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#448279 - 09/26/13 07:22 AM Reason for Living?
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
**********PROBABLY TRIGGERING************

This is a touchy subject, but I need to put it out there for comment from those who have felt similarly because it's been a rough month-and-a-half. Six weeks ago I pretty much knew for certain I'd lost my feline companion of 16½ years, Ricky. Neighbor had called me. Two weeks later, again on a Thursday, I had a heart attack, two stents put in the next day. Felt like I'd been roundly kicked when I already was down.

I'm in my late 50s, have survived with HIV for 21 years, and swore I would stay alive long enough to see my companion, the last of nine in 26 years, through his life. Much to my relief and satisfaction I did. I feel like, flawed human I am, I did the best I could with my commitment to him, to all of them. My cats, frankly, have meant more to me over the years than people.

My Welsh bestie and my cousin, who've had their own heart attacks, have told me I can expect depression for a while, perhaps months. I've had good days and bad post loss and post heart attack. Good days are okay. Not great. But I get things done and feel a sense of accomplishment at the time. Had a few days like that this week. However, bad days can get really bad for a few days in a row. For one, I'm facing hospital bills I fear may eventually wipe me out (as they did 11 years ago).

This sounds silly, but I know a feline companion or two would help me emotionally. I fostered one for a couple days last week. Returning him felt a bit like losing Ricky all over again. And there's another at the shelter who's taken to me as well. (Originally I visited the shelters just to get a dose of purrs and head butts). I feel insecure about my ability to make a commitment when I have more doubts than ever if I'll be able to see them thru their little lives, as much as I know they'd have a great home, more love than they could imagine and they'd be helping ME.

In short, guys, I need more. I need a reason for living and I just don't have it. I sure as hell don't know why I've survived the HIV, been given a wonderful new med in February and even survived a heart attack. For that matter, I don't know why I survived parental abuse that led to my CSA...and even survived that, albeit as an only partially functional adult. Nevertheless, I've done reasonably well with my craft over the years, but nothing that's made any mark. Now I'm just settling that I simply may not leave much of a legacy. And no one really gives a damn anyway.

I'm tired of fighting it all. I'm just plain tired. I don't see the cardiologist again until March. I'm taking the new BP, thinners and other meds. He wants me off the cigs, naturally. But I just don't see the point in prolonging the torture. No, I'm not inclined to take an irrevocable action. I'm more inclined just to let the next heart attack take me.

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#448305 - 09/26/13 09:53 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lancer,
well it is very difficult to talk and fight depressive feelings.
Finding reason for living is some difficult task and somehow I see it out of reach of our rational minds. Maybe I'm wrong but that is how I see it. It is like some weather forecast, some storm is coming and no one knows when will leave but always some sunny morning shows.
Could you find some small and usual things that you like to do and enjoy every day, something that could keep you busy?
You love your car, can you take out that white beauty and enjoy in it here and there?

Fulfilling time with such activities trough some period can ground me pretty much and give me some sense of direction and focus.

And man you achieved so much in your fight, you deserve some good time and enjoying fruits of that.
I'm sure new feline buddy would make easier and bring some love.

And what about shingles?
I know it is completely wrong to cry for them but I think that we need some similar topic wink ?

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#448306 - 09/26/13 10:10 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I don't know how much exercise you can do with a bum heart. But maybe even walking, or sitting in the sunshine have always helped me.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448309 - 09/26/13 10:51 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Sometimes, if I were to be asked why I go on, I'd be able to give some very optimistic answers. I have found that I inherently enjoy doing things that few people have done just for the sake of being different. They don't have to be big things or things others ever know about me. For ME, that's something I find inherent joy in. Another thing is adventures, especially out in nature. That's something I find inherent joy in. I don't expect that to be the same for anyone else, but for me the trick has been to figure out what makes you happy and then do what you need to do to make it happen.

