd had a used tampon stuffed in my mouth and down my trousers but not raped! never according to the legal deffinition.

In my mind I only ever thought of this as "bullying" and even that was a difficult concept to apply to myself. I had no word, no way to contextualise the experiences, after all we all know rape is something men do to women or to other men.

I now have come to regard my experiences as gang rape, since only that term really embodies the forceble, public humiliation and display of my own s/xual responses, and the use of my genitalia, the removal of boundaries etc.

No, I never had anything stuck in me, nor did I have anything touching my penis other than repeated and very painful at the time hand motions and the use of my own responses to humiliation, plus of course lots of physical violence and verbal insults on the side.

however, mild terms like "harrassment" just don't seem to cover the damage, the genophobia, the nightmares etc. When I first got to this site I had real difficulty believing my experiences were anything like other people's, after all no, I'd never had the full act perpetrated on me. However, now I've come to realize it's the psychological, not the physical violation that makes the difference, effectively "rape" is a thing done as much to a person's self and integrity through the medium of the body, as it is a purely physical injury.

After all, there are plenty of medical procedures from giving blood to having an ear examination that involve foreign objects in the body, and yet when these are carried out by a medical professional for a person's own bennifit in a spirit of altruism, (or at least of working towards a mutual goal), we see them as fine. Heck, I give myself eye drops every night and morning.

Of course this isn't to minimize anyone who experienced the more traditional form of abuse, such acts are! disgusting, no question about it, and should be regarded as such, however I do wonder if, like so many other things, our social deffinition of this is wide enough to be really helpful. This is in particular considdering the fact that our traditional deffinition of Rape comes from a language and culture which for hundreds of years doesn't! believe men could be victims, ---- heck I imagine if you went back to the year 1913, people would have a hard time believing that a man could be the victim of rape at all.

Luke.

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#449157 - 10/04/13 10:34 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York

This is a horrible experience, part and parcel of how your stepdad would keep racking his brain for ways to torture you. He did it to hurt you. Why wouldn't it be as bad? The hairbrush handle might have been longer than some penises - and certainly more rigid.

((((Lee))))
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449184 - 10/04/13 05:12 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
you don't have to apologize.

I have seen some definitions of rape include foreign objects. it was an aspect of the rape i went through. I have also seen definitions that say it is forced sexual intercourse. either way it is abuse and it shouldn't have happened to you frown
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#449223 - 10/04/13 10:38 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
I thank you all for your replies. It helped me straighten out my thinking and admit something that I think I felt down deep – but hadn’t been able to face before.

This has been a rough day. I have felt sick – like my insides turned to jelly - and have had the runs all day. It was as if my body as well as my emotions were re-experiencing some of the same feelings as happened back then. It was physically draining and I felt like I was in slow motion and seeing everything through a filter or was distanced from reality in some way. It was similar to when I first started realizing that I had been abused. Maybe in shock? It was weird because I thought I was past that kind of more severe reaction. But then again I thought I had already retrieved all the memories – but here were more layers to the onion. Maybe my mind or subconscious was saving the worst for last? Like someone suggested – until I was able to handle it? And why was this the worst event? I guess there was physical pain - but there was pain during the beatings, too. But this combined the pain and the sexual abuse. And I think the fact that there was penetration made it more of a violation than other acts.

Anyway – I am OK. I was able to stay present for most of the time today and to keep on functioning – though at a lower level than usual. I am taking it a little easier this afternoon and evening. and I feel like I need to tell my wife about this latest development – but I don’t know how I can do it. It is much more humiliating to talk about this. There is huge internal resistance. But I have told her – no more secrets. I just don’t know how soon that will be. I think I have to become more “comfortable” with the idea (what a bizarre and abnormal concept!) before I can talk about it.
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#449267 - 10/05/13 09:24 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Lee,

You are so strong and brave. Thank you for that and I'm glad you are doing better.

[ And why was this the worst event? I guess there was physical pain - but there was pain during the beatings, too. But this combined the pain and the sexual abuse. And I think the fact that there was penetration made it more of a violation than other acts. ]

In my own story I am coming to terms with the amount of shame of penetrating myself with objects FOR my abuser. I put that stuff in my story because I knew I was deeply ashamed about it. I really didn't have a clue how ashamed I was till these last couple of days. I agree that there is something about it being inside you that makes it worse and much harder to talk about.

