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#448761 - 09/30/13 08:36 AM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 145
Loc: Virginia
Overwhelmed,

You're absolutely right in what you feel. You have every right to be angry, confused and sad. You're also right in wondering why a person would sabotage what sounds like a very loving relationship like that. I know it doesn't excuse, just know that he's telling the truth when he said it wasn't about you and it wasn't about sex.

One of the strangest things that comes out of csa is that guys will often shy away from loving, intimate sex with their wives but seek out meaningless flings with others (male or female.) I don't know why this is, and I've found myself facing similar temptations. I know this is sometimes driven by a need for affirmation from others (besides you-- he already knows you're attracted to him!) and in other cases it's the attraction of a no-strings quick fling with no emotional attachment. There are a myriad of other causes, but these are what comes to mind right now.

You're a jewel for hanging in there with him. If I may be so bold as to offer advice, don't let this destroy what you have. I strongly suspect you're still the best thing to have ever happened to him, and fling or not, he still loves you above all others. Again, no excuses being offered here but I can tell you that csa causes really nice people to do things they wouldn't otherwise do at times. Take care.

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#448784 - 09/30/13 12:52 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Thank you, that means a lot to me.

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#449530 - 10/08/13 11:59 AM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Overwhelmed,

I'm impressed at how well you articulated your feelings and that you found such a good place to express them. I kind of want you to click on my "handle" and read some of my old posts in the Family and Friends forum. My behavior has some parallels to your husband, and the good news is that I'm in a MUCH better place than when I cheated on my wife, which was a huge watershed moment for me and such a devastating thing for her.

Let me say something about him blurting out what happened, though. This is something you should really hold close for yourself. He held what happened to him in a secret place in his mind all his life. He survived without sexual boundaries because someone trashed and tore down his, back when he was a vulnerable and trusting kid. (At least that's what happened if he's anything like me.) And, yes, he learned coping mechanisms that saved him then but are destroying him now... and the life he has created.

BUT he chose healing and progress before he knew he could face the truth of his life. That's why he chose you. And after he cheated on you and the news came out, he CHOSE to reveal the secret that he had intended to take to his grave. That means he CHOSE life with you over his darkest secrets, his most frightening shame and pain. That speaks to his love of you and the life you have together. And that's important.

Right now, it's not surprising to me that he can't articulate his feelings. He has spent his life avoiding them. He probably has no idea how to match his words for feelings with the things those words stand for.

That's how I was about five years ago. And I can tell you that my life has steadily improved since then. I'm a better dad, a better partner, a better man and a more fulfilled person. It's a long road, and it's not easy. I've been hard at therapy for much of the last five years. I feel like I should probably have a doctoral degree in getting therapy! BUT things get better. I feel better. I've been making progress the whole time. I have SO much less anger. I have so much more acceptance of myself. It's really pretty amazing, and it all started, for me, with the sure knowledge that I wanted my wife and family more than I wanted to keep my horrible secrets.

Good luck. Seek peace and, when you find it, enjoy it while it lasts!

Bob

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#449565 - 10/08/13 04:53 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Hey Robert1000, thanks for your insight. I have been reading as much as my tired eyes can in order to understand a little better. Esposa has also been really helpful in recommending books. I really appreciate what you said about H choosing to reveal his secret because he wanted to save "us". I had not really thought about it like that. It means a lot to me. I feel so alone sometimes. This completely flipped my world.
Its only been a few months since he disclosed. I am very apprehensive about approaching him or asking anything. I just mostly listen. I did give him an article I found about intimacy and trust and he was very excited to read it.
Yes and like you, he was a child. I cannot even begin to process how he felt when this occurred. I am going click on your handle. I have been doing that with the other wives post. I shared with Esposa that I see this pattern of cheating, alcohol, drugs, random sex in most of the postings. I wonder how many couples are suffering because one of the partners has gone through CSA and the other partner does not even know why. Once again, thank you!!


