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#448564 - 09/28/13 08:01 AM The abuse context seems to matter
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I have been reading shares and stories from others. I knew nothing about this sad topic and never talked with another survivor. It seems what we were going thru at the time had a big influence on our subsequent feelings and the aftermath in our lives.

It is Saturday morning coffee time, just thinking and absorbing. I ran from domestic violence as a kid of 8, to the teen boy across the apt hallway. He molested me and told me I was becoming a man. I believed him and bought it all. I ran to his apt when my parents were literally fighting and throwing dishes and furniture. And he faithfully molested me for months. I was more like his child girlfriend than a rape victim. No violence.

So I ran to my abuser as a scared beat kid. I did not have violent CSA, my abuse happened as part of my escape from violence. This turned my perceptions upside down. Got me totally confused. I liked it compared to getting the shit beat out of me by a screaming drunk.

So to context. I still carry some distorted views of intimacy, it definitely screwed up my later life ability to have male friends, and mainly it brainwashed me into thinking at 8 I wanted and chose it.

It may be obvious to old timers here, but I am learning why I don't have the exact same set of CSA baggage as others. And that is ok... This is the last place to come and end up feeling weird. This is the safe place.

So... I have realized deep down I did not consent. Got that in my head last week. Thank you to the many people that helped me see.

Now... I am getting ok that how I feel can be different than some others. We suffered differently and that affected us. It still feels disgusting to think on. But that is good I suspect.

Evil people doing bad things to kids, it is disgusting. And now I say "to kids" not "with kids" like I used to. It's all about the context.

Thank you for letting me ramble over the last couple weeks. The feedback has been awesome. I think it really helped.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448683 - 09/29/13 10:55 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hi OTF. You know, the reality of CSA is that the context of the abuse generally matters very little. If you were sexually abused, you were sexually abused. It impacted your life and it should not have happened. That's all that is important really. Also, keep in mind that the CSA most of the guys suffered here was much like your own. Yes, some were violently attacked by their abusers but not the majority. Far from it, in fact. The fact of the matter is, CSA is normally not a violent or forceful act. People who prey on children sexually normally don't use force and violence because they don't have to. You do not need to use force when your victim is small, innocent, trusting and vulnerable. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#448686 - 09/29/13 01:05 PM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
The longer I stay here, the more I realize I know so little.

That does make sense. I guess since I was disgusted at myself, I thought nobody else felt that way.

I see people post the words "me too". I think I am getting the significance of that.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448688 - 09/29/13 01:19 PM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
That does make sense. I guess since I was disgusted at myself, I thought nobody else felt that way.

I see people post the words "me too". I think I am getting the significance of that.


I read for a long time before participating, and that was the big deal that helped me out so much.

"Me too" to your "me too"!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448736 - 09/30/13 12:14 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 230
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
OTF I've learn't alot from this, your last post and all of the replies you've had from the guy's here, it's helped me than you could all realise, so a big thanks.

Me too
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#448758 - 09/30/13 07:47 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: tbkkfile]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: tbkkfile
OTF I've learn't alot from this, your last post and all of the replies you've had from the guy's here, it's helped me than you could all realise, so a big thanks.

Me too


Glad you find something useful. I am new and confused in many ways. I am just doing as many have mentioned, when i feel comfortable, sharing the truth about how I feel and exhaling the pain and shame.

As weird as that sounds to me, it seems to work.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448763 - 09/30/13 08:52 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Your "comfortable realizations," and in this case "contextual significance," are truly valuable to you and become stronger as time passes and they survive more and more "what-ifs."

Well done!
_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#448764 - 09/30/13 09:34 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
None of us have the exact same effects, our experiences were different, we ourselves are different humans. However when a boys first sexual experience is perverted it messes up our view of just what sex is and relationships are about. I have found as I learned and came to realize just what the effects have been on me I have been able to deals with the effects better.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#448769 - 09/30/13 10:54 AM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: On The Fringe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
“ It seems what we were going thru at the time had a big influence on our subsequent feelings and the aftermath in our lives.”

“So to context. I still carry some distorted views of intimacy, it definitely screwed up my later life ability to have male friends,”

So true! Nothing takes place in a vacuum.

The same set of circumstances that creates the “context” that made us vulnerable in the first place also can make the “aftermath” so much worse and can magnify or intensify the immediate results and have long-lasting repercussions that continue to grow and impact in increasing ways.

For me – a fatherless boy needing male acceptance and affection = the susceptibility to abuse. the step-dad violating that dependency and trust and neediness = huge difficulties with relationships, with trust, with authority figures. Because his abuse took more the form of punishment, humiliation and cruelty - rather than a pretended affection or overt eroticism = my aversion for years to anything sexual = feelings of shame, guilt and being bad and dirty.

I could go on and trace the progression of cause and effect with the bullies in school and scouts – and the stranger molester - but it is the same principle.

And I can certainly see how other sets of circumstances set up different reactions and leas to the opposite ways of dealing with the issues – such as acting out in self-destructive and hypersexual ways. The wounds and damage to our minds and emotions are similar but our symptoms and methods of self-protection, self-medication, or self-presentation are widely different.

so many variations... so many similarities!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448828 - 09/30/13 08:50 PM Re: The abuse context seems to matter [Re: traveler]
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
I see your point, OTF.

Originally Posted By: traveler

Because his abuse took more the form of punishment, humiliation and cruelty - rather than a pretended affection or overt eroticism = my aversion for years to anything sexual = feelings of shame, guilt and being bad and dirty.


I can relate(my CSA was violent). It especially sucks because it's one thing to mentally acknowledge that it wasn't my fault, but I still can't shake the "vile/bad" feelings.

Quote:
I could go on and trace the progression of cause and effect with the bullies in school and scouts – and the stranger molester - but it is the same principle.

And I can certainly see how other sets of circumstances set up different reactions and leas to the opposite ways of dealing with the issues – such as acting out in self-destructive and hypersexual ways. The wounds and damage to our minds and emotions are similar but our symptoms and methods of self-protection, self-medication, or self-presentation are widely different.


Again, I relate. My experiences did seem have significant effect on how I didn't consider myself worthy of respect, avoided intimacy but hypersexual in private, and kept people at arm's-length emotionally. We are all complex beings. The circumstances of the abuse, our temperaments, and our experiences following the CSA all seem to factor into how the consequences manifest.
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

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