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#44852 - 02/17/03 09:19 AM uplifting weekend
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
Those of you who know my story, know that I have really been struggling to open up with my wife. I had told her very little before, and decided that I needed to come clean. We talked long and hard Friday night. I told her all of what happened, and how I felt it affected me now. I explained how I was tired of letting him have control of my life, and how I was working to change.

Turns out she was molested at ten, and raped at sixteen. I knew she had lost her virginity at sixteen to a man in his twenties, but she had never admitted that it was rape before. I figure if she canít understand what I am going through, no one can.

I think we really connected in many ways. She had some very valid points, like using the abuse as an excuse. There has to come a point where the abuse has to cease being your excuse for everything you do wrong. Before I started dealing with the issues, I could make a case for it, but now that I am aware that I have these problems, the excuses begin to wear thin. At what point does the abuse stop being the cause, and I must be accountable? Surely, once I left denial, and admitted a problem, I could no longer claim that I didnít know any better.

Her down-to-earth logic sometimes gets me. I told her that things were not so black-and-white for me. I explained that because I had all this baggage I thought getting a vasectomy was wrong, but wasnít able to speak my mind. She said that speaking was a problem she had as well, and she just made up her mind she was going to do it. Sometimes, I think she went too far the other way J.

The whole weekend was very uplifting. I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and like we understand one another like never before.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#44853 - 02/17/03 10:12 AM Re: uplifting weekend
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Zadok:

What fantastic news and what a huge breakthrough, for both of you, for your relationship! A lot of work to be done--by both of you--to be sure, but now you're both better aware of each other, yourselves, and what you need to work on together.

Good for both of you!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#44854 - 02/17/03 02:20 PM Re: uplifting weekend
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Congratulations, Zadok1,

I know that feeling of having the burden of secrecy lifted. I finally talked to my girlfriend/fiancee (we've been together for 9 years) and told about my story. She was very supportive and she said, "I knew that there was something wrong, but I didn't know "that" is what it was. Thank you for telling me." I told her about MS:NOMSV and about the sharing and support I have received from the "Brothers" here. She was glad there is a place like this on the internet. I am looking forward to seeing my therapist today. I want to let him know the "good" that being in therapy with him, and the honest sharing by the "Brothers" on this Board, has done for me. Thanks to all the sharing, honest, sympathetic and understanding Brothers here. Look what your support has done for Zadok, and for Me, and all the others who have come here providentially. Thanks for everything.
Sincerely, Jess.


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#44855 - 02/17/03 02:28 PM Re: uplifting weekend
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
there was a time when i was into internet porn real deep, and my wife still doesnt trust the internet. but she felt relieved that i had found support here, and that there was a good side to the internet after all.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#44856 - 02/17/03 08:59 PM Re: uplifting weekend
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
zadoki, it sounds like you struggle with the problem of going from "victim thinking" to "survivor thinking.

A poster, John from Cal did a piece on this idea.

I think you can go to it at this link.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=000996#000008

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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