******TRIGGER WARNING*********MIGHT BE DISTURBING TO SOME******
Wonder why this is in this forum? Because of his "mom."
That gay boy? What is there to forgive him for?
For being born gay?
For being uncoordinated?
For having ADHD, and what ever else they didn’t know or understand about that he was suffering from, because of the abuse, pain & terror?
For having some sort of a mental disorder? Why were they observing me? Why did they have those wires hooked up to this boys head? What was wrong with me? The boy never found out.
But to this day I know that they had the wrong Corbett hooked up & being evaluated. It should have been her.
For fearing & hating females & girls? Never having any kind of emotional or mental feelings towards them? That was beaten into his heart & soul.
For telling his “mom” that he wished that she was dead starting at 8 years old?
Was that wrong for that boy who was being emotionally, mentally, physically & known later sexually abused? Wishing his “mom” was dead? Wasn’t she the cause?
I cannot & will never be able to emotionally & mentally forgive her for destroying her son, his future & his life.
The boy did make a solemn vow to himself & it was no matter how much pain is inflicted or how much the verbal abuse hurt he would no longer cry. He taught himself that
“BOYS DON’T CRY.” “WE DON’T SHOW WEAKNESS.” and he hardly ever did. That denied him the most basic of human emotions crying and mourning for himself.
How can he ever forgive himself for that?
But, the boy did assume full responsibility & blame for everything that was happening to him from her, that he could not comprehend, understand or have control over.
He was flawed somehow. He had placed that heavy burden upon himself in order for him to survive.
What is there to forgive him for?
Is this boy/man supposed to forgive the person who had shown him love, attention & understanding and only 55+ years later realize that it was wrong because he was being sexually used? In the name of love & caring?
Am I supposed to forgive that boy for genuinely falling in love with him? That boy had adopted him to be the “mom & dad” that he never had. He was kind & gentle, never beat me or berated me, he never told me that I was useless, worthless & would never amount to anything. Above all he never told me that I was the wrong one that lived & that I was not wanted.
I loved him & he loved me too. What is there for the boy to forgive?
Am I supposed to forgive that boy for liking it? Wanting it? Going back for more? Instigating it at times? Love, caring and pleasure from an adult. Whom I had chosen/adopted to be the parent(s) I never had? What is there to forgive?
Am I supposed to forgive that boy for being a compulsive masturbator as it was considered a mortal sin, a crime against God?
Is this 10-14 year old boy supposed to forgive himself for falling in love with another gay boy in that Catholic orphanage/Home? Where for the first time in his young life he experienced what genuine, true, clean & pure unconditional love was all about?
But, back in those days we were supposedly an aberration & not a child of God. We weren’t made in “His image & likeness.” As far as the Catholic religion was concerned & perhaps those other religions felt the same.
What is there to forgive him for? Loving & caring for someone?
Forgiving the adult Pete for, destructive/defeating behaviors.
Trying to drown that boy in alcohol & running away from himself for 22 years?
For having no self-esteem, self worth or confidence in himself?
Isolating himself behind that wall & mask that he was hiding behind?
Hiding his gay sexuality in order to survive in the military & beyond?
Being satisfied in his Air Force career up to a point where he was comfortable with himself, but never reaching for his full potential because of those ghostly words from so long ago that were drilled & beaten into a young boys heart & soul emotionally & mentally?
That he was worthless, useless & would never amount to anything. He believed & lived by those words.
The full potential was always there, he just didn’t have the confidence in himself to reach for it.
My, new T gave me this assignment on Forgiveness, in hopes that it will also help me in my guilt, shame & anger.
She wanted me to think about it & here are my feelings & emotions about it. Very much a work in progres.
Forgiveness, has a lot to do with healing other emotions & feelings, like Fear,Hate & Anger.
These questions to myself are going to need answers eventually, in order to move on in healing.
I personally do not feel that i will ever become a "Survivor of Female Abuse." I doubt if it is even possible for most of us.
Anyone else out there have these thoughts & feelings too?
Wishing my brothers here well in healing & life.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.