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#450347 - 10/16/13 12:04 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Glad this site helps you OTF, has helped me to. I seem to be moving forward I think, now getting to work temp jobs at least. They take me away from where I feel the most safe and that's new for me. It's like stepping out and leaving home for the first time as a kid again, but I am a "new me" now so I guess that fits even if I'm not really sure who the new me is yet. Still, sometimes new stuff is hard to face. Even so, I would not go back to where I was when I first came here for anything, no matter what the future holds. Whatever is out there, it has to be a whole lot better then what I left behind.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#450401 - 10/16/13 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Amen brother good for you!!!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#456141 - 12/05/13 06:24 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Well, the contract job stuff fell off for the end of this year, so I've been stuck trying to find something part time. No luck there. Without that I can't do much for school or T plans, but I'm not done yet. In January, I am going to testify for my fellowship group for guys at church about CSA and boys, me, and what it's all meant. I did it once before but now I am a whole lot more ready to speak I think. Still working on healing stuff, but think this will help in that. Someday, and I hope soon, I can be doing something more productive then sitting around a lot. Thanks everyone too for all the support and views of this thread. I had no clue it would get this big, and I hope I can give back too.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#457279 - 12/23/13 03:20 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
How can you be surrounded by people, and still feel totally alone sometimes? Maybe that's true for everyone, not just us.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#457305 - 12/24/13 02:07 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Buff,

I think that happens when we're longing for understanding and empathy from people who are unable or unwilling to give them. It's a stark reminder of how some parts of us (and unfortunately, sometimes our entire existence) go unnoticed. I'm sure others feel it as well, but I also feel the burden of CSA really makes these moments of loneliness more potent for us.

Hope you're feeling a little better today buddy.
_________________________
Husky

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#457470 - 12/27/13 12:25 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I am Husky, thanks smile
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#460230 - 02/06/14 06:10 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I am making progress! On January 7, I spoke to a group of 225 guys about me, CSA and how yeah...it's still happening today. Because of that, 7 guys have already talked to me. I'll speak again if asked, and will take this junk past and turn it around. Yesterday I also said something to someone for the first time. It just came out. I said: "I no longer see me as just some used up kid!" I like that way of summing up me. smile

I know now about some new things I'm going to have to deal with, but also know I can deal with them.

Finally, I got a job. A real one, not part time, one short time, but for a whole year and it maybe will become permanent. Now I can get back to my T and keep going there too. It's a start, it's all a start, and I think 2014 is going to be awesome!


Edited by BuffaloCO (02/06/14 06:14 PM)
Edit Reason: Added line bout T.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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#460236 - 02/06/14 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
well done, Buff!

i am happy for you and proud of you.

it can only get better.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#460238 - 02/06/14 10:18 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Virginia
Way to go, Buff! :-)
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#464086 - 04/14/14 08:38 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Time to Leave

This is not my last post, but this is a major update for me. I have done everything I can here and itís time now for me to log off line, and log into real life. I came here almost two years ago broken, scared and totally not knowing what to do next. Back then I just saw me is the left over shell of something used and tossed aside. I donít anymore. Since that time I started again with a good counselor but had to stop because I ran out of money. Now that I finally got a job, I can get back. I still have stuff to work on, face and get through but I can do that now. Since being here Iíve pushed through a lot as you can tell reading this thread. I faced down memories I didnít want to deal with but as my T said, face them to stomp them! We did. Iíve broken some addictions and they wonít come back. I donít have nightmares anymore and Iím learning to deal with flashbacks. Mostly, I feel like I can finally finish growing up inside now.

Some people here have helped me a lot, some have challenged me, some people here donítí like me but I know now it doesnít matter if people like me or not, I like me now and so do many other people. Iím glad for it all, and I donít leave with bad feelings toward anyone. If I offended you, Iím sorry and I hope you can accept that.

I am not who I was when I came here and Iíve accepted what happened. For me now, abuse is something I went through but it does not define who I am. Actually, I learned it never did define me, not once not ever. Believing that growing up was just buying into another lie of the predators, and they have no hold on who I see myself as now.

So thank you to my friends here, those who have helped me a lot. For those who might still be angry at me, Iím sorry that my own struggle to find healing didnít always come out in the best way. We are still human. All I can say is that we have different stories but shared hurts. So I will try to learn from my mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. I know my path to healing through my faith also bothers some people because so-called believers hurt them, and I totally understand that too. There are different paths to healing, and this one works for me. If anyone wants to know more about that side of me I tried to keep it to my thread in the Spirituality section in my post called Finding Strength through Faith. I know others have found healing other ways and I accept that but I donít apologize for my path either.

Iíll check in once in a while and maybe post an update or two. I donít know how often but again I want to thank people here who helped me get to where I am now. I feel safe, new and growing again. All of that is something Iím still getting used to, but I will keep going. My hope for everyone here is that they can find the same things, and that someday this site wonít be needed anymore. I have even spoken in public now about what happened to me, as itís my way of trying to get people to understand that yeah it does happen to boys, it is not good, and it is not something we can just ignore any longer. Anyway, I really appreciate what people have done for me here. I started this by saying I was trying to start. I did that, now itís time for me to take the next big step and move forward to whatever comes next in real life.
_________________________
ďWe can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.Ē - Plato

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