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#447873 - 09/22/13 02:30 AM ... what changed it all
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
I lay awake
and try to recall
what happened?
... what changed it all?

Of course I can't
I was so small
I can't remember
... what changed it all?

I always wonder
why it happened to me
I lay and ponder
and try to see
... what changed it all?

So many times
since long ago
I agonize,
try to realize
even rationalize
why it was so
... what changed it all?

Was it meant to be?
Is there some purpose?
Was I just worthless?
Was I just at hand?
I want to understand
... what changed it all?

Do I really want to recall?
Do I want to know it all?
Would it help?
Would it make a difference?
Would it do any good?
It seems to me it should
It seems to me it would
so ...
... what changed it all?

So many questions
with no answers
there is no doubt
it eats at me
like acid cancers
that chew me up
and spit me out
I can't help but ask
... what changed it all?

It's such a waste of rest
but still I do my best
to deal with it
to make it fit
yet I must admit
though it's most unkind
to try and fool my mind
it's what I do
but just between me and you

I know

... what changed it all
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#447895 - 09/22/13 12:02 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
bluesky Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 110
This is a question that plagues me all the time even though I can remember even though I still feel that more happened that I cant remember. When this thought arises I say to my self you dont need to know if you needed to you mind would allow the memory to surface. I try to focus on the now on what is at hand. I feel for you brother.

(((((Shyshark)))))
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#447898 - 09/22/13 12:18 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I am right there with you my friend.

I feel like I remember what I need to. No desire to remember more than needed to recover.

Peace
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#447921 - 09/22/13 04:30 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
It would be interesting to have a 'chat' for guys to get together
and talk about the problems of being abused at a very young ...
actually ... or almost ... precognitive age.

Most of what I know is a mixture of hard facts
and suppositions tweezed laboriously, excruciatingly, frustratingly
from years of intense long term therapy with 3 shrinks, 5 T's and a number of groups.
I only know exactly what happened with my fifth and last perp ... I was 9 and remember every detail.
I take it as truth when 2 or more of the above come to the same conclusion.
The rest I flail myself with ... sometimes mercilessly.

I am a bit of an insomniac ... and even though a number of different things ...
past, present and future, keep me awake ...
I go on binges about what I wrote in my poem.

I have been plagued for years by a need to know ... and cannot accept that I never will.
I keep searching for answers that don't exist.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
#447926 - 09/22/13 07:31 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
thedudeabides Offline


Registered: 10/09/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Augusta, Georgia
Nice. You really nailed it.
_________________________
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
and you know it don't come easy.
Ringo Starr

They flutter behind you, your possible pasts;
Some bright-eyed and crazy, some frightened and lost...
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags.
Roger Waters


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#447935 - 09/22/13 09:17 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: Shyshark
It would be interesting to have a 'chat' for guys to get together
and talk about the problems of being abused at a very young ...
actually ... or almost ... precognitive age.

Most of what I know is a mixture of hard facts
and suppositions tweezed laboriously, excruciatingly, frustratingly
from years of intense long term therapy with 3 shrinks, 5 T's and a number of groups.
I only know exactly what happened with my fifth and last perp ... I was 9 and remember every detail.
I take it as truth when 2 or more of the above come to the same conclusion.
The rest I flail myself with ... sometimes mercilessly.

I am a bit of an insomniac ... and even though a number of different things ...
past, present and future, keep me awake ...
I go on binges about what I wrote in my poem.

I have been plagued for years by a need to know ... and cannot accept that I never will.
I keep searching for answers that don't exist.



I know what happened at 8 for sure. I struggle with some unusual forms of punishment I remember. Some CSA, some violent abuse together.

But at this point in time, I personally feel like facing it and moving forward. My future can't be hostage to my past. I guess I am there with you. Struggling with never being able to know, but finally accepting it.

What can we really do besides that? And honestly, I don't want to remember more details.

I'm focusing on recovery.

I may be wrong, but right now, it is how I feel.

Peace to you.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#448005 - 09/23/13 03:42 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Thank you On The Fringe ...

What you say is so so true.
You do say a few things that resonate deeply ...
but mostly ...

" but right now "

... is a huge problem for me.

My 'right now' changes more often than my underwear.
The struggle between leaving it alone and picking at it
is what's keeping it from healing ...
and it's costing me sleep
and costing me ... at times ... my sanity.
I seem incapable of living at either end of the teeter-totter.

Peace to you my friend
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
#448021 - 09/23/13 05:38 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
hey sharky
man I hope you know that I think you are a great man. I hope that one day soon you will come to see it... to be able to rest in that fact alone. no matter out paths we all have moments we wish we could re do. the here and now is this, you are a good man who was a good boy who was wounded you are doing all you can to fix that and I believe you will maybe not today but one day soon.
be well my friend
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448052 - 09/23/13 11:58 PM Re: ... what changed it all [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
((( new )))
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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