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#448782 - 09/30/13 12:48 PM Told parents
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey guys,

I'm writing just to say that this spring I told my parents about what happened when I was a kid. It was both terrible and good.

I'm glad I told them. That was a weight off my back, to be sure.

They've had all sorts of reactions, all over the board, really. At one point, my dad said it wasn't the worst thing in the world, getting raped as a kid. That fucking hurt.

Another time he said he admired me for telling them, and he said it was brave and probably a very hard thing to do. It was.

My mom continually says people have different interpretations of events. This summer, I was sitting with my parents in the evening, talking late, and she said it again.

I asked her what she meant. She said how we had moved homes and all kinds of other stuff back in the early 1980s, and that maybe I had interpreted that confusion at that time as "abuse." I was floored.

I had prepared myself for the idea that these people wouldn't believe me, that I would be labeled an over-dramatic liar.

After all, I have told my share of lies, and I've been kind of explosive over the years. Hell, those seem to go hand in hand with a legacy of abuse. But fuck it. I didn't want to listen to that!

So I got a little graphic about what happened, and explained that the definition of what happened was "rape" and "sexual assault." It's really not about interpretation.

Anyway, I've been talking to them on and off since. Sometimes it hurts more than others.

By the way, I have also learned this year that my brother has a different dad. Yeah, right? That was a secret that was bursting to get out!

Apparently, my mom had a fling just before she and my dad got together, or back together, or whatever.

Anyway, they got married. My dad knew about the quirky beginnings of our family, blah blah.

But both my parents are freaky about it. They act like they're a couple criminals. It's the dumbest thing, really, because it's actually quite beautiful. My dad has always loved my brother, who I have always loved, too.

But knowing this helps me to understand the dynamics of my family, and it also helps me to understand how a family can exist (how I learned how to exist) with huge secrets.

Anyway, I never thought I'd be able to share my full personal history with my parents. And now I have. It's good to live without lies and without painful secrets.

It's worth knowing, too, for those of you who haven't shared your stories, that the sharing itself isn't going to be easy or good or even yield anything positive, except that you're not going to have to live with silence. Yet THAT is something very positive indeed.

For those of you who wrote about sharing your stories, or the reality, of your abuse with your closest family, thank you for writing about it here. Those stories have helped me tremendously.

As for myself, I'm one and off numb about it. Dissociation is just part of life for me. Always has been since the abuse, maybe before, as apparently it's something I learned from my mom, probably in utero.

Onward and upward, right?

I hope you all find peace and a way to enjoy it.

Bob

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#448791 - 09/30/13 01:31 PM Re: Told parents [Re: Robert1000]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1618
Bob

You showed strength and courage telling your parents. I am sorry for the hurtful comments but to be believed will help you.

Silence is the worse part. We have been conditioned not to tell by our abuser. To tell caused me conflict. Part of me attached to the abuser felt as though I was betraying him. Why but the silence reinforced these feelings. Telling was a major step in helping me to free myself from the abuser. I hope telling helps you move forward.

Like you dissociation and fugues were a part of life. Becoming worse when I began to face the abuse. But overtime, telling and sharing my story has helpef to connect me. I told the Diocese in which my parish was located and housed the priest was positivel overwhelming. Validation of what happened without denial was a major breakthrough. The dissociation and fugues are waning. I believe I am in control and not the abuser.

Validation is powerful and you received it from your family. No matter their quirks you should be thankful to have a family that accepted your abuser. Many don't have families that support but run and deny to protect their own weaknesses and issues.

Keep moving forward and I am proud of your growth and courage.

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#448799 - 09/30/13 02:34 PM Re: Told parents [Re: Robert1000]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Robert1000
At one point, my dad said it wasn't the worst thing in the world, getting raped as a kid. That fucking hurt.


I'm sure that truly did hurt. At times like that I have to try to realize that very few Normals or Civilians are equipped to handle such a delivery of brutal news. Some seem defensive. Others react in minimizing...few are trained and ready for their own child to tell them something like that.

Then WE can similarly say: "you should have noticed!"

Its tough, but nearly any INITIAL reaction is possible and painful. Its the on-going reactions and excuses that seem to make or break the on-going relationships and pains.

I applaud your bravery, and yes...in my opinion, getting raped IS the worst thing in the world as a kid.
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#448802 - 09/30/13 03:11 PM Re: Told parents [Re: Robert1000]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 324
Loc: Iowa, USA
Bob

Congratulations on telling your parents. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to reveal one of your deepest secrets to your family members. You are to be commended for that. Your life will change for the better for you now that you're not harboring such a secret. It is a necessary step in the healing process.

It's a shame that your parents were more concerned with how the news of your CSA affected them, rather than being focused on helping you. It reveals a lot about them. The shock of hearing that can be a lot to bear. It does sound like you have gotten a small bit of support, at least from your dad, over time. That can be a very positive thing.

Congratulations again on having the courage to speak the truth of your experience. Good luck to you in the future. You deserve a great life.

Dave

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#448805 - 09/30/13 04:22 PM Re: Told parents [Re: Robert1000]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 189
Loc: Southeast US
Bob,

Double congratulations and bravo to you.

I know it must have taken a special type of courage to tell your parents of the abuse. Because, until you do, the anxiety builds, you never know how this alarming news will affect them or what they may do to try to process it. But I do know carrying the burden of secrecy alone is tough. I never told my parents, but I've never regretted not doing so since they were both quite ill before their deaths, and when I finally got to the point I could deal with telling them, I just couldn't think of putting that added burden on them. I guess they did the best they knew how to raise me, I wondered sometime.

As a father now I could see how hearing "My child was raped" would shake me to my core and inner being. I think I deal better with my own CSA (which isn't that great), than I could if I knew one of my boys had been abused. Parents react differently to the news, and I'm sorry your parents didn't take the news in a way they probably should. But that's not to excuse them in any way.

There MAY be something worse for a kid than getting raped, but I can't think of it. I can emphasize with you there, I know it fucking hurt to hear a parent say something like that. I never heard those words, although I did hear some things that really hurt. And a mother shouldn't try to rationalize a horrific event so it will be easier to accept. But at least you were believed by your father and apparently you didn't hear, 'It was your own fault." So that's a little progress toward healing and recovery. Families are sometimes full of secrets, but that's one secret you no longer have to carry alone. Congratulations.

Not only congratulations for the courage to tell your parents, but also the courage to share this experience with strangers on the forum. Thank you, and Good Luck in your healing journey.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#448829 - 09/30/13 08:53 PM Re: Told parents [Re: Robert1000]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
Bob,
I can tell you it is extremely hard to tell a family member about abuse. I first told my younger sister (2yrs. younger) before telling other people. I then emailed my mother and older sister (2yrs older). The real hardest person was when i emailed my younger brother (7yrs younger) who I haven't spoken with for over 20 years. After I sent that email I broke down.

I went to the work the next day and co-workers looked t me and thought I was about to cry. I had to tell people what was bothering. Some people that they were sorry and others didn't have a response.

Bill61


Edited by Bill61 (09/30/13 08:54 PM)
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"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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