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#448749 - 09/30/13 03:25 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Jacob,
Don't know if I would describe myself as spatial, as you do.
But, like you I have been drawn to the place, at least in recent years.
Maybe these were small steps to get me to today, although I don't really know what I have gain from it.
I had never been there before it happened, even though it was very close to home.
A major road was a physical barrier at the time.
We moved and it was out of reach.
As an adult, I drove past the area of it quite frequently, although I had never gone to the park itself.
Eventually I took the turn and retraced my steps, and drove past it without stopping.
I have utilized google earth, only in recent weeks, and know that is where, but do not recognize any of it.
I could not place where exactly it happened.
Having recounted the story more than once over the last several months, had rekindled this desire I think.
I will likely go, and likely soon.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#448767 - 09/30/13 10:25 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: peroperic2009]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 917
Loc: New York
I drive past my elementary school whenever I visit my parents. I'm used to seeing the front facade. Would never visit the playground area or venture inside, though.

At a recent little league game I had to take my son to the bathroom. It was in a different school but they basically all look the same. When I was teaching I of course only used faculty bathrooms, and didn't really remember the abuse anyway. But this time I was in a student bathroom - different scale and features, plus just the fact that there was a kid there (my son) - at a time when I was actively wrestling with this.....

Worst flashback I've ever, ever had, I all but saw the walls fading. The minute I got back to the assembly area and my wife saw me, she hurried me away from the other league parents and kids so no one would see, and almost in tears begged me not to try to drive the car home. Intensely hoping never to have to feel that way again.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#448770 - 09/30/13 11:02 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i did.

i got to the place in recovery where i felt i needed to.
if you weren't following it at the time - here is a link to the thread about it.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=444799&page=1

i am glad i went through with it.
it was one of the most positive experiences in my working through things.

i would advise you to be sure you are ready for it - and to have some support ready if you go back.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448774 - 09/30/13 11:47 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
tbkkfile Online   content


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 270
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
My Mother lives opposite the park where it happened, every time I go back to visit her it affects me badly, two weekends ago was bad, she had to go into hospital for an operation and I had to stay in the house.
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#448775 - 09/30/13 11:57 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I can't drive through my old town on the interstate without wanting to cry, cringe, puke, or generally freak. Its very painful.

The day I heard my life-long, childhood friend was onboard AA Flt 11, on 9-11-01, I drove through the actual neighborhood. I was on the cell to one of my other childhood friends who I had not spoken to in 20-years. I completely fell apart as I drove through the block and he was on with me. He thought I was falling apart over her alone. It was that, plus it was because it was the scene of the 7-years of stuff.

Have never returned in-person.

I do look at it on occasion from GoogleEarth. I can feel safe in doing so from my computer. I suggest to anyone that they try looking from GoogleEarth first!
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#448778 - 09/30/13 12:17 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 788
Loc: michigan
I go to the places at times, some are gone now I'm not sure why T asked me once why I told him I suppose to remember that there were other things that happened there that were not bad. that message never seems to come very clearly though, mostly just hurts
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#448788 - 09/30/13 01:02 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I used to hide the truth about the place where I used to live. I've actually been by there a million times since the abuse happened. I never went into the bedroom in that apartment, but I know exactly where the bedroom is, where the windows are, even what the shades on the windows look like.

I had adopted a very "rosy" view of my childhood. It was super-happy, super-upbeat. And I believed the apartments where I lived were awesome. Especially on Halloween, because you could fill a pillow case with candy in no time at all!

But when I started to acknowledge what happened there when I was a fourth-grader, the fucked up stuff that an older boy did to me, I realized that my rosy view had just been a trick I used to hide reality from myself.

I'm always very careful to say this: I never didn't know what happened. I always knew. I knew it was fucked up. And wrong. And uncomfortable. And painful. And confusing. But I didn't have a vocabulary for it. Not until I was an adult did I know what "grooming" was... and all the stuff that grooming leads to.

I used to love to go by those apartments. I liked to tell stories to my kids about how much fun I had there. I don't anymore. I spent some years hating those apartments, but a funny side-effect of abuse is that it freezes memories in your mind. I used to have incredibly sharp memories of all kinds of happenings there. Those memories were immediate, like they had happened yesterday. But as I've gotten therapy, and worked through and accepted so many of those painful memories, the whole raft of memories has begun to fade. It's still there. I remember most everything, but the vividness has for the most part vanished.

