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#448410 - 09/27/13 09:29 AM conspiracy
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
even the plumbing is conspiring against me. (had a big issue at the house yesterday.)

ssssshhhhh...........
don't let the car or the computer know - they'd join in!

every time something goes wrong and i can't fix it - i feel like like the abusive step-dad's voice is whispering in my head:

useless!
incompetent!
worthless!
failure!

i could go on - but you get the the idea. i don't have to rewrite the thesaurus.

so - i know it isn't true. i talk back to the voice - how crazy is that?!

i have my own set of skills and gifts and talents. i am very expert in some things - just not auto mechanics, plumbing, electrical, carpentry - all the stuff the step-dad valued and expected me to know - without being taught.

anyway - i guess the progress is that now i don't just give in and agree with the voice in my head. i have a big BUT that i can throw back at it - and start to list the things i AM good at:

creative!
artistic!
articulate!
perceptive!
etc....

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448411 - 09/27/13 09:41 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Excellent you are affirming your value and the voices and thoughts of the past do not contol. That is true progress.

Kevin

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#448416 - 09/27/13 09:54 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 77
Loc: southeast
Lee

I hear you. Over and over I hear my dad say "you gotta toughen up".....never mind that i cropped tobacco, threw hay bales, milked the cow, kept the fence rows hoed,etc like a slaveboy.

....and then the voice....'you gotta toughen up'.....well dad, if i am not tough now then i will never be! .....and the thing is
i need him to say 'son, i know i've hurt you and others as well, you are ok and you are gonna be fine, just work thru your stuff...i am here with you'....

...but he doesn't even know.......and cannot process his own stuff and i suppose hasn't learned how either...

...its the wound still crying out....and i fail to look at the positives...i forget to look at who's son i REALLY am and what the words of the perfect Father says re: who i am and becoming who i was created to be.

...and i have to do that every single day, every moment on some days, heck every few seconds on other days.

...it is tough not living in the past....as a man how important it is to claim a future for myself, distangled from the wound, looking forward to the goal of who i am becoming, not defined by the wound. how difficult but necessary.

thanks for the reminder of living toward and into the future as i am becoming.

peace

cec

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#448422 - 09/27/13 11:19 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 819
Loc: michigan
hey lee
I hear you so loud and clear, only not the part where the new voices take over. I still feel it 's not quite good enough, never will be. no matter what I manage to do, something MORE will be required. I try to be all I can to everyone and somewhere in the process I feel like I have lost myself. It is good to see those who have been able to transition, it gives hope that it is possible. keep up the good work
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#448501 - 09/27/13 11:27 PM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Kevin - thanks! i needed that validation.

cec - i LOVE what you said: "who i am and becoming who i was created to be." keep at it - even if it does take those daily, hourly, moment-by-moment reminders to yourself. it is good that you understand your dad's issues - that helped me as well. but that should also reveal to you that he is not necessarily the best judge. with so much else that he was wrong about - why should you believe him on what and who YOU are? go back to that more trustworthy source of truth - the perfect Father that you mentioned.

Jeff - i am not sure what you mean by "transition" but i have definitely made progress. but it sounds like you are really bound by others' expectations - or at least your perceptions of what is expected. that can be overwhelming - hence your feeling of having lost yourself. you can't be all things to all people. you have to do it for yourself. i know it is hard to quit trying to please others. what do you do for that hurt boy of your past? you owe him more than what he is getting if you are spending all your strength on everyone else.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#448503 - 09/27/13 11:41 PM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
Lenny Offline


Registered: 07/19/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Kansas
I talk back to the voice inside too. For me it also a daily thing and at times a moment to moment. I want to feel the truth that I tell myself. I want to feel what God says about me. Why is it so hard to accept the truth. I thought the truth will set me free. I just want to feel better about who I am and that I am important and specials. The feelings of anxiety are overwhelming at times. The truth is I am a:

SPECIAL
ONE OF A KIND
LOVABLE
BRAVE
SMART
CONFIDENT
HONEST
WORTHY
DESERVING MAN.

This is the truth that I aspire to be one day at a time. It's up to me to choose to live this truth because no one else can make the choice for me. God has given me new brain and heart and by using what he has given me I will grow and heal. Freedom is an incremental process and it never happens over night.
_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission
Don't take anything personally
It's not the event, it's the meaning applied to it

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#448504 - 09/28/13 12:02 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
great list, Lenny!

you are right about the incremental process.

keep it up - eventually you will get there.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#448513 - 09/28/13 01:31 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 286
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Every day I try to have a bit of "me" time, somewhere quiet where I can forget the world around me, I look inside and confirm the positive and try to rid myself of the negative

The list changes each day dependent on my state of mind and how well I can block off the world around me, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but as traveler and Lenny quite rightly point out "its an incremental process" building each layer on top of the last
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#448527 - 09/28/13 03:30 AM Re: conspiracy [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
@Lee, yes, you are right it is a conspiracy. Gremlins are real and they wait in their nasty little gremlin holes where General gremlin is setting out a detailed map of all the things that will break down:

"okay! at 10.15, squad irritant will head to the washer, at 11.00, Squad nusanse will hit the light bulbs, ---- now how is team vexation doing loosening all those screws? I want those shelves ready to collapse exactly at 12.30 just after he's got back from buying a new lightbulb" laugh.

Seriously, one thing I have noticed myself is that more than whether I can carry out any given activity, how well I react to any kind of upset, demand or thing outside of my immediate ideas of what should be depends very much on how centered I am. It's not so much anything "out of my control" as anything which conflicts with a ffragile sense of where I should be, or what I should be doing.

At my worst moments when I was severely isolated and fugueing, even something as miner as dropping a glass or wwaiting for a late train would bother me, still less if it was something to do with one of my destractions.

I remember for example getting extremely bothered by the fact that the dvd menue on the Startrek Deep Space 9 dvds was not the same as the one on Next Generation, and I couldn't find the highlighting to tell me what episode was what considdering I couldn't read the text, actually I'm a little ashamed at how I over reacted at that point.

So, while I can completely understand past history playing a major part in certain tasks, especially if you've been told "you can't do so and so" or "you should! be able to do so and so but can't because your too insert unpleasant discripter" I do also think there is a huge element of centeredness, of needing to be grounded in more than just whatever your favourite coping stratogy is and however you distract yourself from negative thoughts of the day.

I very much like tbkkfile's thoughts on a dayly meditation for this, although I know myself when I was at my darkest meditation could too easily turn into a self destructive need to pass time with nothing. For me, it was usually music that wrenched me out of those sorts of feelings, and that wrench was hugely painful and often involved tears, however once I was out of that particular place I could look at things objectively, ---- which is actually what I did with the ds9 menues, (like so many other things I worked them out and found! some visible highlighting, indeed I rather want to watch the series again now that I am no longer constantly concentrated inwards and can actually follow the story).

So, I really hope you can get around this, ---- and stop up all those gremlin holes laugh.

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