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#448361 - 09/26/13 10:36 PM Detached.
jonmark411 Offline


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 8
Just a piece I'm working on writing about being detached. It's in progress, but I may post it elsewhere eventually once it is finished. Any comments or feedback would be appreciated.
Jonathan

How do you tell someone youíre in pain when you donít feel anything? Are you really in pain, or is it just a bad dream that you will one day wake up from? Iíve dealt with it for so long itís simplyÖ. there. It just is. It exists like a red hot ball and chain that is burning me, but I canít let go or drop it. It. I canít even say what happened. It happened.

To this day I have a hard time communicating it to others, especially to those who have never walked in my shoes. How do you convey what it is you want them to know. Simply telling them seems meaningless. I want them to know, I want them to care, and to understand. But how can they?

I want my readers to feel with me. To step out of your bodies and into the body of a boy who had everything ripped away from him. Security, innocence and peace were beautiful pictures that were graffitied and crumpled into scenes like a Picasso painting. Security became hiding under my blankets at night so I could cry myself to sleep. Innocence became trying to forget that anything had ever happened, while I sought peace by escaping from reality into my mind where no one could hurt me.

The sharp pains of memories burnt into your mind fade into a dull numbness that threatens to engulf me at times. Time after time of telling yourself that youíre really okay and pretending that nothing ever happened. It wasnít really that bad.

But deep inside you know. You remember. You tried your best to push it out of your mind, but nothing ever succeeded. Everyday, reminders are shoved in your face, threatening to upset you and cause your undoing. If anyone found out, it would mean your demise. All it takes is a touch, a word, or a sound for emotions to start screaming out of your soul. You canít push this away from yourself.

This is me. Why canít I escape this? There must be a way out. At any moment, I might say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or look the wrong way and my cover is blown. Every move I make and every word I say is scrutinized and picked apart to ensure my cover isnít blown. I feel like an undercover agent deep behind enemy lines. Alone without any hope of rescue.

I canít do this. Iím afraid. Fear, loneliness and pain are advancing on my heart and so I retreat. My body betrays me, and so do my actions. If I retreat outside of myself then I am safe. No one can touch me. They can do what they want with the boy they see walking and talking. But I will be safe. Separated from myself so no one can see me. I will hide myself so no one can find me.

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#448367 - 09/26/13 11:01 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: jonmark411
....Fear, loneliness and pain are advancing on my heart and so I retreat. My body betrays me, and so do my actions. If I retreat outside of myself then I am safe. No one can touch me. They can do what they want with the boy they see walking and talking. But I will be safe. Separated from myself so no one can see me. I will hide myself so no one can find me.
Hey jonmark,

Good work! This is a very heartfelt and accurate description for many of us. Escape, retreat, seperate.....all our coping mechanisms that keep us safe, (but not really) and handicap us for life.

This is largely what recovery is about. Having the courage to NOT escape, retreat, and seperate. Facing it all and feeling it all. Finding new and positive ways of coping. And reclaiming the lives that were taken from us.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#448369 - 09/26/13 11:18 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jonmark -

Yes.
I recognize what you described.
I think you captured it in words as well as could be expected.
But as you said, how can anyone understand who hasn't walked in your shoes?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448370 - 09/26/13 11:32 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Beautifully written, jonmark, I hear ya.

A couple of things I want to say to you.

Quote:
My body betrays me, and so do my actions.


My body doesn't betray me. It shows me the way, when I listen.

Quote:
There must be a way out.


The way out is the way through. You have to walk the valley, to feel your body, to feel the feelings, and to learn to navigate one slow step at a time. You're right. There is no escape other than to walk the road before you. And it is full of gifts! All that pain will slowly become your strength. It's happening to me.

Blessings bro. Blessings.

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#448371 - 09/26/13 11:32 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PS You're an awesome writer!!!

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#448424 - 09/27/13 11:52 AM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
jonmark411 Offline


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 8
Wow, thanks guys for all the comments smile

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#448444 - 09/27/13 02:52 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
this really is well written. i feel what you're going through. i get it all too well. you've taken the emotions and put them down into words that resonate with the same thoughts and feelings others are experiencing. keep working through it~ and thanks for sharing.

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#448517 - 09/28/13 01:53 AM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 168
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
jonmark411 your last paragraph resonated with me

Quote:
If I retreat outside of myself then I am safe. No one can touch me. They can do what they want with the boy they see walking and talking. But I will be safe. Separated from myself so no one can see me. I will hide myself so no one can find me


Sometimes I feel that my body and mind are just a shell, incapable of thought and feeling, missing a vital part, a spark. I'm still trying to find the little boy that was hidden all those years ago to keep him safe, to fill the emptiness inside
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#449188 - 10/04/13 05:41 PM Re: Detached. [Re: jonmark411]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Yup, ditto. I've been a stranger in my own body.

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