'what if i just stepped infront of that bus or take a bunch of pills' it would be so much easier. Don't worry im not planning on doing anything dumb but sometimes everything feels so pointless. sorry.
Don't be sorry. You say you're not planning on doing anything but if you ever think you might, then maybe you should consider calling a crisis hotline.
Here's one. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Keep talking. We've all been there. Maybe not in your exact situation, but we know what it's like to be violated like that.
By the way, I've been to hell so many times that if there were frequent traveler points, I'd have enough to travel around the world.
Hell is a horrible place. It's so painful and it feels like there is no way out. But you've managed to make it this long and that shows what an incredible survivor you are.
Please take care.