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#449020 - 10/02/13 08:49 PM A dream.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I think this is the first time I had a dream like this. I don't know what it means, but I know a lot of emotions came out that I often felt when I was abused. So here it is.

It began with me and my abuser in bed. He was coming on to me but I couldn't stop him. But even worse, I couldn't resist. He wasn't forceful, but I still couldn't resist. We took off our clothes and it was morning. My dad came in and caught us and he was furious. How could I explain to him after everything I told him that I was abused, yet I still let him use me? My world was gone, I knew nobody would ever understand, and I wanted to die. I started breaking everything around me, pictures, glasses, tablewear, throwing everything, breaking everything, because that's how I felt, broken. I was in a rage, I knew I couldn't live, I just could not after my parents saw this. I turned to Curtis, my abuser and I was enraged with him. I started beating him up viciously. We had a fireplace in our living room and I pushed him into it and turned it on (it was gas operated and turned on with the flick of a switch). After realising I was about to kill him, in a very inhumane way, I turned it off after a couple seconds. He got out, but I still beat him. I couldn't kill him, but I could beat him. It's the first time I stuck up for myself and directed my anger towards who it should be directed at. But the despair and shame and guilt was so immense I wanted to destroy everything and destroy myself. I wanted everyone to hate me, so they wouldn't care when I was dead. It was the way I knew I'd feel if I was ever caught with my cousin. If anyone ever saw me being abused, they'd never understand me. I was a freak. In that moment, I hated everything and everyone.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#449021 - 10/02/13 09:33 PM Re: A dream. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
I've always had bad dreams. Earlier this year, those dreams changed from dreams where I was being abused to dreams where I was screaming at the people who taught me to think that I deserved it (these new dreams still aren't any fun). It happened about the same time that I was letting myself feel anger and learn to say "no" to people in the waking world. Maybe the dreams are a sign you are more in touch with a part of yourself?


Edited by Jacob S (10/02/13 10:37 PM)
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#449023 - 10/02/13 09:46 PM Re: A dream. [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
CF - i think Jacob is correct - "Maybe the dreams are a sign you are more in touch with a part of yourself?"

it sounds to me like your unconscious and subconscious and conscious parts are all coming together here - and agreeing with one another. self-awareness, etc. it could be a good thing!

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449038 - 10/03/13 02:00 AM Re: A dream. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls

It began with me and my abuser in bed. He was coming on to me but I couldn't stop him. But even worse, I couldn't resist. He wasn't forceful, but I still couldn't resist. We took off our clothes and it was morning.

It was the way I knew I'd feel if I was ever caught with my cousin. If anyone ever saw me being abused, they'd never understand me. I was a freak. In that moment, I hated everything and everyone.


CloudyFalls,

You're not alone. I have nightmares about it sometimes, too. Often the nightmare part is not stopping, going along, reacting.

But you're wrong about something. If I'd seen, I would have understood. I'm pretty sure there are about a dozen other guys on the boards who would say the same thing. Been there, had that wound, totally understand.

You're not alone. You're not beyond understanding. You're not to blame.

Hang in there.

One encouraging way to think about this is that maybe your subconscious is starting to deal with it... encouraging that you were able to express so much anger at someone who hurt you so personally.

No fun. But hopeful. I'm hopeful for you! Hang in there!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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