Your wife obviously loves you so I bet she will be very supportive, but I know it won't be easy. That means it will probably be healing though.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#449417 - 10/07/13 12:00 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Thanks, Rich. As you know, it helps so much to hear that someone else gets it.

The thoughts that are helping me right now :

Its kind of like getting a diagnosis of a mysterious ailment. It may be bad news - but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and have a better idea how to proceed.

It may change my thinking and feelings - but it does not change who I am. It is in the past and whatever effect it had - there is no new damage that can occur at this time.

Knowing this does not make me worse or weaker or more damaged. If anything, it means that I was stronger and more resilient and more resourceful to have survived even more than what I had originally realized.

It is all part of my story and I become more complete and whole by accepting it as what is real and what I cannot change.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#450776 - 10/21/13 09:48 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
NO MORE MINIMIZING!

I went to The WoR this past weekend at Hope Springs in Ohio. What a life-changing experience! I think most of us went in terrified and trembling. But the atmosphere created was so safe and accepting and protective and growth–inspiring and nurturing that within a couple hours most of us were relaxing, opening up and willing if not eager to become more transparent and vulnerable – to be seen, heard, understood and validated. By the time we left, many of us did not want to say goodbye. Acceptance and brotherhood and solidarity and mutual esteem and belonging feels so great! It was truly transformational for me. I can’t say enough to praise the process, the facilitators, my fellow participants, the facilities and the results.

One of the biggest take-aways I got was learning not to minimize. One of the facilitators in my small group gently but firmly challenged us to stop downplaying “what happened to me” as a boy. First we all had to learn not to say that – but to use the words that expressed the truth of the situations and acts. And then I needed to stop using “weasel words” that skirted around the issues or qualified or rationalized or minimized or left room for doubt or dismissal. It was hard – but liberating and empowering to say it - in all the ugly, loathsome, unvarnished, raw reality.





TRIGGERS AHEAD!







An “AHA!” moment:
I was very calmly and objectively and typically self-deprecatingly talking about how the step-dad’s use of the hairbrush handle and enema tube to penetrate me was “almost like a rape” – and my facilitator called me on that – and I tried to rationalize and explain it away – and heard myself say – “it wasn’t like a *normal* rape.” And the significance of that phrase – the inappropriateness of using that adjective with that noun – absolutely shocked me and electrified me and jolted me out of the self-induced numbness that I have had all these years. For the first time in my life I was able to connect with and express ANGER about what HE DID TO ME! this may seem like more of a DUH! moment to some of you who have lived with long-term anger as a constant in your lives – but to me it was earth –shaking and new and a revelation. Suddenly I shouted – “FUCK! THERE IS NOTHING *NORMAL* ABOUT ANY OF IT! IT IS ALL PERVERTED AND WRONG!” I didn’t need to continue a lengthy rant or get into physical demonstrations or expressions of the anger. It was like once I owned that truth – I could accept the truth that all my feelings and the effects I have suffered are justified and not the result of my own weakness.

So – here is a list of affirmations – not the typical nice, positive, encouraging ones that you usually hear – but what I need to know and believe:

What the step-dad did to me was brutal and angry RAPE with foreign objects and it was INCEST.

The experience at scout camp at the hands of older and bigger boys was not initiation or hazing or a circle jerk or mutual masturbation - but forcible ABDUCTION, and GANG RAPE using their hands on me, instead of asses or vaginas.

The teasing and ridicule by classmates in the school locker room was systematic and daily and intentional arousal, voyeurism, humiliation and TORTURE.

The “fondling” by a sales clerk in a menswear shop changing room when I was in my teens was actually MOLESTATION and OBJECTIFICATION and DEHUMANIZATION that recreated and triggered all the abuses that had gone before and did just as much damage because of my already fragile condition.







END TRIGGERS





Strangely – I feel so much stronger and healthier and more whole after getting that out. I would have expected it to have had the opposite effect.

It wasn’t just those statements – but the entire weekend that made a profound effect upon how I view myself and others and how I will conduct myself from now on both internally and externally.

