I think this is the first time I had a dream like this. I don't know what it means, but I know a lot of emotions came out that I often felt when I was abused. So here it is.
It began with me and my abuser in bed. He was coming on to me but I couldn't stop him. But even worse, I couldn't resist. He wasn't forceful, but I still couldn't resist. We took off our clothes and it was morning. My dad came in and caught us and he was furious. How could I explain to him after everything I told him that I was abused, yet I still let him use me? My world was gone, I knew nobody would ever understand, and I wanted to die. I started breaking everything around me, pictures, glasses, tablewear, throwing everything, breaking everything, because that's how I felt, broken. I was in a rage, I knew I couldn't live, I just could not after my parents saw this. I turned to Curtis, my abuser and I was enraged with him. I started beating him up viciously. We had a fireplace in our living room and I pushed him into it and turned it on (it was gas operated and turned on with the flick of a switch). After realising I was about to kill him, in a very inhumane way, I turned it off after a couple seconds. He got out, but I still beat him. I couldn't kill him, but I could beat him. It's the first time I stuck up for myself and directed my anger towards who it should be directed at. But the despair and shame and guilt was so immense I wanted to destroy everything and destroy myself. I wanted everyone to hate me, so they wouldn't care when I was dead. It was the way I knew I'd feel if I was ever caught with my cousin. If anyone ever saw me being abused, they'd never understand me. I was a freak. In that moment, I hated everything and everyone.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein