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#448081 - 09/24/13 09:36 AM Two things still on the table. Triggers!
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Some slight detail. dont read if that bothers you.

I am in my mid 50's. lots of years in heavy alcohol drug fog. Now almost 20 years clean and sober. I remembered all along some CSA. Some is coming thru foggy memory spots.

Two things bother me. The worst first.

I was befriended by an older teen I idolized when I was 8 to 9. He was cool. What I wanted to be. He helped me masturbate and taught of bj's. give and take. I learned his body did things mine did not yet. I remember some scenes vividly with all senses. It was a rite of passage, he said. But I was lonely in an alcoholic parent family, screaming fighting. Physical abuse to me. So this boy was my mentor and hero. He later moved. I missed him.

So I was groomed for abuse as I now understand. But until a week ago I did not even know of this concept. I had felt like a sick willing victim. Knowing this now is not really helping much. I guess when a kid is groomed and becomes close to his abuser it goes that way. I just feel like I was mentally violated as well. This is quite a mind F. I know the abuse changed me. Every woman I date had to nearly love giving oral on demand or I took it she did not love me and broke up with her. My wife enjoys it.

But I was permanently changed by this couple months of idolizing my abuser. It is embarrassing enough that it happened, I liked it, liked him, and now it is a part of my current sex life. It feels like defeat. Not sure.

I have minimal damage, I like to think. Others have suffered unthinkable things. But the. I consider my mental state. I spent month as a teen boys near daily sex parter at 9, and I don't think it is that bad.

In all honesty, I really must be messed up in the head to even think that. I have a feeling I will feel the pain of it as part of recovery and moving forward. I'm just done with lying to myself about it. I feel like I want to be mad, but feel it would do no good.

Second thing. Eventually I may tell my wife part of it. Seems unthinkable to do now.

All for now.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448092 - 09/24/13 12:03 PM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
...


Edited by Chase Eric (11/21/13 06:54 PM)
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#448093 - 09/24/13 12:22 PM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Eric,

It is not funny at all, but the way you begged the rediculous question made me laugh. I never felt horror. And I immediately thought of my situation when Penn State news broke.

Maybe the coverage of how lonely abused boys were targeted rang a bell with me.

On what emotions I felt at the time, I really don't remember clearly. I remember being scared when my parents were throwing things and physically fighting. I went to his apt across the hall. Nobody even noticed I was gone.

It was a choice. Kind of. But it is also a felony crime to do such things to a kid. And that is where I just have this blind spot. It is almost like the Adult Children therapies where you have to go back and learn those lessons of right and wrong and how to see it correctly. At this moment I still can rationalize it to be my fault. This crap goes way deep. frown

Whatever this leads to, it is getting exposed and eventually laid to rest. I thought I could bury this with my parents. Not so. That seemed to bring it to the top.

I have come a little more to terms with needing women to do to me what my perp did. It is supposed to feel good. But there is no visualization or mental concious association. Maybe other women, but that seems normal enough once in a while.

Thanks for the reply. More to meditate on.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448132 - 09/24/13 09:07 PM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1110
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe

I have minimal damage, I like to think. Others have suffered unthinkable things. But the. I consider my mental state. I spent month as a teen boys near daily sex parter at 9, and I don't think it is that bad.


Hi On The Fringe. First of all, let me say that you suffered unthinkable things. Just because it doesn't feel like suffering looking back at the experience doesn't mean you didn't suffer something unthinkable. Please don't minimize or invalidate what happened to you or what was taken from you just because the things that others went though sounds worse to you. You were abused. You were violated. You were taken advantage of. You had all of those things happen to you, you acknowledge that it affected your life and that is unthinkable and it is something you suffered, so don't loose sight of that.

Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
In all honesty, I really must be messed up in the head to even think that. I have a feeling I will feel the pain of it as part of recovery and moving forward. I'm just done with lying to myself about it. I feel like I want to be mad, but feel it would do no good.


Don't try to force yourself to feel one way or another. If you don't feel mad, then don't feel mad. Being a victim of CSA doesn't require you to feel mad just because a lot of other CSA victims do. The important thing to not feel is as if it was somehow your fault. You were just a little boy. It was not your fault and it couldn't possibly have been. Just think about a kid you might know or have known who is about the same age and imagine the same thing happening to him. Does it seem like the same situation could have ever been a child that age's fault when you think about it in the third person from an adult perspective? I would hope that the answer to that question could be nothing other than an emphatic "NO!" So, with that in mind, why would you feel like it may have been your fault when you think of yourself at that age? I bring that up because thinking that particular thought is something that's helped me keep my own childhood experiences in perspective when I feel like what happened may have been my fault or not been that big a deal. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#448145 - 09/24/13 11:18 PM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Allow me to echo the notion that you shouldn't try to force feelings for the sake of some expectational conformity. Everyone's experience is different, based upon their "baseline" emotional state / mental health, and the emotional palette of the abuse itself. You might be feeling exactly what you're going to feel - a sense of bafflement, embarrassment, and betrayal - and if you're waiting for it to "graduate" to the level of an all-consuming nightmare of terror it very well might not. If these episodes were mutual, unforced, and painless, then while it was without a doubt inappropriate and exploitative, you might very well have dodged some of the seeds of some types of potential trauma. This does not lessen what you did undergo or its effects - but it does give you license to feel exactly what you feel and not necessarily expect anything more. I hope that makes sense....