But their other days where I feel like another person, and I have to take the word of past Jacob (and hopefully future Jacob), because present Jacob just doesn't see the point. On those days, what keeps me alive just boils down to: as long as I'm here, I have a certain amount of choice in how I spend my time. As soon as I'm gone, that choice evaporates. No more adventures. I have a yellow mustang that I love. It won't last forever, but while its here I have fun with it. I don't let knowing it'll die one day keep me from enjoying it now. Then there are lots of days where I don't feel up to driving it. But I'm not going to take a sledgehammer to it. I enjoy the good days and the bad days I say "what do I have to look forward to?" And if I can't think of anything, I make something. Something realistic but happy.

This is all just me. But I hope some of it made sense.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#448314 - 09/26/13 11:59 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Lancer

What you have survived shows you inner strength. A strength that you may not accept but it is there. Life is not fair but you as a person offer much to everyone here. Take a breath bask in the sunshine and remind yourself you have endured and survived.

Find a place to talk so you can laugh. Laughter helps sooth the pain. I bet if you open up people would embrace. I have learned there are many who are not compassionate despite how they portray themselves to the outer world. But there are many compassionate people who will be there for you.

Do your best and life may surprise you. You deserve a break.

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#448318 - 09/26/13 01:00 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Lancer,

I know this is an incredibly overused phrase, but I really, really mean it when I say it - "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for what you're going through. The HIV, the loss of Ricky, the heart attack, the bills...not to mention your past, with the CSA and the parental abuse...I'm so sorry.

I think I'm honest when I say I most likely don't know what you must be feeling or going through at the moment. I do, however, amidst my own petty problems, often catch myself asking - or perhaps more accurately, feeling - the same question you pose...what are the reasons for living? I think Pero touches on a good point when he said how this is something beyond one's mental capacity to fix. Perhaps the 'answer' - if I can be so bold as to use such a word - lies hidden on a more emotional level, rather than a logical one.

To expand a bit - for me, the experience of getting moved by something gives an overwhelming sense of 'life' that it overrides my nihilism, however temporary the feeling may be. Vitality, is perhaps a good word to capture this. A piece of music. A movie. A letter or a card from a friend. A book, a poem. Reading about exotic places. Memories, photos. Nature. Anything profoundly beautiful. Being moved by these things tends to help me transcend many, many things in life that drain me, even if momentarily. So, maybe the trick is to keep 'hopping' - from one experience of getting moved, to another - while taking the fits of inevitable depression CSA is bound to give us everyday in stride.

I think there is a powerful, dark force within, and it always threatens to overwhelm us and render us unconscious of the profoundly important need to constantly seek these things. I know you feel, to put it colloquially, 'burnt out'; that being said, I also know, from getting to know you (albeit behind a computer screen), that there is a fire within you that simply needs reigniting. I hope you find your box of matches.
_________________________
Husky

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#448328 - 09/26/13 04:01 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thanks guys, as always. A couple of my own comments. Difficult as it is, I've "handled" single knocked-on-my-ass issues. (Shingles, btw, was exactly a year ago). When they come simultaneously, however, I have a real problem.

The flavor of this one is different because it's felt like a more immediate reminder of mortality...and the feeling I haven't done or been able to do much with my life. I think husky nailed it with nihilism. Perfect description.

I've sorta been able to avoid the temptation of comparing my insides to others' outsides. At least I'm aware of it.

Though I've done a lot of satisfying things such as my craft, outdoor activities, traveling, even have had relationships (one particularly fulfilling that died shortly after Dad's death), there's no spark now, to carry husky's metaphor. I'd started to feel that way about my craft lately and these events feel as if they snuffed out what remained.

Usually over the years I've at least been able to find something personally satisfying, even personally inspiring, in my activities even if they meant nothing in the Grand Scheme. And it now feels that ability has simply disappeared.

On a scale of 10, I usually operate at 7-9. Now it's 4-5.

