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#445936 - 08/30/13 07:49 AM I didn't realise she could see that much
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 289
Loc: Europe
OK. In the big picture of other things that happened to me, this should be minor.
I was watching a movie on tv the other day and this guy was wearing white briefs ("whitey tighties"), not the super short french cut kind, not boxer briefs, but just what we called normal underwear in the 70's and 80's. The kind I wore growing up.
Well, in this movie (which was not really about sex, and this was a just about 2 seconds in the move), the guy is getting dressed, and what shocked me is that through his underwear, hte same kind I wore, you can make out the shape/size/position of EVERYTHING. I mean, you don't see any skin, but you can make out his penis very clearly and his scrotum, too.
In the move, it wasn't obscene, but it shocked me. I always thought I was pretty well covered. Now I realise when Mom was watching me dress, the fact that I already had underwear on really didn't make that much difference. She could see plenty. I don'T know how I could have missed that. I mean it was MY body and MY underwear, you think I'd know what was visible. (maybe I did and was just kidding myself?) I've struggled with how she watched me for a long time now, but somehow I feel more vulnerable than ever. She's dead now, so it should matter even less, but I just wish I had realised what she could see. I've already decided she wasn't looking at me the way a Mom should, but this makes it even worse. I'm embarrassed just thinking about it...why wasn'T she?
I'm just wondering, I guess, if anyone else has come to the same realisation too late.
When i was a senior in high school I asked for boxer shorts for Christmas, which is really weird because I could have bought them for myself. I remember after I put them on, she came to my bedroom door to look in at how how they looked. I felt like I couldn't complain because they covered even more than what I normally wore and what she had seen me in but it did seem odd that she would want to see hwo they fit. I'm uncomfortable with how I must have been posing for her somehow. Still, the main thing right now is just getting over how exposed I was without knowing it. Any similar experiences?
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#446066 - 08/31/13 04:27 PM Re: I didn't realise she could see that much [Re: learning2remember]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi L2R. I can't say that I've had a similar experience but I definitely can appreciate the depth of the realization you had. Sometimes when we have these realizations, it feels as if we've been hit by a ton of bricks. It is strange to feel like something could have been hiding in plain sight from us for so long. The good news is that a realization like the one you had, I believe opens the door to work on what that realization showed you, and in turn there is potential healing that can be done and progress that can be made. Good luck with that part. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#448719 - 09/29/13 08:23 PM Re: I didn't realise she could see that much [Re: learning2remember]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Learning -

i had a similar revelation experience when i was working in the men's department of a department store. i was waiting on a teenage boy who looked about 15-17 who was shopping with his mother. i found him several pairs of khakis to try on and his mom followed him into the fitting room. i was taken aback and said it was only for men - but the mom retorted that no one else was there and went on in. a couple of times i had to find different sizes and bring them. i saw him in the cubicle with his pants off - standing there in his white briefs - and the mom admiring him while he changed clothes. he was a very handsome and well-built young man but seemed totally under her control. she did all the talking. a couple of times, his eyes met mine and seemed to be sending a mute plea for help. but what could i do?

or maybe i was just projecting onto him what i had felt as a kid. it was a very triggering incident - though i didn't really understand it at the time.

i wasn't overtly abused by my mom - though she was pretty emotionally manipulative. but she was present at least once when the step-dad abused me. she watched him play with me when i was sleepwalking and he was feeling my erection.

i don't know if it helps you any to hear this - but yes - when i remembered this event it was quite devastating. i felt more betrayed than i did in remembering any of the things that other people did to me - probly because you expect a mother to be more protective. so i understand how creepy it makes you feel. sometimes just getting it out can help. hope it does for you.

in my opinion - your mom watching you in your underwear was inappropriate - any time after the onset of puberty - regardless of how much detail of your genitals could be seen. it sounds like voyeurism - which is definitely an aberration.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448727 - 09/29/13 10:16 PM Re: I didn't realise she could see that much [Re: learning2remember]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
P.S.

i guess what i really wanted to say was - it was wrong - but it was not your fault. you probly thought it was normal because it was all you knew. we always try to take the blame, especially when it is someone that we "ought" to love, respect and think no evil about. so - same song - umpteenth verse: let yourself off the hook!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#451160 - 10/24/13 07:33 AM Re: I didn't realise she could see that much [Re: learning2remember]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 289
Loc: Europe
WOW!

Thanks for the responses. Sorry, for not replying sooner. I've been away from the site for a while.

I have a department store memory, too. Mom didn't come in with me, but she was really looking at me. I was 17. Interestingly enough, she was telling me to get looser jeans, saying the ones I wanted were too tight. Who was the sexual one there: the teen getting tight jeans or the Mom telling him not to.

She definitely checked me out when I was dressing in my own room, though. In terms of not knowing better, somehow I didn't even think I was allowed to close the door. I didn't like her looking, but I didn't know I had any right to do anything about it. Just shows she was in control.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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