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#448156 - 09/25/13 03:01 AM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Thanks for the responses.

It is funny that for something I am trying so hard to minimize how bad it was. I just woke up in the middle of the night at 2:30 am and had to check this site.

The third person perspective is so simple and obvious.

So some else said that my emotional baseline was a factor. I ran from DV situation to my peaceful abuser.

I remember being in a ball agains the wall, having a basketball slammed into me repeatedly being called names, then running out to his apt. Scenes of escap a few times.

I guess it makes sense. In context I escaped physical hostile abuse into CSA.

It is time to quit saying it did not bother me though. I have been gripped with getting this out now that I have started the process. It bothers me that my childhood was so utterly F'ed that getting sexually abused was desirable over staying home and gettin beat by a drunk. I can deal with that and reconcile my choice. I knew the neighbor kid liked to touch in ways I saw on TV that adults did. We lived in Europe at the time.

I can see as Matt pointed out that it was mutual and painless, and that is why I do not feel the seeds of terror. It was escaping terror.

At the moment, in my own head, I do t feel so screwed up. In a twisted way it makes sense.

Thanks for the opinions. I would have never figured this much out without your help.

After laying in bed waiting to hit the post button, something else came to mind.

When my mother was dying she asked me to forgive her for not leaving my dad and the messed up life I had. At that moment I was not seeing all this. It seems to have a better context now, looking back.

Weird enough, I don't feel so much self hate about it all now.

This does work.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448168 - 09/25/13 05:02 AM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
My major abuse was also set-up, and felt physically good and emotionally toxic. I felt like you said, "willing victim" sums up what I felt for years.

Like you, the abuse set a pattern in sexual fantasies and preferences.

I just wanted to add that as part of the "Me too" idea. You're not alone.

Also I want to echo that you don't feel bad for not feeling worse! Please don't! The guys who feel worse talk all the time about wanting to feel better! We all have our own wounds, and our own levels of coping. Please don't feel bad that you don't feel one way or the other.

Even if you don't feel traumatized, I think it's fair to say that you talk about the immense impact this had on your sex life and relationships, a pattern your abuser forced on you socially and experientially.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448170 - 09/25/13 06:32 AM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I music therapy treat myself daily. Played for a while this morning after tossing and turning a while after posing earlier. Been playing blues for 20 years.

Pieces are coming together and my mind seems to be demanding to resolve it.

Great idea to be glad I don't feel bad or traumatized more. I think I did most of my acting out when drinking. The self destruction. Plenty of that, just never suspected any association.

I will admit that those saying that sharing would make things better were right. Lurking for a while was good to identify. There is just something cathartic about saying, me too.

I will start looking more at behaviors. As a newb here, it is starting to dawn on me that it not just about facing the act. Now how shall I live. How will I look at my behavior.

I need to see how running from DV to a CSA situation is working itself into my adult life.

The time on here, just a few days of posting has led me to one big conclusion.

I have been mentally dealing with my abuse as a person locked into being 9 years old. I have been stuck as a kid in my thoughts. I have not looked at things as an adult.

Seems all so obvious. Saying it and getting support has been amazing. I would encourage anyone lurking to try what you are comfortable with. This place is freedom.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448265 - 09/26/13 02:02 AM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
....I have minimal damage, I like to think....... I spent month as a teen boys near daily sex parter at 9....I'm just done with lying to myself about it.

I have rationalized that "it wasn't that bad", or "I wasn't really hurt by it". But make no mistake. A teenage boy using a 9 year old for a sex partner is in no way normal, healthy, or a "rite of passage". No matter how good it felt. No matter if you wanted it. No matter if you initiated it. He violated normal boundries. It was abuse. Facing that fact, and recognizing how much it DID affect me has been a key in healing for me.

I am also in my mid-50's, also spent many years under the influence, now 16 years sober. I too was a lonely boy in an alcoholic family. I too was befriended by a man who I thought was cool. He gave me drugs and alcohol....and you can guess the rest. None of this was normal, and I have spent most of my life trying to NOT remember, NOT feel anything, NOT let anyone see the real me. Now I'm done with all that. I'd rather deal with the painfull reality, than hide in a bottle anymore.

Good to have you on board.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#448277 - 09/26/13 05:51 AM Re: Two things still on the table. Triggers! [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I told a female AA friend last night. She reacted like a normal person. Thought it was horrible and tragic. She understood the alcoholic home and violence. Understood me running from it. Had outrage at what happened to me.

It was good to see a sane person react, and of course to feel loved and accepted. I just have no real perspective on it now. I am getting there. It helped to talk with her. She said he was a sick bastard. I have never said that, or even thought it. Have been locked in the hurt child perspective. In the Adult Child syndrome.

I will be looking into the books on this topic. I can see it. I was not parented and abused, neglected. I should be a little messed up or incomplete. It struck me that I never thought of him as a sick bastard. This insanity runs deep.

Amazing....
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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