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#448023 - 09/23/13 07:19 PM I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry......
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
I found this forum trying to find resources for myself and my H. I have no one else to share this with. I found out about the CSA about three months ago in therapy. He cheated on me and in my constant grilling of why he cheated,he blurted it out. He said he felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He also said he is happy that he got "caught", which I cannot understand. He cannot really identify why he cheated. He says it had nothing to do with me and says it had nothing to do with sex either. He said the opportunity presented itself, so he took it.

At the same time, I still cannot understand why he cheated on me. I understand he has trust issues and he has explained how he has never really felt true love and intimacy in relationships. I now understand that the drinking, anger, anxiety and rejection were coping mechanisms. He says he always felt our relationship was doomed to fail.
My logic is, if you have been abused and have serious trust issues, wouldn't he cherish our relationship? If I have been the closest person he has ever allowed to be part of his life, why would he purposely sabotage that? I am looking for insight from other spouses or victims themselves. Is this a symptom? Is this common? I don't know how to handle trying to support him in his journey and letting go of my anger.



Edited by overwhelmed1975 (12/19/13 06:30 PM)

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#448030 - 09/23/13 08:53 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I could never get enough affirmation. I had holes in my soul, and love, confidence, self esteem were constantly leaking out. I could never get enough.

No justification for my actions. But I think I hated me worse than the things I did. So I did them. There is no way a sane person would understand.

I wish you well in being a part of the solution. Very admirable. Read as much as you can.

Bless you for trying.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448036 - 09/23/13 10:02 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Overwhelmed:

All of your feelings are understandable. Although you are going through a very difficult and painful time, it sounds like this could be an opportunity for your relationship to have an emotional dimension that it always lacked.

Trust issues are more than come and go kind of relationship bumps or anxieties ameliorated by greater companionship. For someone like him, they are central to every interaction with every human being. If he hasn't been able to talk about his childhood experience, it means that it has become a part of his growth process, hampering all of his attachments to people, no matter who they are, or yes, how he feels about them.

Although I'm no expert on cheating, the fact that he says it had nothing to do with sex might be an opportunity for you to find out more of what it was about. He may be struggling with that himself, as it may have to do with some very old, nagging issues for him. It might take some time to sort it through but with support, he may be able to do that.

Hope you will find helpful perspectives here, and do some exploring so that you can feel more confident in how to proceed.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#448126 - 09/24/13 08:33 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Hi Overwhelmed. We are here - the wives who have asked EXACTLY the same questions.

My husband said the same things and I, like you, could not understand. I remember a therapist telling me once, early on, that the fact that I couldn't understand might be a good thing about me.

Self destruction comes in many forms. And self-hate and self-doubt are acted out in all the ways you list above.

Your first task (and it's a really hard one) is to separate yourself from his actions. While it may seem impossible now, the fact is that you will do the most healing by seeing his actions as actions against HIMSELF rather than against you. Whether his affair was numbing out, acting out, a facet of an untreated addiction, self destruction - those are things you will find out in therapy. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that your husband has hurt himself far more than he has hurt you. And if there is a chance in the future for you to see this, you will find some comfort in it.

I agree with focusedbody in that his process of self-discovery may provide clarity on many things. But you wondering what you did to deserve this is not a great use of your time and it will ultimately damage your self esteem. YOU didn't do anything to deserve this.

This is a long process. I remember feeling like WHY is the cheating secondary to his abuse? But the fact of the matter is that abused children adopt alternate coping mechanisms in childhood that they then apply to adult situations, and often with very painful outcomes for their partners (as you are suffering now).

Please feel free to private message me if you want. I have walked a very long journey in shoes quite similar to your own.

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#448146 - 09/24/13 11:30 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
I sincerely appreciate everyone's insight. I am trying to read as much possible to come to some sort of understanding, especially since I really want it to work out between us. I am hopeful that we could get through this. Thanks everyone.

