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#448380 - 09/27/13 01:56 AM lurking in weariness
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Down today.
Stuff has been sort of intense on the boards for me... found myself either shutting up or talking about stuff i'd rather not, but I feel passionate about.

But I'm tired in general. And that's one of those times when I come back to reality that life as an abuse survivor is different than for normal people.

When I'm work down (hungry, tired, scared, lonely, etc) then I can almost hear the old messages from bullies at school (an abused kid I isolated myself pretty well, and add homophobic bullying and beatings as well it was a double-whammy of "you're worthless"). The old wounds lurk in wait for when I'm down, and then they pounce. *stupid emotional bullies*, my wounds are...

Then I remember how with sex, particularly the stuff leading up to my primary abuser's offense, I could tone out, just forget about it.

that just triggers me, man. I don't want to be some sort of sex addict. Don't want to be just defined by the groomed patterns. And one reason I'm celibate is because I used to be someone's, well... I would give sexual favors in return to be liked/loved/wanted. I have called myself every dirty name in the book over that. For me I drew the boundary. I used to let people use me rather than feel like this.

Now I will endure feeling like this rather than let anyone use me again. And just wait until I feel better. Taking care of my list (horny = blush I'd make a terrible Catholic, hungry = food, angry = running or martial arts forms, lonely = get out where people are or call a friend, tired = sleep, scared = prayer.) I'm at work now so it will be hours until I can attack the list.

And I've been down lately. I noticed I started posting novellas instead of short replies, which is usually me trying to overcompensate for feeling like I'm not worth much if I'm not useful (the pun on my name).

Anyway guys... thanks for letting me vent. I'm jealous of normal people who get worn down and just want a beer instead of all the messed up ways I learned to cope.

But you play the hand you're dealt. Soldiering on. Thanks for letting me vent.


Edited by Onesimus75 (09/27/13 01:58 AM)
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448389 - 09/27/13 03:06 AM Re: lurking in weariness [Re: Onesimus75]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I'm new here. New to facing the past I denied.

You have been very helpful. I appreciate your words from the heart. You may be hurting, but you don't seem to let that define you. Knowing you are a bit down, I admire you a bit more.

Not sure if it matters, but you have helped me.

Thank you for your novellas. For newbs, it explains a lot and I don't feel like such a weird freak.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448390 - 09/27/13 03:37 AM Re: lurking in weariness [Re: Onesimus75]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
It matters. I love the old post from the movie First Knight.
"In serving others, we become free."

My abuse made me feel worse than useless, not just because I was a sex toy, but because I felt better being a sex toy than being alone.

The abusers presented me with a false sense of worth, that made me feel worthless. I've found in this and my prison correspondence, and some feedback from my books that talk about abuse that being honest about it can help others.

You're not alone. Even the professionals and moderators here talk about hurting, feeling down, having issues.

But it doesn't define us any more than the abuse does.

You're not a freak. Lemme know any time you need to hear it. It's always a pleasure getting to speak the truth.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Top
#448591 - 09/28/13 01:43 PM Re: lurking in weariness [Re: Onesimus75]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Quick update. Thanks for the encouragement and PM's guys. Doing better.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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