I don't know that I care about that place much anymore. I could go there, I suppose. I do get flares of anger about that place. Upswellings of hatred and destruction. And fear. I do get plenty of fear and pain.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Thanks for posting about your search. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace and a way to enjoy that peace with serenity.

That's what I want. Peace and serenity.

Bob

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#448886 - 10/01/13 12:49 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
I was molested at home by my dad when I was a toddler. My mom and my younger disabled brother still live there. I frequently refer to returning to that home as returning to the scene of the crime. At a family gathering a month ago, another brother announced that he has the means to do a major remodel in order to adapt the home to my younger brother's declining mobility needs, and what my mom will need as she ages. He also said that the only option that pencils out is to demolish the old house and build a new one.

In the next month or so, demolition begins. I was home a week and a half ago to help clean out the attic. It felt good to sort through the stuff to keep, the stuff to sell, and the stuff to throw away. And then to sweep out the attic, close it up, and know I'll never be up there again. I can hardly wait to see the house gone and a new one in its place.

Seems to be a good image of my own rebuilding my life and recovering from the effects of what happened to me.

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#448908 - 10/01/13 04:39 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
...


Edited by Chase Eric (11/21/13 06:54 PM)
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Eirik




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#448911 - 10/01/13 04:59 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
In case anyone is wondering, I did go back there in March. I recorded my thoughts in a tape recorder immediately after and then wrote out a post which I guess I never ended up sharing. Here it is now, I think this is still relevant.

==========

Got an opportunity to visit the yard of the house where some incidents occurred. Couldn't stay long, but as soon as I left I was able to record my thoughts into my phone's voice recorder and typed it out. Wanted to share. Phrases in [square brackets] are added in to the written version to explain myself better.

The woods looked the same from the back of the house. It still looks like thereís a whole forest back there (even at my level). When I knelt down a little bit, you could definitely by convinced that there is an entire forest back there. [As a kid, I had thought there was a forest in view when it happened. From google-maps, it looks like a single row of trees. So it was reassuring to see that from ground level the appearance really was that of a whole forest]. I donít think that the shed is the same. If it is the same shed theyíve moved it. The shed I remember you could definitely see out the back from. Iím not even sure it was a full shed, I think it might have been made of plywood to house lumber and firewood in the back yard. It seemed more like a fort to me at the time but I think that it was probably for something like housing wood though its also possible that [the opening in the back was because] Gabe[perp] shot bbís from it.

The yard definitely looked exactly the same so I am absolutely sure that it is the correct yard. The door to the [unattached] garage house is where I remember it being [this is important because it is at a strange spot and different from similar unattached garages in the area]. I definitely was there. I definitely was there more than once. I still donít really have a much clearer idea of what happened though I do think that I was in the old shed/fort. I think that whatever happened, happened once there, at least once in Gabe's grandparentís family room, and maybe once in Gabeís bedroom. The shed would have been the first time. Iím pretty sure that what happened is that I was so unresponsive I wasnít actually there. The non-memory of it, if that makes sense, is really the clearest. The sense that is just a blank spot where no recording at all occurred and the sense that that [controlling] attitude with Gabe was a normal thing -- NOT that apart from those three separate occasions we had a usual friendship. But more that the entire time that I was with him he acted on a continuum of dominance and sometimes that dominance was more overt and overwhelming to me than other times.

Things definitely did happen. Things happened more than once. I was at that house on several occasions. My parents are wrong about the idea that I wasnít.

I had gone hoping to get more memories. And even though that didn't happen, I did answer my questions about why I can't remember anything else. I honestly don't think anything else was ever encoded. I think I stopped taking in data completely. I had an undiagnosed sleeping disorder as a child so I spent a lot of my days drowsy and therefore my memory was incredibly inconsistent anyway. Its possible its still there somewhere, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like the rest of it didn't get wiped away, it never got put in the memory banks in the first place. Which isn't the answer I wanted, but it is an answer.

==========

Since then, I've also located the camp that was the location of the other abuse during that same year. It's a couple hours from where I live and it is tempting to go. Interesting that I said 5th grade back in January. I now know that both the house and the camp was the spring/summer during/after 3rd grade and that the reason I was there was once a week my mother would take my brother to see a special doctor several hours away. That explains why I was there so often and I why I didn't feel like I had a choice in the matter.
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