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#447652 - 09/19/13 03:24 PM back to school
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Every year
it ambushed me again.

With August came the
back to school ads,
promises of all things new:
new clothes,
new shoes,
new notebooks,
new classes and teachers,
everything fresh and
happy and exciting.

I am seduced by hope
that this time
it will all be different.

But there’s no new family,
no new friends,
no new classmates.

I find myself caught
in the same old ruts
of outcast scapegoat,
loner loser,
bully victim,

just wearing new shoes,
the latest clothes,
and carrying this year’s books -
until they are stepped on,
pissed on during PE,
and knocked out of my arms.

Again I sink
into a quicksand pit
of darkness and despair
and numb apathy.

Then Christmas ads come out,
promising life-changing gifts
that offer happiness
and new beginnings
and all the heart desires.

And once again I am seduced by hope...

lee
9 / 19 / 13
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447702 - 09/19/13 10:29 PM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
... you paint this picture that takes me back as well... i remember the same hopes and anticipation for a new beginning... and then the utter disappointment and loneliness. a lot of emotion behind such simple words and imagery. thanks for sharing... although it provokes such sad feelings.

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#448066 - 09/24/13 04:24 AM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
That makes three of us.
If only we had known each other then.
Perhaps we could have been friends.
It wouldn't have stopped the disillusions and bullying ...
but at least we wouldn't have been alone.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#448154 - 09/25/13 02:23 AM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
ghostlights Offline


Registered: 11/22/11
Posts: 26
Loc: Upstate NY
Is there room for a 4'th Musketeer guys? If so, I'm in. It's a rather familiar picture you paint, Mr. Lee. I'm only just now gaining the insight and strength to leave that legacy of dread and hurt behind me and I suspect I'm kidding myself if I think I'll ever be completely rid of it. All these years later and it's still such a part of me.
_________________________
-Dave

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#448175 - 09/25/13 07:21 AM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
thanks, Shy & Dave.

guess i didn't learn much in school.
but i'm making up for it now
with all of you to help.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#448206 - 09/25/13 01:33 PM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
hey ghostlights

There's more than enough room for you ... and sadly ... many of us here too.
I have been in therapy for csa and problems with bipolar disorder ...
3 shrinks, 5 T's and a number of groups ...
and am now on # 6 T.
It is only with him ... after 20+ years in therapy and at the age of 59
that I have been able to talk about the bullying.
I was still so ashamed and guilty that I had not been able to defend myself against it.
I am a sweetie of a man ... kind and gentle and mannerly ...
For years ... and still now and again ... I would be unable to fall asleep at night.
I would devise the most horrendous tortures and humiliations and painful and depraved sexual acts my vivid mind could think of to punish the guys who made my life a living hell in
and out of school.
I'm still ashamed of myself that I couldn't stop fantasying about it ...
that I allowed myself to sink even below their level.
They would have never done to me what I wanted to do to them ... but hate often is
irrational and has it's own agenda.
BTW ... the sexual abuse did not involve anyone in my school ... so why my revenge had a sexual
component is still a mystery to me.
I don't want to discourage your hopes of freeing yourself of the bullying issues ...
but I haven't been able to and almost certainly never will ...
I have mellowed a lot over the years ...
but I still HATE them!
I sometimes consider it's effects on me in many way is worse than the csa.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#448207 - 09/25/13 01:36 PM Re: back to school [Re: traveler]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
and ...
What was it about me that me such a lightening rod for their derision?
I still torture myself with that one too.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#448381 - 09/27/13 02:02 AM Re: back to school [Re: Shyshark]
ghostlights Offline


Registered: 11/22/11
Posts: 26
Loc: Upstate NY
Guys, you are such beautiful and brave men. Even in this somewhat protected environment it takes guts to open yourselves up and share from your past and present experiences. I read and re-read the beautiful and powerful words that flow from your hearts and I'm inspired and empowered. It makes me want to give back and do what I can to help the other guys here. It gives me courage to speak out about my own victimization. I hope you realize how valuable you are to me and others. If this were to be your life's legacy it would still be huge. Shy, you went through it all some years before me but your life seems so parallel to mine. I endured all that shit all the way through school. The vulnerability in me must have been so obvious and there are always people who will take advantage of that. It's what made me a prime target for CSA. In a civilized, modern world your strengths of creativity, gentleness and civility should be embraced. But we are surrounded by people who still exist in the stone age, slaves to the basest animal instincts. They make the systematic destruction of our self-esteem their "sacred" duty. By the time I reached college I had no self-esteem left and people continued to use that against me. Even a boss for whom I worked for 8 years. That's how I wound up in therapy for 6 months. Like you Shy, my CSA was not the worst of it. It definitely left a mark on me, and I'm working through all that now, but I think the emotional abuse and beatings were actually much worse. I spent years fantasizing about similar forms of revenge, first about the young people who tormented me, then about my boss. I hope you can see that those things that made you a target are also what make you a beautiful and valuable person. Step outside yourself and look at you the way a reasonable person, especially one with a similar history, would see you. Your responses are the reasonable and legitimate thoughts of someone who was so brutalized, who felt so powerless and alone. They served their purpose, enabling us to cope, maybe providing some catharsis. But now here we are all these years later. What are we to do with these thoughts? I hope we can let go of them and of the hate. Not because that is of any benefit to the bullies. It's likely they think about us very little, if at all these days. Our hatred flows out from us, dissipates into the universe and achieves nothing. But as long as we still allow it to live within us it harms us. It causes stress which is not healthy. I can feel my stomach clenching now just thinking about it. Can feel it in my chest. One thing that has helped me is that I've begun "listening" to my body so I recognize how different thoughts and emotions affect me. I can feel the negative impact of my hatred. So I want to be rid of it for me, regardless of what that means for anyone else. After 47 years I have finally realized that I deserve to be happy. I am determined that the rest of my life will not be like those 47 unhappy years. I'm not perfect and I often stumble in my efforts to overcome my social phobias and "baggage". Still have to force myself to make eye contact sometimes. That's okay. Stumble, get up, keep walkin'. Forgive, let go of what you can't change and of the guilt you don't deserve, grab hold of our mutual respect and friendship. That's what you have NOW. I'm probably not saying anything you haven't heard before. My sincerest hope is you will meditate on these things every day until you firmly believe them.
_________________________
-Dave

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