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#448082 - 09/24/13 09:41 AM How to process damage done to others ?
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
How do YOU do it?(possibly triggers)

I was driving over to a mens addiction treatment center yesterday, carrying pies(giving back), and aiming to pickup a game of volleyball with the guys whom i do not objectify (where i had been in treatment for 6 weeks earlier in the year).

...and suddenly a wave of tremendous shame/guilt/and self hate descended on me...i slowed my car, and turned up the music which happened to be playing Light of a Clear Blue Morning(craig hella johnson) and the wave of despair and agony continued until i thought i would literally disintegrate, with eyes half closed and crying gutteral anguishing noises of lament and sorrow the music continued on. I broke down emotionally....dont know what to call it but it was painful, indescribably; and what flashed back was the abuse i placed on another man in my recent acting out back in march of this year. i realized how utterly damaging i had been to him as i recall HIM seducing me(though i wanted it) always have wanted to be wanted......so in my drunken state i complied, and in his drunken state his verbalizations of desire were cursed and dark, and yet i complied. I hurt him. Not physically, but i realize that i damned him by my actions, i damned him as a tool for my stupid brokeness and i damned him because i didnt have the judgement to care enough about him to NOT hurt him instead of trying to help him. and i think of the others that i hurt in the same way.
.......and i hurt,i agonize, i self-hate, self demoralize, self-demean myself........not just because of those actions but because that has always been my modus operandi, though i am a very compassionate and caring,sensitive person generally. Just in my broken craziness/drunkeness did i do this. And I know i am responsible for my actions.

I have not hurt another or myself for months now. my medicating has ceased and the emotions are surfacing and it is rough. How long does it last? What do you do with it when you think you've processed/forgiven self yet it crops back up.....how do you put it to sleep once and for all.....how do you kill it....the shame of having hurt others the way i was hurt.....perpetuating the same abuse on others over and over and over.....though it has ceased in the present......its tough getting over the past.

And though i know the damning quality of my behaviors i still have in me the tendency to objectify men regardless of who they are.....why cant i see them all once and for all as boys broken just as i am?

I suppose that is my hope, my prayer....to see others as myself,,,, not just as a selfish thing for my healing, but as a motivator to hope and "bless" others by giving life/encouragement/hope instead of agony/turmoil/death.

Just trying to perspectivize all this stuff....Don't know that i have the sounding board in my saa group that i have here;

and i apologize if it i posted here wrongly, but hopefully it can get processed.

thanks guys for being here....thanks for caring and being brave with me as we all go through this thing of life.

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#448095 - 09/24/13 12:25 PM Re: How to process damage done to others ? [Re: freeze-on]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Objectifying other men is about being overwhelmed with attention and interaction in a completely abusive manner. Our perceptions of relationships has been warped and needs recovery balance and wisdom to fully realize how we can be assertive in a relationship without being aggressive nor passive. It is a process freeze on, a fearful, uncertain process that does make progress, it really does.

For a time you will engage in relationships, perhaps under the influence, perhaps in passive/aggressive emotional response, perhaps in knowledge and assertiveness, but each time we learn. In learning there is maturing, and sometimes we get hurt, or others, or both. It is important to know.., it is NOT the abuse. It is with consenting adults that are capable of coping and dealing with the consequences. You choose to feel and think and act, others can as well.

You are fluid, always changing. You are reaching out to be healthy and to support those around you, that is a good path. Keep considering your past and healing from the abuse and control, keep reaching out to healthy supporters in your present and anticipate a time in the future when you are confident and strong.

You see some of that future now, keep it in front of you on this journey and it will guide you,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#448256 - 09/25/13 11:30 PM Re: How to process damage done to others ? [Re: freeze-on]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
thanks SamV for responding.

It comes and goes. Will revisit this i am sure.

c

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#448264 - 09/26/13 01:35 AM Re: How to process damage done to others ? [Re: freeze-on]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: freeze-on
...and suddenly a wave of tremendous shame/guilt/and self hate descended on me...

Hey Freeze-on,

You are certainly not alone in this. Sometimes that same wave just hits me out of the blue and knocks the wind out of me. But I catch my breath, and press on, and soon it passes. I will not be controlled by it anymore. I want my life back.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#448269 - 09/26/13 02:52 AM Re: How to process damage done to others ? [Re: freeze-on]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
Indeed Jude....its one of those things you wonder 'how long will i be reminded' or how long is this gonna last....will i get stuck in it....suppose knowing it will pass helps, just overwhelming when it occurs...i didnt disintegrate, just felt like i would. and i managed again for the day.

thanks for the encouragement.
peace
c

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