Edited by overwhelmed1975 (12/12/13 12:43 PM)

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#449578 - 10/08/13 06:59 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Robert's posts changed much of the way I viewed the infidelity. Read on wink

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#449586 - 10/08/13 07:54 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Esposa, I had never seen it from the perspective of him disclosing in an effort to save us. I realize that he must have been so desperate in order to throw that final life ring. The ugliest, scariest part of him out in the open.


Edited by overwhelmed1975 (12/19/13 06:37 PM)

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#449588 - 10/08/13 07:58 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
You know when someone is drowning the advice is to throw them a line and not jump in? Because in their desperation, they will drown us too, even if they don't mean to? That's how I always took it - my husband's disclosure was under so much duress - he was tanking and he definitely threw out a line. It helps to see it that way I think. I also firmly cling to my belief that his infidelity was an act of self-destruction more than an act against me. I have to stay there mentally - and people like Robert have always reinforced that for me.

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#449619 - 10/08/13 11:44 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
My H cheated - repeatedly - and admitted to all of it. He's getting the therapy, I get my therapy, we're doing the work. We're 18 months into it and doing...better...

But one year ago? After six months of therapy for him, and marriage counseling for us, he was a drowning man, his clutch on my ankles was fierce, and I was drowning right along with him.

Early on, my H didn't think he could be faithful. Didn't want me to leave him but felt like my expectation of fidelity was setting him up to fail. Too much to live up to with such a damaged person involved. It was manipulation. I knew it. But, at the same time, I felt he had a point. Didn't mean I wasn't going to draw a line in the sand. I could (eventually) forgive everything that happened before, but from here on out, if anything happens again - I am gone. For good.

You see, it's not enough to understand where the infidelity comes from. I knew it then, I got it, but it doesn't speed up the personal healing process for the injured spouse. I kept trying to jump ahead in the forgiveness line and screwed myself in the process. The stages of grief? That shit is real and it won't be denied. The brain kept trying to speed up the heart and that kicked my ass. That, and the crazy madness my H was experiencing in the initial stages of treatment. Knowing how and why he cheated on you doesn't make it any less painful. It just creates a more complicated dynamic that can really mess with your head.

We took some time apart. Shorter than I thought. I got some serious damn therapy of my own. Made sure I had an exit plan. Made sure my H understood that I still loved him, that I would always be there for him on his journey of recovery, but that I had to take control of my situation, no matter what effect it had on him. Funny that that empowerment freed me up to start the real forgiving process.

The word "grief", in its Latin roots, means to have been robbed. And you have been. And it hurts. And in a way, it feels awful to focus on yourself when someone you love - the same person who hurt you - is going through the worse thing you can possibly imagine. Robert and Esposa are sharing some great insight, but don't deny yourself time to grieve over what has happened. That is a very necessary process and one you deserve. First things first: deal with your stuff so maybe you can help him deal with his.

It isn't all about him. It can't be.

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#449632 - 10/09/13 07:04 AM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
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#449648 - 10/09/13 09:38 AM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Val - I love your post. Love it. I remember some time after my husband disclosed the abuse (months after I learned of the affair), my sister asked me "When are you going to deal with your pain?" It stopped me in my tracks. Remember the feeling clearly to this day.

I agree fully that understanding WHY didn't alleviate the grief and pain that I felt. It gave my brain some space to forgive him - but it wasn't and isn't part of my healing.

We can heal without our partners - but we can heal with them too, it just feels like more work sometimes wink Because our partners are damaged, we have to wait for their progress sometimes and that can feel like we are spinning our wheels and wasting our lives. It is a horrible feeling, one that I have found to be cyclical in nature.

Therapy has taught me many things - but one is the ability to see shades of gray - and also to be able to see others as separate from me. To truly see their actions and thoughts as their own - and not a reflection of me. I catch myself on a daily basis trying to interpret someone else's actions as a judgment of myself. She didn't call me back. Did I do something? Every day I grab those thoughts and I rework them and turn them away from ME and return them to the person to whom they belong. This is the value of understanding WHY he cheated for me - it helped me see him as his own person, struggling, failing, in pain. And that gave me a clear runway from which to start my own process of learning about myself, my patterns and ultimately reclaiming me from the pit of my despair.

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