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#448780 - 09/30/13 12:38 PM Submit control?
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
This came up in a recent thread with another member here, but I have a question surrounding...maybe the motives and maybe the results? Dunno. But I apologize if this is too redundant given the recent other posts. The concept of "life's little lifeboats" came up in T this morning.

After "things" had gone on for a while (2 years maybe) with coerced compliance by me, to them, I had realized Perp #1 (leader) did not want to lose what he had.

I realized that I needed refuge from the coldness, violence and fear at home.

So during the Summer of 10 & 11 years old (birthday in July), I began to trade-off "alone-time" with perp #1. At first it was for fireworks (as he was the kingpin of selling them). Then it asked for little more than attention.

I desperately needed male attention. I don't know if my need for physical attention was normal...I don't know what normal is (to this day). But I do know that one of my great escapes (lifeboat as T positions it) was fully submitting control to this arrogant 4-yrs-older-than-me dominant jock. I'd frequently go to him in tears or depression. He had nothing to offer except blatant use.

I ate up this physical attention at a deep, soulful level...too bad all he was doing was using me as a warm pot-roast.

This shameful submission haunts me today with pain, guilt and self-loathing.

Anyone come to any conclusions or in-sites on this stuff (if you had this aspect in your abuse theater)?

And BTW: I look now at an 11 or 12-yo boy and then at a 16-yo and can't imagine what he thought he was getting away with and what I thought I was gaining. But I do vividly remember thinking to myself (several times) "I wonder if this is gonna fk-me-up down the road in life?"
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I'm "that guy."

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#448789 - 09/30/13 01:06 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I idolized my 15 year old abuser when I was 8.

That shame and feeling of being a willing victim haunted me for a long time.

I not only submitted, I wanted to be with him and escape my crazy ass drunken violent home life.

He was my male image my father was not.

Some serious confusion went on for me.
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448798 - 09/30/13 02:24 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
OTF,

You triggered (non-debilitating) my recollection of this 'retreat' or 'running to' Dean during my all-to-frequent days of severe upset. I had no natural shelter! But i certainly did have some un-natural ones, and that 'submitting-all' to Dean (perp 1) was scary as all get-out, then it became comforting, and then to disgusting myself.

Its sad and disturbing all at once. What its done to my entire life seems endless in connections and extension.

AS for violence at home: I remember having to gain and master a magic finesse at reading and escaping or controlling the violence in my own mind. The 6th sense was what told me I needed to get out of the house, and I needed to time the departure just right...like according to the sound of the ice-cubes and when his attention would be directed toward the whiskey's pour enough to slip through.
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I'm "that guy."

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#448800 - 09/30/13 02:45 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I appreciate your ability to notice subtle cues.

Mine was more like the sound of a chair hitting the wall and glass breaking.

Much easier to pick up on smile

At this point, there is not much left to do but laugh at some aspects of it. My parents are both dead.

But the thing that brought so much of the past back, was spending time with my mother in the hospital before she died. She apologized for my messed up childhood, not leaving my dad, and asked my forgiveness.

After she died and I thought on it, the memories started to surface.

I guess we all have things that trigger memories.

I hope you make progress on these things.
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448803 - 09/30/13 03:40 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
.

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#448804 - 09/30/13 03:41 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
My experience in terms of "escaping into abuse" was not as severe as what you guys endured.... but only because of his will, which had to be obeyed. To escape the bullies who would beat me til I cried, who I really thought were going to kill me, who threw me down a staircase.... I leeched onto a bigger kid as my new 24/7 best friend and protector. The price was near-constant sexual exploitation and humiliation, which only never "graduated" into one-on-one sex acts because I suspect he had convinced himself it would be too gay to actually do such things with a homo faggot like me. He had his kid brother for that.

Grownups quickly forget the primordial terror in which children view pain. They don't understand such decisions. But kids will do funny things to stay what they perceive as "safe." And I understand.


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#448822 - 09/30/13 08:26 PM Re: Submit control? [Re: SoccerStar]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar

Grownups quickly forget the primordial terror in which children view pain. They don't understand such decisions. But kids will do funny things to stay what they perceive as "safe." And I understand.


Long long ago, in a decade far-far away, there was a song: title "When I was Young" by The Animals.

It was already old and worn by the time it meant anything to me, but I Still think about it to this day.

One verse:

When I was young, it was more important
Pain more painful
Laughter much louder
Yeah, when I was young
When I was young


I don't know about you guys, but I have too much pavement in the rearview to care much about the windshield picture. I just want to come to terms with all that sh*t that I promised myself I would deal with someday.
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I'm "that guy."

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#448863 - 10/01/13 05:27 AM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: Still
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar

Grownups quickly forget the primordial terror in which children view pain. They don't understand such decisions. But kids will do funny things to stay what they perceive as "safe." And I understand.


Long long ago, in a decade far-far away, there was a song: title "When I was Young" by The Animals.

It was already old and worn by the time it meant anything to me, but I Still think about it to this day.

One verse:

When I was young, it was more important
Pain more painful
Laughter much louder
Yeah, when I was young
When I was young


I don't know about you guys, but I have too much pavement in the rearview to care much about the windshield picture. I just want to come to terms with all that sh*t that I promised myself I would deal with someday.


I'm in my mid 50's. there is a lot of pavement in the rear view. Still some left to go up front I hope!

You have helped me man. Maybe some of your windshield experience to come will be in helping others.

Hang in there.
Helping others.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448867 - 10/01/13 09:12 AM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I understand all to well what you are talking about here - my home life was misserable to a degree that few understand (though I know that you do) - the attention that came from my uncle filled that void that I was not getting at home - "if" I would have gotten that attention at home would I have needed it from my Uncle? - HELL NO!!! - I suspect it would have been the same way for you my friend... it was the breakdown at home first that lead to all of the other breakdowns in life...
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Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#448869 - 10/01/13 09:30 AM Re: Submit control? [Re: Still]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 283
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I looked up to these guys, they were cool I was a skinny 12 year old without any confidence, pretty much a loner, they I guess were 17 or 18.

To my shame at the begining I was willing, at the end very unwilling.

Just your regular car crash waiting to happen
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To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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