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#447924 - 09/22/13 06:57 PM Catch 22
Carol Ann Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 4
Loc: New York
My son is 45 yrs. old and I found out last year that he was sexually abused when he was only 5 yrs. old. This finally came out because he had recently married the woman he had been living with for the past 20 yrs and for some reason, it was time to get it off of his chest. This is where the Catch 22 comes in, the person who sexually abused him was my little brother, he was just 13 yrs. old. I was so shocked, my baby was sexually abused and my baby brother was the abuser!!!
At first I wanted the whole family to know what my brother did to my son because my family thinks my son is and always has been "out of control". My brother now lives 3000 miles away from the rest of the family and usually comes home once a year to visit. When I called him about this, I had to ask the questions because my son was so young at the time he didn't know how long the abuse went on or what actually occurred, 40 yrs later. It started at my parent's home and it lasted about a year. My brother said it stopped after about a year because he finally learned what sex was and realized what they had been doing was wrong. According to my son, he didn't know why this stopped and thought that it was normal behavior among boys. My brother said he would never be able to come home again because he wouldn't be able to face his sisters and their families again.
My son has had a drinking problem since he was a teenager and would always refuse to get any kind of help. He has big issues with anxiety, has to have a drink or two before he can go out to dinner with his wife or with his father and me. He also has anger issues. He works at a place with my sister & her husband and I have heard many times about my son throwing tantrums on the job. He's obsessive about things, get's over emotional over little things, can cry easily,I can go on an on.
My son refuses to seek out any help,he doesn't think he has a problem or problems. He also says he doesn't want the family to know about what his uncle did to him.
For the past year I have tried not to think about it but my son isn't getting any better, he is just getting worse and I'm beginning to hate myself for not letting my family know that THIS ABUSE is WHY he acts the way he does, that it's not his fault while on the other hand I'm protecting my brother, who was like a son to me, I feel like a traitor!
Where do I go with all of this, my heart is so heavy.

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#447925 - 09/22/13 07:10 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2971
Loc: O Kanada
i am so sorry to hear about this.
you are definitely a victim of what happened.
you need to be honest about the whole thing before you can move forward.
that is my opinion.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447930 - 09/22/13 08:29 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
So sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine. If I were you, I would find myself a very good and QUALIFIED therapist to discuss this with.

What are your motives for wanting to tell your family when your son doesn't want you to? Just curious.

But I would definitely not proceed with anyting until you get some good quality help. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Hugs to you.

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#447932 - 09/22/13 08:45 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
frown A big hug to you. So hard on so many different levels - as a parent, as a sister.

Many of us supporters know very well the urge to tell, the urge to qualify behavior that now makes sense given what you know. It is like now you can understand some things that you never could before. And you want to share that knowledge with people who have watched your son as he struggled. Only it's up to him - and this can be very hard for you. I agree with Lucy - find someone who knows about this stuff - specifically about men who are abused - and tell that person and let them help you process all of this very unfortunate information.

I am sorry you have to be here - but know that you are in good company and many of the men who come to the Family and Friends forum will be able to give you valuable input.

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#447938 - 09/22/13 10:35 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
So sorry for you & yours. Please get yourself to AL Anon since part of the problem you are handling is his drinking. Start w/a Beginners Mtg & allow yourself to listen & learn. Yes, then find an experienced T in CSA. My experience is that both will help. I will hope & pray that your son also sees an experienced T. He Deserves recovery. God Bless
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#447948 - 09/22/13 11:51 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: lucylives]
Carol Ann Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 4
Loc: New York
Thank you for the hugs and advice. I don't know if you have any idea what it is like to have a child (my only child) and the entire family looks at him like "What A Screw-Up". I want them to know the underlying reason, that it's Not His Fault, he never had a chance to have a normal childhood,it messed with his mind something awful.
Can you understand that?

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#447976 - 09/23/13 09:02 AM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Dear CA: I can only understand your situation to a point, not having been there. My son is in his 40's so I can surely relate to your pain & it is painful to even imagine in my family. You are in the right place here, being able to talk & get some inputs from people who care, so pls keep talking. I do hope & pray for changes & progress in your family.
PS: It's never one's fault when forced or na´ve, never. I/we do understand that.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#448009 - 09/23/13 04:30 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Carol Ann Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 4
Loc: New York
How do I warn my niece who has a 5 yr. old son & a 1 yr. old daughter without sounding like her crazy aunt? She lives out of state and while visiting her family back home, I observed that sometimes her little boy can be a handful and at one time I observed that she was either to tired or overwhelmed to make him stop doing whatever annoying thing he was doing at the time. She said "sometimes it's easier to just let it go". How do I explain to her that she has to be on top of her children at all times, to know what they are doing and who they are with. I spoke with her about it being time for the Stranger Danger talk but how do I tell her that she has to include family in there as well??
What happened to my son started innocently at my parent's home one day when they were babysitting my son. My Mom thought nothing of letting my 5 yr old take a bath with her 13 yr old before bedtime.

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#448011 - 09/23/13 04:43 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I totally get "wanting them to understand" - but that needs to be the conversation you have with your son. Trust me, I know first hand what this feels like - any of us who are married to a man that acted out sexually knows how badly we want to qualify the behavior - but it is just NOT our job. That's why we support each other. Because here, you can qualify it wink Do you know how hard it is to look in the faces of my friends who know what my husband did and not be able to tell them the whys?? I think you do know wink

The thing is - it doesn't matter if they understand. In fact, they may not really understand. It may backfire for you. You just can never tell - and this is why your son needs to decide who he would like to tell, if anyone.

As far as warning your niece - tell her a hypothetical story. Tell her that this type of abuse is most frequently at the hands of family or trusted people. Tell her the statistics. Educate her.

Focus on your son and his healing. And your healing. This is very painful stuff and I am sorry you are going through it.

Just my two cents... from experience.



Edited by Esposa (09/23/13 04:44 PM)

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#448012 - 09/23/13 04:53 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Esposa]
Carol Ann Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 4
Loc: New York
Thank you Esposa, Yes I do know how it feels. I don't have any intentions of blurting this out to the family (I would like to) but like you said, it could backfire. I can't even imagine how the extended families of sexually abused children would even function again once they have learned about it!

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