By the way – during the WoR there were also moments of enjoying good food, the beauty of nature, music, relaxation, playfulness, joy, jokes, exhilaration, cameraderie, quiet contemplation and lots of “ME TOO!” epiphanies. it was all good.

LEE


Edited by traveler (10/21/13 11:03 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#450798 - 10/21/13 11:41 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1892
Loc: durham, north england
Wow Lee this is so good to hear, I love that "weasel words" phrase, it covers so much people say.

I'm glad you have a concept for what happened to you which actually matches the traumer.

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#450804 - 10/21/13 12:22 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
thanks, Luke.

some of it - the scouts and school stuff - sounds like what was done to you - but for me it was all done by males. but i think the experiences were similar enough for me to really value your comment as coming from someone who truly gets it.

"I'm glad you have a concept for what happened to you which actually matches the traumer"

that is a big part of it. now i can think and feel that i DESERVE to think and feel the way i always have - and now i can work on rejecting those thoughts and feelings of unjustified suffering rather than just trying to deny or hide or repress them. the cause and effect finally match up and are appropriate.

here's to stamping out "weasels"!!! KILL the little insidious buggers!

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#450806 - 10/21/13 12:30 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee

This is really valuable stuff you have written about. This is something I'm guilty of myself, minimizing what happened. It took guts for you to write about your weekend and your experiences of abuse. Thank you. I hope it helps your healing. It is helpful to other survivors to read it. Congrats

Dave

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#450816 - 10/21/13 01:56 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 554
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
hi lee. the "weasel words" and minimizing is timely for me to hear now. i'm just now putting the pieces together about early abuse from my mother. i began remembering the abuse from my father 11 years ago and began remembering my mothers abuse 5 months ago. my father raped me more than once. i don't know how many times. my mother systematically tortured me into submission as a sexual toy for her. your minimizing and "weasel words" comment has helped me to put some words to my feelings. If my father was a psychotic bull, my mother was a professional assassin. It's the first time i have been able to start putting appropriate words to what they did to me. thank you. don

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#451015 - 10/22/13 08:58 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Dave & don -

keep at it. you will be glad you did. the payoff is definitely worth it!

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#451055 - 10/23/13 07:10 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1892
Loc: durham, north england
Your talk about weasels reminds me of a wonderful scene from the game of thrones books, in which a very stern and quite loud military commander sees one of his aides, ---- a fairly shy young man, standing with his mouth open obviously wanting to speak but to afraid to.

"My mother told me that if I stood with my mouth open a weasel was likely to mistake it for his hole and scurry in! so if you have something to say say it, ---- otherwise, beware of weasels!" laugh.

I do suspect our experiences were in some way similar, though with me boys were principly involved in the violence and exposure end of things while girls did the s/xual himailiation, and one of the interesting facts about mine is that though it went on at school with increasing frequency for close to three years between the ages of 12 and 15 (though the tampon incident happened when i was 15), I could never!tell anyone. There was an insane paradox about the experience. At one and the same time I felt completely and utterly alone with it, at the other I was certain it was all perfectly normal, that my brother (who went to a different and far better school), had exactly the same things done to him.

Even when i was 15 and some of the violence and insults came out due more to my using any excuse possible to skip school and having my mum pretty much force the truth out of me, (two months before I left), and my parents nearly pulled me out of school, the s/xual stuff was still something I didn't talk about or even think about particularly.

The thing that still bothers me is if I were female, either someone would've stopped it, ---- since even in that particular group and ethos there were things that were too extreme to do to girls, if just because they'd get the perpetrators jailed. Even if not, I'd have had all the cultural bounderies and sense of physical protection on my side to be able to admit it more easily than I actually did, after all girls in our society are still taught! that they are owed protection from bad touch, s/xual harrassment etc.

Heck, this was even used against me during my abuse, since when, (at the age of 13), I punched a girl in the chest (given her position at the time it was the easiest thing to reach), she told a teacher and I got a very stern talking to about "not touching girls there even by accident" (I said it was an accident).

Of course I do know there are plenty of women who are intimidated, confused or terrified into silence about sa, which is quite another matter entirely.

