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#448326 - 09/26/13 02:29 PM My Own Top Ten
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 141
Loc: Southeast US
When age continually advances on you. When loneliness, shame, anxiety and maybe a little bit of self loathing is always there to remind you of years past, one way to deal with it is to make a Top Ten List of Favorite Jokes

Here are mine

10. Your honor, I plead not guilty. That bed was on fire when I got in it.

9. One thing I hate when I have to do household chores is dust and make beds. In another six weeks you have to do the same thing all over again

8. Father trying to help his son with his homework assignment in spelling. "Well son, no wonder you can't spell "posse" you don't even know how to pronounce it.

7. Two fairly old couples had just finished an evening meal and the men retired to the living room while the wives remained in the kitchen. One of the men said,"that was a really fine meal, much better than the one we had last night at this new restaurant." After the other man asked, "Really, what restaurant was that?" The first man paused and stammered a moment then said, "What's the name of that flower that smells so sweet with so many thorns on the stem?" The other replied, "You mean rose?" The first man said, "Yeah, that's it. Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?"

6. Two ladies were talking.
First Lady: One thing I really enjoy is taking a really nice warm milk bath.
Second lady: Pasteurized?
First Lady: No, usually just up to my boobs.

5. (No offense to blonds)
A guy from a collection agency called a blond and said he wanted to ask for the payment for the storm windows she had installed. This bill is over 14 months past due, and still unpaid. The blond replied, "Well duh, you'd better talk to your salesman then. He said those storm windows would pay for themselves in less than a year.

4. You might be a redneck if your family tree has no branches.

3. Company announcement: employees who want to attend their grandmother's funeral should let their supervisor know at least 24 hours before the day of the game.

2. A man was talking to a priest.
Man: Last night I was out with two young attractive girls, and we went to a motel and made mad passionate love until the early morning hours.
Priest: Very good, my man, confession is good for the soul.
Man: But, I'm not confessing.
Priest: a good Catholic should confess their sins.
Man: I'm not Catholic, I'm an atheist.
Priest: Then why are you telling me? I'm a Catholic priest.
Man: I'm telling everyone I see. I'm 84 years old.

And the number one joke on my Top Ten List
1. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and shouting like the passengers in the car with him.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#448348 - 09/26/13 07:50 PM Re: My Own Top Ten [Re: Bluedogone]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
3. Company announcement: employees who want to attend their grandmother's funeral should let their supervisor know at least 24 hours before the day of the game.
Around Birmingham Al the grandmothers drop like rain in a thunderstorm around "Roll Tide" and "War Eagle" game day.

Hilarious submission, thanks.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#448437 - 09/27/13 02:23 PM Re: My Own Top Ten [Re: SamV]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 141
Loc: Southeast US
Hi Sam,

I remember very well in the 60's (and maybe even now) if Georgia had a 1-9 record and that one win was against Alabama, it was considered a winning season.

Since you mentioned Alabama and Auburn I wondered if Jeff Foxworthy possibly had in mind a family that had both Alabama and Auburn fans when he wrote one of his "You might be a redneck if..."

I like this -
You might be a redneck if you've ever been caught in the cross fire at a family reunion.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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