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#448338 - 09/26/13 06:05 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
I think there is a lot to be said either one of the effects of health crises and loss. But when you bring them together, they seem to add synergistically (2 + 2 = 5). So I am definitely in the camp of riding it out (not easy, I know). My guess is that the sunshine will come back - likely in the form of fuzzy paws walking all over you.

And if I get run over tomorrow and come back as a cat, I'm walking right up to your front door.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#448342 - 09/26/13 06:36 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
@Lancer, I know I can't say much but will say I'm really sorry to here about Ricky.

In 2008, just after I crashed into recovery, Jessy, my 14 year old staffordshire bull terrier died of a stroke. She'd been with me since she was four weeks old and I was 13, over half of my life. after she died I said I would never have another dog, and still! miss her now.

Yes, missing animals can hurt as much as missing people, especially if you have been close, so as far as it is possible to understand, I do understand.

On the multiple problems front, one thing I've noticed myself is that evaluation is an amazingly tricky beast. You mention for instance "not doing well at your craft" or "having a life that has no impact" and yet, I do wonder how much of that migh be your own perceptions. I have learnt to intrinsically misstrust any evaluation I make of myself, or of anything I do, from simple everyday things to extremely major life evaluations as a hole. I am just not qualified to answer such questions, since I know whatever answer I give will be negative, and generally the worse I feel, the more negative that answer is, ---- heck there have been days I couldn't even face doing my laundry because I was certain I'd end up with everything in a mess.

When i considder reasons for living I always remember a doccumentary I watched about a person with epidermolosis bolosa, a truly horific medical condition where the skin is so weak and damaged even the slightest contact causes it to blister and flake off as though burned, meaning a life of constant extreme pain.

The chap in the documetary who'd lived with this condition for his entire 30 year life said quite openly that he actively believed any foetus diagnosed as having the condition should be abborted, since he genuinely believed that death was better than a child growing up with the sort of pain he lived with. Yet, what was absolutely amazing was how much of a major part music and nature played in his life, how much he enjoyed the things he did! enjoy, indeed he admitted himself that despite his position on prenatal diagnosis and abortion he wouldn't have been without his own life expressly because! of those things, and he admited himself the contradiction.

About the abbortion issue I don't know, but I do find it significant that if someone with that level of pain can still find something that makes him say that he'd rather be alive than dead just! from miner experience, there has to be something more to the simple act of enjoying what can be experienced than just saying "oh I liked it but it's gone and doesn't mean anything"

This is very similar to what Jacob said, it's all about the little things, not the big "legacy" Heck, I've myself got my legacy. if I were to drop dead tomorrow, there is a published doctoral thesis with my name on, there are principles that are uniquely mine, I've contributed to the almighty course of philosophical dialogue, ---- well woo bloody hoo!

Not that it didn't need writing, but has the fact that I've "got my legacy" if you want to put it like that made a massive difference to how I view my life? well the plane and simple truth is no! Indeed I think if all I had been doing was trying to achieve some sort of longer footnote in the cosmic who's who I wouldn't have written the thing at all. Oh yes I now have "doctor" before my name, ---- but on especially dark days that just makes me "doctor complete failure"

If I can sit and enjoy a peace of music, if I can taste all the flavors in a decent cup of my freshly brewed coffee, if I can still stand outside for five minutes just admiring the sun on the grass, ---- then! for those few minutes my life is worth living, and that is what makes the difference.

One other helpful thing with removing the authority of self evaluation, is it stops me from prejudging what is likely to make a difference.

After jess died I absolutely and quite distinctly didn't want another dog ever! I just wanted Jess back. For necessity however I had to go on the guide dog list, since there is no other way of saying that guide dogs are very good at what they do and do make life easier.

I was on that list for nearly three years, until in 2011 they found me Reever. She is utterly and absolutely different to Jess. Where Jess was a distinct and dominant personality with a huge amount of energy, reever is totally relaxed (indeed lazy might be another word).

Jess had a lot f instinct and felt distinctly protective towards me, indeed she naturaly guarded everything! Reever however is the other way around, reever is extremely gentle. Heck, even the breeds and colourings are different since where Jess was a heavily compact, brindle bull terrier with extremely short hair, Reever is a long hair black lab retriever cross.

I won't say it's been easy, indeed the first month of training with reever was absolute hell since I can't think of anything more depressing than being stuck 24 hours a day alone with a dog who just wanted to be with her trainer and didn't care about me at all, (indeed when I went to stroke her she'd turn round and walk off and spent her entire time sitting by my front door waiting for her trainer to come back).

Yet, it's worked out, indeed now I'd not be without Reever at all, and not just because of her job, indeed she's lying on my feet while I write this. She isn't! Jess, and I do still miss Jess, however she is a really lovely dog in her own right.

I'm not saying "go out and buy a cat" I'm just saying that if you became so close to one cat, you likely will again and that in itself is worth while.

Again, it's the little things that matter.

I'm really sorry to hear about everything that has happened at once, and I absolutely agree with Husky, you don't deserve any of this, and that's why I hope some of these ramblings can be useful in some way.

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#448353 - 09/26/13 09:03 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Everything has a reason Lancer, and a time and a place. Can you breathe into the uncertainty and loss, just curious to see what else may arise for you?

Everything has a reason! Including you!

I'm glad your heart is still beating!

Smiles,
Mark

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#448372 - 09/26/13 11:41 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Hi Lancer,

I can totally understand how you feel.

I have a close friend that was diagnosed with ALS a few months ago. He has to face the reality that his body will soon fail him, making him an invalid, followed by certain death.

Another friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer that has metastasised to his bones. He's in a great deal of pain and has only a short time left. There is no hope of a cure.

Bad things do happen to good people. And while CSA survivors may seem to get more than our share of bad things, we are no exception to the rule. Life just isn't fair. In fact, life sucks. So where does that leave us?

Lancer, you've been through alot and I don't mean to 12 Step you. I can just say that what keeps me going is focusing on what I HAVE, and not what I don't have. What I've done well, and not what I've fucked up. Working on the things I can control, and letting go of what I can't. That and my absolute determination that I cannot, will not, let my abuser win the battle for my life that still goes on.

I try to be grateful for every moment. Grateful to see that those I've loved, and those that have loved me, have been changed by my being in their lives. Grateful that the work I've done has been satisfying. Grateful that my material needs are being met. Grateful that I don't have to be perfect, that average is enough. Grateful for every little boy and girl who is allowed to grow up without being scarred by what happened to me.

Press on my friend and you will find your reasons to go on. I think you'll find that your brothers on MS are among them.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#448662 - 09/29/13 02:01 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
It's been a couple days and I guess I'm doing better. In general what I'm getting in particular fr my bestie AGAIN is that the BP meds are just gonna fuck with my head for a while. My week goes about 50/50 on the depression. And I'll just have to adjust to the fact it may be like this for several months.

@Jude - your ODAT idea helped. Lost track of that. That's primarily what helped me out of this round. So, thank you.

@empathy - the personality differences are something I'm learning to actually embrace, especially since I've kinda become the shelter's "cat daddy" in the past month. I'm there a few times a week, there are about three dozen of 'em who know exactly who I am now (Mr. Affection) and I've come to know their personalities. Fuck it. I'd like to have a decision made by end of next week - my fave b&w piebald suddenly decided it was okay to walk up my chest - but meantime I've got plenty who share the love.

Had my HIV study checkup/draw Saturday and that helped my head. Numbers hadn't really changed. What was more important was a couple administrators, one who'd had heart surgery for a septal defect (hole) a couple years ago. Like my cardiologist had told me, he said, "You have a new heart" and "it'll take months yet" somewhat because I'm growing new blood vessels. They're also good, qualified listeners with whom I'm comfortable sharing any/everything...since my physical/emotional health is part of the study anyway. It was more reassurance than any a-ha moment.

I'm sure I'll have more depressive episodes, but at the moment I'm limiting my thot processes.

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#448680 - 09/29/13 10:29 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL
Hi Lancer. Sorry I'm a little late on this thread but I'm glad to read you're feeling a little better about things. While I can't claim to know what you are going through with the health problems, I do understand what it's like to not feel like you have any reason to live. I struggle with that every single day. Feeling like you exist only for the sake of existing and like that existence is completely or at least mostly devoid of the only things that give you comfort, joy and purpose. Believe me, I know that feeling all to well and you are not alone.

I guess I'd have to echo a little bit of what Jude said about trying to focus on the things you have and not on the things you don't have. I try to keep that perspective on things and it helps a little but it isn't easy. Also, when I am feeling happy for some reason and/or when I do feel at peace for a fleeting moment, I try to relish it and live in and for that moment as much as possible. That's all you really can do, after all. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#449118 - 10/04/13 02:56 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, the week's been lousy. Only thing that keeps me from a complete shutdown is being aware that, as Ken said, at the moment I have a roof over my head, electricity, and food in the fridge. Yeah, that basic.

Depression's a combination of the BP meds, what I understand is typical post-MI feelings, grieving Ricky and my own history with depression.

Physically I feel "normal". Angina only occasionally noticeable, but I'm hypersensitive to it's occurrence, too.

Haven't been to the shelter since Monday. It helps for the hour, but I come home depressed. Frankly, I'd like to bring home a half dozen of 'em. At the minimum looking for a bonded pair who bond w/me - if/when something happens to me, neither will be left alone to cope (as I was left alone to cope without siblings). It was a constant concern w/Ricky that fortunately never happened...but I'm feeling overall like my "luck" has run out. May or may not have anything to do with reality - dont' much care - but that's the way I'm feeling.

I haven't at all been myself all week.

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#449119 - 10/04/13 03:00 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Hang in there!!!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#449284 - 10/05/13 02:47 PM ! [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:59 PM)

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#449491 - 10/08/13 04:54 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Man, I gotcha there, Gary...obviously. fwiw, dump away. I did and this thread's proof of it. Feel free to hijack, too. imo, it's more about subject matter that perhaps some of us are afraid to put out there considering a couple MS occurrences this summer.

What (barely) got me thru last week was what I mentioned at Jude's behest about "today I have a roof over my head". And it was just enough for me to hang on, lousy as the day and my head were otherwise.

Aside from my current issues, this is the time of year here when summer heat/humidity is dragging out until Halloween, so it's often my worst time of year as well. I'm fed up with "the air you wear"...as much as I might enjoy a good sweat working outdoors. I already feel physically worn on top of everything else since mid Aug.


Segue: Had to at least do the lawn/trim Sat which further got me to the grocery store. For last week, that was a major accomplishment.

Nor had I been to the shelter all week and forced myself out for a Sun visit to the three dozen feline furballs, several of whom now know exactly who I am.

******* KLEENEX ALERT **********

This is rather a neat story: What I didn't expect was an introduction to an emaciated female Siamese/tortoiseshell (where the brown would be) with huge, expressive blue eyes who had been given up, but became so depressed in the past couple of weeks - sound familiar? - they had to put her on IVs, antibiotics, etc., and remove her from the cat room to a clinic cage next to dogs. I don't know if it was drama, but one worker mentioned they didn't know if she'd make it, she seemed to have lost the will to live. Again, sound familiar?

Though I made it to the car afterwards, I turned right around, came back, and told them I'd foster her back to health for at least a week. So, she's in a safe, calm, quiet environment and gets lots of affection.


(One concern the clinic expressed is that reintroducing her to the clinic environment and/or cat room might bring her right back down again. I haven't told them, but I'm thinking at least a month under my roof myself.

She's been coming back pretty well. Went thru a whole can of food in the first 12 hours. She immediately knew what a kitchen was - as opposed to the kibble/water bowl in the office - and any activity there MUST have something to do with HER. Has become more talkative (the Siamese part). She knows what a toilet is, a large drinking bowl (put an end to that). She apparently knows what a faucet is, too. When the mood strikes, I hear a typically loud, insistent Siamese commotion about that, plus a huge blue-eyed stare. She insists I be there to protect her balance, which is kinda nice for the caretaker in me.

I suspect mouth issues as she's not using her tongue for much, including grooming (my job, for now...she's just bones under fur but undercoat is now carefully dethatched and more comfortable for her). Her eating is spotty, barely touches the kibble. I'll have their vet look at the dental in a week or two when she's got more strength. She appears to be a smaller (weight loss notwithstanding), older (flabby tabby) girl. Like Ricky was, she's into spooning with me. She's taken up daytime nap residence, also as Ricky did, by the (locked) kitty door with a view outside.

Again, it seems a cat has in need has helped ME out.

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#449508 - 10/08/13 09:41 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I like this, Lancer. Love your characterizations of the individuals. I have no history with cats - but you make me love them. I think this is good for you. One step at a time...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#449523 - 10/08/13 11:28 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, day one, day two and day three....





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#449539 - 10/08/13 12:58 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Oh man, she is so beautiful, I love those white paws smile
I hope she will recover in full soon!
_________________________
My story

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#449778 - 10/10/13 03:21 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
No need for responses, but might as well post this, fwiw. Got hit with the trots all night and running a temp today. Despite "Miss Kitty" settling in comfortably this week, I'M back in the depths. I feel weak, disoriented...and damn sick of this.

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#449784 - 10/10/13 04:45 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Hey lancer smile It is no wonder you are struggling. You have been through a lot . Couple that with the meds and your going to have some rough days. Myself I admire the fact that you have the strength just to get here and post something. I have my own problems with depression and on bad days I can't even get out the door. I wonder if some probiotic capsules or food would help with the trots. It does me. Thank You for the pictures of your four, footed feline friend!
I wish I could say or do more to help out. At least know that it matters to me ( and many others here) that you are a bit sidelined just now. Life can be like a boxing match a lot of the time. We win a round and we loose a round but we fight on.
Some times all we can do is wait it out.
Take care.
Sentry

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#449800 - 10/10/13 08:28 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
I'm "in the depths" too, deeper than ever.

I just hope tomorrow will be better.

Originally Posted By: sentry
Some times all we can do is wait it out.


I can't think of anything else to add.
_________________________
Husky

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#449870 - 10/11/13 07:02 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Husky and sentry, thx for the thots.

Just need to gripe to get it outta my system. Doing Saltines, Gatorade and chicken broth...still feel weak and like crap. Worst of it is my frame of mind. Have about forgotten what it's like to feel decent, have a sense of humor, etc. It's just not there. I find myself thinking, "Crap. What's next? Why bother fighting?" About the only thing I can manage is the diet...lost eight friggin' pounds to dehydration - it's slowly coming back - which really threw me for a loop (I get what Josh Brolin went thru). Dammit.

Y'know, one thing that gets me is that platitude about how "it gets better." Well, sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it gets worse.

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#450136 - 10/14/13 05:59 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
As sentry pointed out, at least I'm doing some journaling here. Screw it if no one else wants to hear it - fuck, I'm sick of LIVING it - I need to get it outta my system. Guess that's something. Finally doing better this morning after the broth/saltines/rest routine for a few days.

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#450148 - 10/14/13 11:20 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey lancer
I think one of the things I am learning is just what you said, to say it I do it in journal a lot and sometimes I post those thoughts here for the world to see.that makes it more real somehow. but you are right in this to it doesn't always get better and sometimes it does get worse... but I try to go with the averages. I hope it keeps getting better for ya man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#450174 - 10/14/13 10:47 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 114
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Lancer. Sorry you are suffering. I think that caring for the foster cats is a great way to change your focus. Sorry you are having gastric distress. Might try miso soup or kimchee. Good probiotics. Hang in there buddy. So sorry you feel this way.

