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#449213 - 10/04/13 09:49 PM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 686
Loc: NJ
Impediment to intimacy.... I really like that way of looking at it.

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#449241 - 10/05/13 02:25 AM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I've written and re-written this pretty much every day since I originally posted and I still can't get it right, there are people here with great skill in the use of words and explaining their feelings, I'm not so good but will try, but all of you kind people have taken the trouble to post and I'd like to post back to you all.

Sugerbaby

Quote:
and much more importantly I wanted them to know that they CAN TELL if they ever had a similar issue. The lessons they can carry on to their children are many


This is something that I hadn't thought of before, thank you.

Esposa

Quote:
If the following sounds judgemental, I apologize up front.


No need to apologise, your post hit the nail on the head, although I feel that I have started this journey of healing it all falls apart where my kids are concerned, I can and am dealing with the results of the CSA, the dissociation, heck I'm even getting to know the little boy I locked up inside my head, but itís all been in isolation inside my own mind. It was a tough day when I finally told my wife and she's been fantastic but my relationship with my kids is somehow different, quite frankly I'd kill to protect them, walk under a bus if needed, and I guess that because of that I feel that I have to be strong, a protector, I am scared that they will see me differently, less of a Father and less of a man.

Crux - youíre a stronger person than I'll ever be

Dark empathy, if I tell then I feel that I owe it to my kids to be frank about how I feel, my mental problems, my dissociation. I've tried to bring them up to be honest and to never be afraid to say what they feel and believe, there's a saying "Don't do what I do, do what I say"

Adam - With my start on this journey of healing I too have found a compulsion to shout it out.

Quote:
I see this secret as an impediment to intimacy


It has been that for pretty much most of my life since it happened

Thank you all for your comments, and kind words of advice and support, I can honestly say it has helped me so much.


Edited by tbkkfile (10/05/13 02:28 AM)
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449263 - 10/05/13 08:51 AM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
As a teen, I remember my mom telling me about her rape. I think it was important for me to know as I was there when it happened. I was 2. I had been plagued by nightmares, a recurring one, my whole life. It all makes sense now. I was also plagued by feelings of never being safe. it all makes sense now.

Unfortunately, it was at the hands of my father in that he hired someone to rape her because she had kicked him out. At least that is what the cops thought. Of course it was never proven.

I am glad she told me though I really didn't want to know that that kind of stuff happens and that my father could have been that kind of person. But he was and it is the truth and not knowing that it can happen doesn't keep it from happening.

My mther really had a f(*ked up childhood. Knowing that doesn't change how I view her except that I view her as being a very strong woman and I understand her more.

I think it is important to tell kids these things in the context of "Daddy had something bad happen to him. When daddy is distant, it isn't about you or his love for you, it is because of what happened to him." Kids personalize everything. Hell, grown ups personalize things which is why it is important to tell something to people if your actions or lack thereof affect them. Details, in my opinion, do not need to be disclosed except to wife and therapist and recovery friends. Details must be released into the universe to be healed, in my opinion but not to everyone.

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#449319 - 10/06/13 02:48 AM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
After spending the whole of yesterday talking with my wife I finally filled her in on all of the gaps about what happened, she knew some but not all, and between myself and my wife we have decided to tell the kids about what happened to their Father.

Thank you all for your support, advice, and wisdom it really has helped me to reach this decision.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449321 - 10/06/13 02:57 AM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
i totally support your decision.

it will take some courage and hope.

i will send you all i can.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#449382 - 10/07/13 12:39 AM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Thank you Victor-Victim, its been an emotionally exhausting weekend, but a good one.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449692 - 10/09/13 06:43 PM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
please keep us updated as it unfolds..
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#449765 - 10/10/13 12:33 PM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Will do Victor and thanks for the messages of support. Deep breath, we've taken the decision to tell them, but the doing is hard, its not the sort of thing that crops up over dinner, "How was your day" "Pretty good thanks, and you", but we will get there and then there will be no more secrets, no more places for it to hide in, I can move forward.....
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449776 - 10/10/13 03:16 PM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
i am just worried about the impact.
even if you do the right thing,
which i believe you are,
other people's reactions are beyond your control.
i really hope it turns out as best as possible (notwithstanding the unpleasant subject matter).

then i am worried about your regrets and guilt for disclosing,
if there is a negative blowback.

i am sure you have talked it out and thought it through,
but i am still worried.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#449814 - 10/10/13 11:37 PM Re: Do you tell those who are close [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Thanks Victor for caring its appreciated and your concerns are absolutely correct and right, its something that we both discussed at length.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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