It's thinking about these sorts of concerns and just how wrong the language we use is that actually makes me want to write about my own abuse and the experience in a very public, serious and absolutely academic way, after all I'm a qualified ethicist and it's a major part of the tradition of ethics to redefine the language we use to think about ourselves, (I've just finished a thesis redefining disability).

The problem is I'm simply afraid to try, since I dread to think how terrible some of the stuff I'd have to read for the researching of such a paper, much less a book would be, both in terms of just making me furiously and absolutely angry (I remember how my so called introductory lecture on the ethics of s/xuality was), and because quite frankly with my genophobia such things would be painful to read when considdering my own experience.

Maybe I'll have the courage to do it in the future, I hope so because it does need doing and as with my deffinition of disability it's something I am circumstantially in a position to be able to do where many other people aren't.

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#451072 - 10/23/13 09:30 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Bretty Offline


Registered: 10/12/13
Posts: 1
Loc: Australia
Hello. I'm a survivor of a decade of sibling sexual and other abuse. Or in other words, repeated and prolonged encounters of human rights abuse, violations to my integrity, rape, indecent assault and so on.

Criminal law is equivalent to a public law - a crime so serious that society (via the police) should intervene to prevent it from happening. E.g. Rape, indecent (sexual) assault, physical assault, emotional abuse (harassment and bullying).

These are far from trivial, they are very serious. What you men are talking about is someone committing an 'act' and 'crime' against your "INALIENABLE HUMAN RIGHTS". It makes me feel like crying when I read those words 'inalienable human rights' because to people like us they seem ridiculous based on our experiences.

Your step-dad penetrating you with a hair brush is the crime of 'rape' and indecent assault with an object, someone touching your genitals against your will is 'indecent assault' even if for a moment. What you men have experienced is at the serious end of crims and human rights violations and abuses.

Some other lawful things you might like to consider:
'Law of Torts' (private 'unlawful' wrongs - as opposed to public 'unlawful' wrongs (crimes)). Any person can take legal action (sue) another person for tortious (wrongful) conduct per below:
1) Tort of Assault - someone physically threatening another person, causing them to believe imminent contact will occur; even if it doesn't occur. Includes someone making threats of violence, motioning that they are going to hit you or even just telling you they will hit you and you believe it. Punishable by damages (money)! This is unlawful!
2) Tort of Battery - someone physically touching you (the slightest unwelcome purposeful touch will do) against your will. Includes unwelcome touching anywhere on your body, includes punching, touching with objects and so on. Punishable by damages! This is unlawful!
3) Tort of False Imprisonment - someone physically restraining you to a geographical location or holding you against your will. Includes stopping you from being able to escape from a room, car or other area or physically pinning you or physically restraining you. Punishable by damages! This is unlawful!

Most countries also have some form of human rights laws and are members of the United Nations Human Rights treaties.

There are so many laws that people have broken when they abused us its abhorrent. Some are classed as crimes and some as wrongs, but all are absolutely unlawful. So in my opinion these things that occurred to you and me are terrible, absolute violations of our human rights, they attacked our most basic and personal dignity, violated our inherent integrity, interrupted our right to be happy, overpowered us, manipulated us and made us feel and think we were less than even them (them being abusers).

I'm outraged at the stories I continually hear, here. How dare they!

You are much more, we are so very much more. Believe in your inherent self worth you great and wonderful human beings. The violations done to you are a big deal, and they have caused us many struggles as a result. If you find yourself downplaying that, think of the words 'inalienable human rights'.

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#451169 - 10/24/13 08:46 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Bretty:

For years I think I walked around thinking that I had done something to lose that "right". Some fault of mine, committed years ago. Somewhere I had said something as a boy to give someone the idea that it was okay to mess with me.

Lately I've been searching for it. "What the hell was it?", a voice has been asking. The more I take that voice as my own, the more I feel like a human being, a grown man.

Yet, like the soldier in game of thrones, I find myself with mouth gaping and no words. I wonder if that is when I am trying to answer the question or simply trying to breathe.

It's so hard to feel empowered when the memories keep flooding my space. Thanks for the reminder that it is not me who made life so hard.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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