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#452023 - 10/31/13 08:08 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer - are you around?
haven't heard from you in awhile.
How are you doing?
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#452036 - 10/31/13 09:20 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 26
Loc: CA desert
b.r.a.t.
banana rice apple toast
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#452250 - 11/02/13 04:03 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just got a PM from one of the guys and was reminded I hadn't posted in a while.

Have settled the kitty thing for now, important because they're my anchor. Beige one (Maggie), a temp foster, recovered. Took Charlie Chaplain as a permie. Maggie's an older female used to being the only cat, so she didn't get along with him and scared him a bit. I went back and also brought in the black one I'd previously fostered - a buddy for Charlie - Maggie still was hissy, so she went back Friday to be adopted to an appropriate home...soon, I hope.

Charlie ("Little Guy") and Nero ("Big Guy") are like younger/older brothers. Unusual for cats, they clicked immediately. Nero, to me, is the perfect cat. Big (20 lbs/9 kilos?), affectionate, talkative and very tolerant of the younger cat, including playtime...Nero let's the smaller Charlie "win" wrestling matches (lol...one swipe of Nero's Very Large Paw would probably otherwise end it). Charlie's very playful and affectionate, right down to what I call "kat kisses"...nibbles on my nose. They're both relieved to have the "bitch" gone.



Physically, I'm dealing. Energy's okay. Painful sinus infection/headaches one side the past couple of weeks that seem to be exacerbated by the heart meds for a few hours after I take 'em, but nothing else. Mentally, I feel I'm improving but not quite "there" yet. Sense of humor is, frankly, MIA. Occasionally feeling discouraged at the unexpected side-effect issues since the heart attack: headaches (some severe) that come and go, trots that come and go. I find myself asking, "oh crap, nowwhat?"

Client projects - mostly adverts - get done, though shoots are thin. Again, kitteh kare (food, water, litter, playtime) forces me to stay grounded and the house clean. Hadn't really appreciated, especially until the two guys settled in, just how much I've depended on them to get me out of myself.

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#452268 - 11/02/13 06:43 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Lancer,
It's so very good to read your postings again.
Hope you are feeling better and stronger.
And I love the cats. Just love them.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#452296 - 11/02/13 11:27 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England


Seems Appropriate. Welcome back Lancer. You're the best.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#452305 - 11/03/13 01:35 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Good to hear from you again, Lancer - better than good - a relief!

don't leave us in the dark for so long - we worry about you.

the feline friends sound - and look - like a positive step!

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#454469 - 11/19/13 05:49 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just an update fwiw.

When I had the heart attack a couple weeks after losing Ricky - and when my mood permitted it - I started thinking of recovery well underway by Thanksgiving. I gotta say the past three months have been tougher than I'd have ever imagined.

The meds issue is coming around. Feel better having dumped most of them except for the cholesterol med and a BP med (jury's still out). Claratin has helped the sinus somewhat. Tylenol - my only pain reliever option - helps a bit, too. Things aren't as resolved as I'd like, but I'm no longer in agonizing pain most of the day. And I suddenly noticed the other day I've not had even a hint of angina lately.

Change of seasons here in the South has helped because I can now work outdoors without being soaked in sweat after five minutes. Consequently, I'm back to digging, weeding, trimming, pruning, fertilizing, etc. Physically I feel more resilient than I have in over a year. Three months, however, has felt agonizingly slow, like an eternity.

Getting back into the photo side of my business has been frustrating. Have had a couple awful, embarrassing, subpar shoots. Currently trying - have a week to do it - with an extensive product shoot of few thousand dollars' worth of designer eyewear sitting on my dining room table. (Guess it says something that I have a client who trusts me with that much inventory). Just a few months and I feel like I've lost a lot of my skill. I feel like I'll eventually get it back, but I'm nowhere near that point. Feels almost like learning to walk all over again. (Hospital bills aside, I nevertheless invested in a 24MP upgrade on one of the camera bodies I'll admit was partially to get my juices flowing again, screw the expense).