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#448618 - 09/28/13 06:22 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 263
Loc: us
Self sabotage is really common with survivors. I was a pro at it for most of my life. If anything good came my way I ruined it and told myself it would have never worked out anyway. The truth was for a long time I didn't believe I deserved anything good in my life.
I have learned that the way we treat others has almost nothing to do with them and everything to do with how we feel about ourselves.
Now that I watch H self sabotage like I did and lash out at me I try to remember back when I did the same to the people that I love. I really hurt them but the pain I felt inside was so intense I felt I couldn't stop. I would seek out other destructive people who would help reinforce that my bahavior was okay. I would push away from everyone positive ashamed of myself and believing that they couldn't really love me if they knew how awful I was. I said horrible things to them and was violent at times. Whatever it took to push away.
I see H do these same things. He isn't violent towards me don't worry. I watch him hurt and realize that the whole time I was lashing out I WAS REALLY LASHING OUT AT MY PAIN my hurt my fear my abuse.
Read read read. And take care of yourself. Even though us survivors are really a bunch of hurt kids who are terrified we are really good at acting like we are monsters.
Love is the most powerful medicine even though it can take time to work its magic. Love is the reason I am here today there where people who just wouldn't stop loving me no matter how hard I tried to push away. They never stopped believing. The more you can love yourself the more love you will be able to share with H. Forgivness is so powerful it has the potential to help heal all that it touches. I think your H is telling you the truth about why he cheated. It hard to heal from something like that but it is possible. Take care of yourself.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#448626 - 09/28/13 07:47 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
HD001, he something similar to you posted. He said he always felt our relationship was doomed to fail. That part makes me sad,but I try to keep focusing on the positive and the future. I want to look forward and try to put the cheating and emotional abuse behind us. It's hard sometimes. But I think it is a huge accomplishment that he opened up about his inner torment. Thanks for your insight.

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#448632 - 09/28/13 08:44 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
On the fringe, wow! That explains as well as I hav ever heard! Thank you!

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#448698 - 09/29/13 03:51 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: overwhelmed1975]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Lucy & Esposa,

Thank you both for the reminders of how important boundaries are. I am glad my wife has good ones. ...although I did really need/do need the compassio nate and merciful expressions to me as well. Somtimes our need is so great that need has been supplied from other healthy sources as well. The boundaries are guardrails that keep us from driving off the cliff as we navigate the treacherous mountain passes towards our healing... kind of like Sam's faithfulness to Frodo on his journer in Lord of the rings. Thank you for your wisdom, compassion and good examples. They have come at such a high price. Hope you both know (and other partners of survivors) that sharing your precious jewels are helping us. May you reap many bountiful harvests in your lives form planting in our lives

Thank you

L84


Edited by L84 (09/29/13 03:54 PM)

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#448699 - 09/29/13 04:01 PM Re: I just found out, i feel lost, confsd, angry...... [Re: L84]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3517
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
I could never get enough affirmation. I had holes in my soul, and love, confidence, self esteem were constantly leaking out. I could never get enough.

No justification for my actions. But I think I hated me worse than the things I did. So I did them. There is no way a sane person would understand.

I wish you well in being a part of the solution. Very admirable. Read as much as you can.

Bless you for trying.


Originally Posted By: L84
Lucy & Esposa,

Thank you both for the reminders of how important boundaries are. I am glad my wife has good ones. ...although I did really need/do need the compassio nate and merciful expressions to me as well. Somtimes our need is so great that need has been supplied from other healthy sources as well. The boundaries are guardrails that keep us from driving off the cliff as we navigate the treacherous mountain passes towards our healing... kind of like Sam's faithfulness to Frodo on his journer in Lord of the rings. Thank you for your wisdom, compassion and good examples. They have come at such a high price. Hope you both know (and other partners of survivors) that sharing your precious jewels are helping us. May you reap many bountiful harvests in your lives form planting in our lives

Thank you

L84


me, too.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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