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#449070 - 10/03/13 04:52 PM Standing on my own two feet
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hello my fraternal brothers,

Part of me feels the desire to apologize for not posting for a while. Another part of me says I have no obligation to post. My only obligation is to my recovery.

For anyone wondering about my heart health, it seems fine. It was likely a digestive issue that went away by itself after 4 days.

Wanted to drop a line to say that I feel like I'm finally walking down a path that is heading in a direction I know will liberate me from my past. I've finally found the path, and I finally KNOW it is the right path. The universe is giving me the feedback I have long been looking for.

My encounters with people are becoming easier with ever increasing potential for joy and discovery and delight. Fear and anxiety are slipping away. I still have some anger with my negligent mother for putting me through hell (partly what I've spent most of my life trying to recover from), while coming to terms with the idea that she "did the best she could". I have a hard time with this still.

But I'm finding that I am beginning to trust my own instincts, and thus, know what behavior or tactic to take. I'm starting to be able to trust my own feelings; and starting to learn when and how to honor my own feelings, honor myself, and behave with respect towards others regardless of their intent.

I'm finding that I am not the helpless victim I grew up believing that I was. And I'm finding that I can resolve my own emotional torrents when they occur without having to scream out, hoping for someone to hear me (and rescue me). I now know that I am in (and have been) in the process of rescuing myself. I should be proud of my abilities to survive with all those odds stacked against me.

So much of my life has been enslaved to fear and anxiety of other people, of life. So much of my life lost to anger and frustration. I feel like my addressing CSA with all of you here has opened the flood gates to the rest of my recovery, and now I am starting to reap what I've been sowing for all these years.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm glad I stuck it out. I'm glad I kept working and slogging through it, even though there were many MANY times I was exasperated and on the verge of giving up. Many of you have supported me in PM and on the forum here, and I appreciate the comradery of understanding we have here. It gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in trying to wrestle the demons that I inherited from my family lineage.

Much love;

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#449072 - 10/03/13 05:04 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
That is great news. Positive in so many areas. I am genuinely happy for you.

Freedom!!!!!
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449084 - 10/03/13 10:03 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
Those demons are not yours ! Throw those fuckers out!

I am happy for you !!

KEEP LIVING!

KEEP DEFYING THE ODDS!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#449090 - 10/03/13 10:32 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
hey, D!

good to "see" you so positive and upbeat.
sounds like you are in a really good place.
glad you felt the freedom from obligation - in order to do what was best for you. that is healthy.
feel free to share as much as you want to.
or not!

thanks for the good news,
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#449122 - 10/04/13 03:42 AM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1483
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Magellan
....Part of me feels the desire to apologize for not posting for a while. Another part of me says I have no obligation to post. ...I'm finally walking down a path that is heading in a direction I know will liberate me from my past. ...The universe is giving me the feedback I have long been looking for.
Hey Magellen,

No apologies needed. You have had a long difficult road, and worked hard to get where you are now. No doubt your new path will have some bumps and ruts, but I have no doubt you will sail past them with no difficulty. I have always believed in you D. Everything you need has always been within reach, and now you have the courage to grab it and run. YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#449124 - 10/04/13 04:08 AM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for the update! I hope that things continue to improve as your road reaches your goal!!!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449155 - 10/04/13 09:25 AM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1936
Loc: durham, north england
Hi D this is great!
This is fantastic that your in such a good place, particularly since I remember how dark some of the places you've been through have been. As you know you and I do have some comonalities, so this is even better news for me.

I particularly admire the way you say "yeah, there is still anger and I still feel this, but I'm okay with that!" that if there is a pure statement of what recovery means that's it.

You have no obligation to post, indeed I've had plenty of comings and goings myself, but it's great to hear from you when you do wherever you might be.

Luke.

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#450790 - 10/21/13 10:36 AM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks for your feedback, guys smile

I am also surprised, sometimes, by what I write. It does appear that I've been learning to ACCEPT. My life, who I am, who I was, what happened, how I feel. Accept that sometimes I'll feel like crap. Accept that I have power to change. Accept that the past is the past. Accept that I have to learn to move on.

I wish recovery was faster. I really really wish so. Part of me is quite angry still that I had to endure all this shit. That same part of me wonders why it has to take so much damn time to get anywhere in recovery. I've been working at this for over 30 years, and only in this past year am I feeling like I finally am getting somewhere in my recovery. And I can finally envision a positive outcome. It's exciting to see it, but it still feels so far off.

But there's a couple more hurdles I have to jump. And they're immediately in front of me, blocking my path forward.

Sigh.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#450847 - 10/21/13 05:21 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
D,

That's really nice to read. May you continue to leap hurdles and rebound on the other side of each of them.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#450854 - 10/21/13 05:48 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
Beautiful words my friend, proud of you!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#450864 - 10/21/13 06:23 PM Re: Standing on my own two feet [Re: Magellan]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 174
Loc: Southeast US
Great News Magellan !!

Acceptance of who we are and where we are in life is vital, and you've reached that important plateau.

There's the old cliche, "Life's not a sprint, it's a marathon." And in looks like the finish line is within sight. Good luck with those hurdles.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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