The pair of cats have been my primary road to recovery. I still miss 16½ years with Ricky and, painful to admit because I'd do anything to have Ricky back, these guys can't replace him or the depth of our relationship. But these guys have grown on me, though I've only had them a month.

Charlie (went ahead with secret nickname of "Kitler") is more of an exuberant youngster - even at 2½ - but has quickly developed his trust with me. Nero (a "butch pussy") talks a lot (identical voice to Ricky's sister Lucy, another black cat I had years ago), follows me almost everywhere, trusts me with his stomach (as a Ragdoll cat, Buddy, had done in my past) and gladly spoons with me...I go to bed with him beside me and 4-5 hours later wake up with him in the same position. Interesting he spoons on my right while Ricky would spoon on my left. Both of them are completely relaxed and secure with being carried - they know they won't be dropped or restrained against their will, every "landing" is a gentle one - and enjoy the view. Lots of emotional healing all the way around...and it helps these guys are paired like big brother/little brother.

...and, as all of my kittehz have done - thx for the spelchk Falcon - they're now bringing in lizard presents for me with lots of fanfare. In cat language, that's a compliment.

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#454524 - 11/19/13 11:46 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer -

good to hear of progress - sorry it is slow - but at least it is something.

the cat news makes me smile. glad you went ahead on that.

and the garden stuff sounds really healthy.

keep at it - the work skills are still there. just a little dusty.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#454586 - 11/20/13 09:09 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL
Hi Lancer. It's good to hear that you're doing a little better. Also to hear that you've got some awesome new kittehz to give snugglez to. When I lived in FL, my old kittehz used to kill lizards that got inside my apartment all the time. Always lovely to find one of those little presents lying around.

Hope you continue to heal in as quick and resilient a manner as possible. Thanks for the update. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (11/20/13 09:09 PM)

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#454587 - 11/20/13 09:31 PM ! [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:35 PM)

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#454730 - 11/22/13 02:39 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thx guys. I guess it's somewhat like breaking an arm or something. I'm cautious, not quite sure of my ability to function, amazed that I can function and, for some reason, surprised it's still taking so long (from my POV).

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#454734 - 11/22/13 03:15 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
good to know you are still in the fight, lancer.
nobody wants to fight,
but getting beat is worse.
i am cheering for you.

sometimes healing hurts.

hope this helps.




_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454989 - 11/25/13 04:11 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
And, fwiw, kinda getting my chops back on the photography.

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#454991 - 11/25/13 05:48 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
That is great news Lancer, just keep it like that wink

And how is your German white beauty? Have you been taking it out for a walk these days?

Pero
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My story

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#454992 - 11/25/13 06:02 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Hey Lancer. Good to see you out and about!
Awesome photograph! But better yet to hear you are able to do what you love doing again.
Sentry

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#454995 - 11/25/13 07:37 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
seriously?!!!

that is one of your photos?!!!

that is absolutely incredible!!!!

such great lighting and reflections - very "painterly"

i am SOOOO impressed.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#455080 - 11/26/13 02:00 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
an excellent slice of light, and a joy to behold.
exquisite machines. great choice of subject.

i love this image.
it is beautifully captured, colourfully composed, artfully crafted, and skillfully created.

Originally Posted By: Lancer


both my daughters are into photography competitions,
and that picture is a winner.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455677 - 12/01/13 12:41 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Can't tell you how much the comments mean to me, guys. I liked that PBY/Corvette one so much it got printed to a 17x11 and framed in the office. First time in a whole fucking year I've done that with a pic.

Aside fr having a nice long weekend to wrap up most of the yard's summer overgrowth and give Dorothy - 14-year old wündercar - an extensive detail inside and out, AND took advantage of lower sun angles just to prove to myself I'm getting my photomojo back (tho' I took a day off the physical activity after all that).



Man, what a change fr three, two or even a month ago.

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