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#448751 - 09/30/13 04:02 AM babysitter
Torm Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 5
Loc: southern ca
I don't really know where to begin. Tonight I had something like a moment of clarity. I didn't just get a flash back or recover a memory. Rather I found some perspective.

When I was about 6 years old I had a sexual relationship with my teen aged babysitter. I haven't told but a few people in my life since then. I'm 38 now.

Until today I thought the experience positive. That seems crazy but I do remember enjoying what happened. I never forgot what happened and even though I never talked about what happened it was always very close to the surface.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, mostly I suffer from mixed states and depression. I don't have major manic states but I do get major depression. And at times I do become suicidal or at least have suicidal thoughts. I am in treatment.

Today I had the realization that what happened to me not only wasn't positive but has had lasting damage to my life. Without going in to details that I'm sure no one wants to hear. I noticed that what happened in someways is still happening. Also I found that in truth I feel both deep shame and guilt over it.

As an adult my sexuality mirrors what happened to me as a child. I pick women who are in someway like my,I'm not yet comfortable with the word abuser but that is the truth. Except for the things my partner wants to do I'm stuck on only what sorts things that I did with my babysitter. Not deviant so much as limited I just don't enjoy sex beyond those things.

Also I don't have an easy time finding partners. Its not that women aren't interested. Its that I either make myself blind to overtures or make excuses for why it won't work. Women need to more or less push them selves on to me.. again very much in the model of what happened.

I seem to be stuck in what happened. It seems I'm hell bent on either being alone and miserable or replaying my abuse. There is an obvious pattern and its clearly damaging my life. I have other problems advancing my life as well. I seem to get stuck.

Maybe in ways I'm still that boy worshiping and seeking I don't know what from a woman I haven't seen in more than 30 years. I don't hate her, I don't want her punished. But I do need to get past this...

I suppose what I want to know is if other people have this same experience. I'm a 38year old man and when the realization hit me today I was crying. I haven't processed it yet and I'm busy using words to bury what happened again. It seems I can't really even process the reality of it. So I'm attempting to bury it.

I don't even know if other people have the same problem coping. I'm a mess. There is a lot more to say as well but ill leave it at this for now.

I suppose I need help to understand this.

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#448756 - 09/30/13 05:23 AM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Other people do have the same problem.
I surely did. The abuse made an imprint, like a boot print in level cement that dried and seems stuck that way.

My T points out that though we can't change the neurons that were impacted, we can go on to make new connections, establish new patterns if we keep making different choices. That gave me hope because it meant I might not be able to silence the "voice" of abuse in my sex life but it didn't have to always be the only "voice" in that room of my life.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448796 - 09/30/13 02:12 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
Torm Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 5
Loc: southern ca
My therapist said I wasn`t ready to get under my defense mechanisms. I found a problem in my memory. A dislocation in time when I corrected it everything fell into place.

I'm having bit of a hard time processing this. I'm going to try to get in touch with my doctor I have no one to talk about this with.

I belong to a minority religion so I don't even have a minister to speak with.

Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and respond.

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#448797 - 09/30/13 02:12 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
Torm Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 5
Loc: southern ca
My therapist said I wasn`t ready to get under my defense mechanisms. I found a problem in my memory. A dislocation in time when I corrected it everything fell into place.

I'm having bit of a hard time processing this. I'm going to try to get in touch with my doctor I have no one to talk about this with.

I belong to a minority religion so I don't even have a minister to speak with.

Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote and respond.

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#448839 - 09/30/13 10:44 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 353
Loc: NY
Torm:

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. This moment of discovery is also the beginning of coming to terms with painful stuff. When it happened to me, it seemed like I never stopped scratching my head and saying, "how could I have avoided this for so long?"

The good news is that you have recognition that was elusive before. And the other good news is that you are reaching out to people who understand. Getting through these difficult feelings and their effect on behavior is possible. Above all, take your time. Going slowly helps the wounded parts of us have a chance to truly speak.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#448901 - 10/01/13 03:01 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
Torm Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 5
Loc: southern ca
Ty I will do so.... I was not the only child involved. Do I tell this person?

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#448903 - 10/01/13 03:04 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
Torm Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 5
Loc: southern ca
He was 3 or 4 at the time so he may have little or no memory of it

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#448937 - 10/01/13 09:25 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hello Torm. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I was molested by teenage girls myself when I was in the 2nd grade and then sexually and emotionally bullied by another older girl for years from 3rd-8th grade. I didn't come to terms with the fact that these experiences constituted abuse until I was in my late teens and went into therapy. You are not alone. The degree to which my own experiences harmed and damaged me can not even be measured. I generally do not and will not even have relationships. When I have, like you, it only works if the female involved takes the lead and basically "molests" me. It's the only way I know how.

Anyway, I am glad you are here and I am glad to meet you. I hope you will find MS helpful. Good luck. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#450352 - 10/16/13 01:20 PM Re: babysitter [Re: Torm]
nomorevic Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/12
Posts: 40
Loc: North Carolina
Hello Torm.

I too was molested repeatedly by a teenage girl, in my case it was my cousin. The molestation started with me around age 8 and I 'thought' I enjoyed it and never became aware that it caused enormous problems for me until I was almost 40. Looking back, I was very depressed as a child and into my teenage years. I was also very angry and found it difficult to trust. I now realize that I carried a lot of shame and guilt throughout my life, actually the shame was almost overwhelming. I now see that I was sexually abused and looking back, I am not so sure I actually enjoyed it, my body reacted and that reaction became for lack of a better word, 'addictive', but having been there and done that, I don't wish the experience on anyone. I am sorry for what happened to you and for the toll it has taken. I hope you are able to find support here at MS.

Best regards,
NoMoreVic
_________________________
NMV

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