Stuff has been sort of intense on the boards for me... found myself either shutting up or talking about stuff i'd rather not, but I feel passionate about.
But I'm tired in general. And that's one of those times when I come back to reality that life as an abuse survivor is different than for normal people.
When I'm work down (hungry, tired, scared, lonely, etc) then I can almost hear the old messages from bullies at school (an abused kid I isolated myself pretty well, and add homophobic bullying and beatings as well it was a double-whammy of "you're worthless"). The old wounds lurk in wait for when I'm down, and then they pounce. *stupid emotional bullies*, my wounds are...
Then I remember how with sex, particularly the stuff leading up to my primary abuser's offense, I could tone out, just forget about it.
that just triggers me, man. I don't want to be some sort of sex addict. Don't want to be just defined by the groomed patterns. And one reason I'm celibate is because I used to be someone's, well... I would give sexual favors in return to be liked/loved/wanted. I have called myself every dirty name in the book over that. For me I drew the boundary. I used to let people use me rather than feel like this.
Now I will endure feeling like this rather than let anyone use me again. And just wait until I feel better. Taking care of my list (horny =
I'd make a terrible Catholic, hungry = food, angry = running or martial arts forms, lonely = get out where people are or call a friend, tired = sleep, scared = prayer.) I'm at work now so it will be hours until I can attack the list.
And I've been down lately. I noticed I started posting novellas instead of short replies, which is usually me trying to overcompensate for feeling like I'm not worth much if I'm not useful (the pun on my name).
Anyway guys... thanks for letting me vent. I'm jealous of normal people who get worn down and just want a beer instead of all the messed up ways I learned to cope.
But you play the hand you're dealt. Soldiering on. Thanks for letting me vent.