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#449098 - 10/03/13 11:08 PM was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS?
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I am not sure how to approach this. I do not want to appear to trivialize anyone else’s experience by comparing it to my own. I do not want to offend or hurt anyone. So here is a disclaimer and an apology in advance.

I think it may be TRIGGERING for some.

I have always felt quite certain that though I experienced numerous other kinds of abuse – verbal, physical, as well as a variety of sexual abuses, I would always deny that I was ever raped. After all, I had no memories of anyone sticking his penis into any openings in my body. But now I am wondering if other things that happened may also be considered rape.

I have very clear memories that soon after mom remarried and we moved to the step-dad’s house, he gave me a series of enemas. That was always as far as I went in mentioning or commenting about it – no description, no details. But for some reason, I recently started to think about it more closely. I remember being upset by being stripped and being turned face down and my bottom being probed. He didn’t explain what he was doing or why. He seemed angry and mean and rough – as though he was punishing me. I know I was crying and struggling and resisting. He had a difficult time keeping me still and a hard time inserting the tube. I remember it hurt. I remember being filled up with cold water and feeling like I needed to throw up. I was angry and humiliated and felt crushed. And I also remember a hairbrush with a plastic handle that was tapered at the end and bulged out in the middle and then tapered again to the bristles. And I thik that maybe that was used as well.

I don’t know – was that like a rape or not? I know it is not as bad as an adult organ being shoved in – but I just don’t know how to think about it.

I’m sorry,
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449103 - 10/03/13 11:48 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Oh Lee, why are you sorry! You were violated against your will and that sounds like rape to me. I'm sorry that stuff happened and that these memories are now coming into focus for what they really are. I hope that these realizations are happening now because you have the strength to deal with them.

((((((((LEE))))))))
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#449109 - 10/04/13 12:16 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
There's no doubt in my mind, not for a second. Someone using a tool to violate you rather than their body to violate you... still violates you. A hairbrush?!?! You're not crazy.

It's still the story of someone in power dominating and doing what they want to you to get what they want out of it.

I'm so very very sorry you have gone through that!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449117 - 10/04/13 02:26 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Sorry to hear you are recalling that. And that it is causing pain too.

As others said, that sounds like a crime.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449120 - 10/04/13 03:14 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Rape with an object is still rape. Don't allow your brain to minimize this. In most states object rape is a felony.
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#449128 - 10/04/13 05:55 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 246
Loc: Southeast US
Rape is rape no matter how you're violated. I know very well the type of brush you described, and it can be a tough painful weapon. No matter what bodily opening.

On a positive note, as if there could be anything positive about rape. I appreciate your posting this, because I've also begun to have faint memories that maybe there's more to my abuse than I recall. Maybe I'm not losing it after all.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#449156 - 10/04/13 09:56 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I remember one morning when i was 19, actually a saturday mornning. I go into the bathroom wearing trousers when everyone else is down stairs. I have no shirt on as i'm having a wash and getting changed. My mum comes up the stairs with some towels she wants to put in the cupboard in the bathroom. I shut the door, I tell my mum to stay out until i'm finished, but my mum was very insistant, she was carrying towels, she had no where to put them and anyway she was my mum, it was fine really.

She tried to come in and I absolutely flipped, heart racing, literally gasping for breath, I screamed at her to keep out! and slammed the door back, actually catching her a glancing blow.

she left quite quickly and went down stairs. running back to my bedroom I pulled on a T shirt and ran down to see if my mum was okay, feeling extremely guilty at how I'd behaved and at hitting her with the door. I appologised, and my mum replied quite casually "oh, it's okay, I know you were raped at that school"

Raped! it was like being hit with a sand bag.

*** trigger warning ***

i'd had my penis repeatedly squeezed, I'd been stripped in public, i'd been forcibly ejaculated, I'd had my own sperm slapped in my face, been forced to touch a girl's breasts, had my trousers pulled down and my buttocks repeatedly kicked, I'd had a used tampon stuffed in my mouth and down my trousers but not raped! never according to the legal deffinition.

In my mind I only ever thought of this as "bullying" and even that was a difficult concept to apply to myself. I had no word, no way to contextualise the experiences, after all we all know rape is something men do to women or to other men.

I now have come to regard my experiences as gang rape, since only that term really embodies the forceble, public humiliation and display of my own s/xual responses, and the use of my genitalia, the removal of boundaries etc.

No, I never had anything stuck in me, nor did I have anything touching my penis other than repeated and very painful at the time hand motions and the use of my own responses to humiliation, plus of course lots of physical violence and verbal insults on the side.

however, mild terms like "harrassment" just don't seem to cover the damage, the genophobia, the nightmares etc. When I first got to this site I had real difficulty believing my experiences were anything like other people's, after all no, I'd never had the full act perpetrated on me. However, now I've come to realize it's the psychological, not the physical violation that makes the difference, effectively "rape" is a thing done as much to a person's self and integrity through the medium of the body, as it is a purely physical injury.

After all, there are plenty of medical procedures from giving blood to having an ear examination that involve foreign objects in the body, and yet when these are carried out by a medical professional for a person's own bennifit in a spirit of altruism, (or at least of working towards a mutual goal), we see them as fine. Heck, I give myself eye drops every night and morning.

Of course this isn't to minimize anyone who experienced the more traditional form of abuse, such acts are! disgusting, no question about it, and should be regarded as such, however I do wonder if, like so many other things, our social deffinition of this is wide enough to be really helpful. This is in particular considdering the fact that our traditional deffinition of Rape comes from a language and culture which for hundreds of years doesn't! believe men could be victims, ---- heck I imagine if you went back to the year 1913, people would have a hard time believing that a man could be the victim of rape at all.

Luke.

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#449157 - 10/04/13 10:34 AM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York

This is a horrible experience, part and parcel of how your stepdad would keep racking his brain for ways to torture you. He did it to hurt you. Why wouldn't it be as bad? The hairbrush handle might have been longer than some penises - and certainly more rigid.

((((Lee))))
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#449184 - 10/04/13 05:12 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
you don't have to apologize.

I have seen some definitions of rape include foreign objects. it was an aspect of the rape i went through. I have also seen definitions that say it is forced sexual intercourse. either way it is abuse and it shouldn't have happened to you frown
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#449223 - 10/04/13 10:38 PM Re: was it r- - - or not? TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I thank you all for your replies. It helped me straighten out my thinking and admit something that I think I felt down deep – but hadn’t been able to face before.

This has been a rough day. I have felt sick – like my insides turned to jelly - and have had the runs all day. It was as if my body as well as my emotions were re-experiencing some of the same feelings as happened back then. It was physically draining and I felt like I was in slow motion and seeing everything through a filter or was distanced from reality in some way. It was similar to when I first started realizing that I had been abused. Maybe in shock? It was weird because I thought I was past that kind of more severe reaction. But then again I thought I had already retrieved all the memories – but here were more layers to the onion. Maybe my mind or subconscious was saving the worst for last? Like someone suggested – until I was able to handle it? And why was this the worst event? I guess there was physical pain - but there was pain during the beatings, too. But this combined the pain and the sexual abuse. And I think the fact that there was penetration made it more of a violation than other acts.

Anyway – I am OK. I was able to stay present for most of the time today and to keep on functioning – though at a lower level than usual. I am taking it a little easier this afternoon and evening. and I feel like I need to tell my wife about this latest development – but I don’t know how I can do it. It is much more humiliating to talk about this. There is huge internal resistance. But I have told her – no more secrets. I just don’t know how soon that will be. I think I have to become more “comfortable” with the idea (what a bizarre and abnormal concept!) before I can talk about it.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
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