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#44794 - 08/06/02 05:24 PM Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
batt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/02
Posts: 10
Loc: North Carolina
My world has just ended. I am praying for the Lord to take me home right now.
I have found out that Holly is having an affair and has been since before our separation. What is even more devastating is I have found out that she is having this affair with her Pastor. This supposed man of God has destroyed my family. Holly went to him when our marital difficulties got to the point where she needed to talk to someone, she went for guidance and counseling, and he used his position to steal my wife and commit adultery. How could God let this happen. How can any good come of this. This man should not be preaching the Word of God. He is a sinner and should be in Hell. What do I do now? Somehow I have to go on for my daughters sake. She is moving in with me, because she knew about the affair and it has been tearing her up knowing and knowing who and yet not being able to tell me. She has seen my high hopes and knew that it could not be, but could not tell me. That is the reason she spent so little time with me, because she did not want to be torn about keeping the secret every time she was with me. God this man has destroyed me, my daughter and my marriage.

My biggest fear in all this is for Holly's soul. If she were to die suddenly today, tomorrow or next week and she is still living this sin, she will not be saved. Her soul will be condemned to Hell for all eternity. She can confess her sin to God and say she repents, but if she continues to commit adultery she will suffer in Hell. As much as she is hurting me, I do love her still and do not want to see her lost.
After much soul searching and praying, I have made a decision to talk with her tonight. I am going to tell her that I know everything but that I do forgive her. I am going to give her a choice (ulimatum?). I am going to tell her that if she ends the adultery now, confesses her sins and repents and comes home now so that we can begin anew and rebuild our marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ, I will keep this as private as possible. The only thing I will do is a private grievence with the Pastor's superiors. IF she does not agree and continues in this adulterous relationship, then I will make a formal grievence with the church, I will file a lawsuit against the Pastor for "alienation of affection" and in this state adultery is still a criminal offense and I will file criminal charges against the Pastor. I am willing for us to get counseling. I have forgiven her and am willing to start fresh with a clean slate and a new spirit. But I can not let this continue. This is having a devastating effect on our daughter. My daughter says it hurts her so much to see me hoping and standing for my marriage while she knows what my wife is doing. Holly coming home would be best for our daughter as well. I do believe that if we can get through this trial, our marriage will be a hundredfold better as the Lord has promised.

God, betrayal seems to be what my life has always been about.

Wayne


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#44795 - 08/06/02 06:37 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wayne
Your faith in your god seems astonishing in the circumstances.
Have as much faith in yourself.
Be strong
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#44796 - 08/06/02 07:03 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Wayne,

I am so sorry to hear fo your betrayal by both your wife and your pastor. Humans are frail and we do stupid and hurtfull things. I have prayed that God will strengthen you and give Holly the wisdom to make the right choice. I hope this painful situation is healed for you soon.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#44797 - 08/06/02 08:14 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
jackjohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 23
Loc: Fallston, MD
Batt,

I understand your pain. My father was a priest and left us for the church.
I was thinking perhaps giving your wife an ultimatum may not be the best decision. Sometimes ultimatums can make people more stubborn. Maybe phrasing your talk with your wife in a way that sounds more like concern for her rather than how you feel or what you want. Tell her you are concerned for her soul and that you pray everyday she will ask God for forgiveness. Tell her your door is always open. These are just my thoughts. I wish you well.

illigitime non carborundum, (sue the bastards)

Jack

_________________________
jackjohn

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#44798 - 08/07/02 12:09 AM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
Eddie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Batt,
Don't do what I would want to do..light him up...Jack has the best idea..Sue him...he was a care giver...man of god...or what ever he may be..she went for his help and he was the head of her church..."CARE GIVER" !!!!!...take your oldlady back and hang on to her!

Eddie


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#44799 - 08/07/02 04:55 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
batt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/02
Posts: 10
Loc: North Carolina
Thank you all for your prayers and caring. Well, I went over to talk with Holly last night. I did not give her the ulimatum. I did tell her I know about the affair with the Pastor. I told her I was afraid for her eternal soul because of the sin she and he are living. I told her that I forgive her and love her very much and would like for her to come home so that we can begin with a fresh hearts and clean spirits and to build our marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. I did tell her I wanted her to end the affair and she agreed to end it. He is in England until next week but she said she would tell him the next time he calls her. I told her that I also forgave him but I still did not believe he should be preaching the word of God or ministering to a congregation. I spent almost two hours just speaking love and tenderness. No anger, no jelousy, just love and forgiveness. She was crying quite a bit, but I think she was very surprised that I was not angry and yelling. I prayed with her for her savation and deliverence from the demonic spirits, especcially lust and fear. I just need now to give her time and give the Lord time to work in her.
I am going to see the pastor when he comes back. I am going to suggest that he take a leave of absense to work on his relationship with God and to confess and repent his sins. I will also tell him that I have forgiven him, though it is hard, but that I may not be so forgiving if he ever lays a hand on my wife again. I will not do anything publicly unless I have to. This man just should not be preaching or ministering right now. Maybe after he gets right with our Lord again, but not now. If I let this go, who might he do this to next. I don't want any other families to be hurt by him if I can prevent it.
I hope that with some time to think and consider, Holly will come to see that my words and actions last night were guided by the Holy Spirit within me and that God has worked many miraculous changes in me. I pray the Gods Will be done.
Your brother in Christ
Wayne


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#44800 - 08/07/02 07:48 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
batt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/02
Posts: 10
Loc: North Carolina
Well, now I am a little saddened.
My daughter got home from school a little while ago. She said she went to see Holly early this morning before Holly went to work. I guess they talked a little bit about last night. Anyway, Holly told her that she is not coming home. She told her that she has heard to many people say they love and they changed and they just don't. She told my daughter that she was to old to take this chance. She also told her that I changed to quickly, that if it had been more gradual she may have believed it more. All I can do is give it time. Hopefully that fear will recede and she will believe my changes. I am crying again.
Did I do the right thing. I was so adamant that I was going to give the ultimatum before I got to her place, why didn't I. Would it have made things worse, or would she be home today.

Lord I pray that I did the right thing. I believe it was You who was guiding my words and actions, but Holly's words today seem as if they are for naught. I pray this fear in her fades to nothingness and she can listen to Your Words and promises. I pray Almight Father Your Will be done.
Wayne


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#44801 - 08/07/02 08:08 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wayne
The ultimatum ?? whatever you did at the time was right, don't look back with regret, but learn from your experience.
Look forward, don't ask "why didn't I ?" ask "what can I do next ?"

Be strong Wayne.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#44802 - 08/07/02 08:40 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Wayne,

Gentleness and love are not wrong or weak. Don't let your anger and hurt get in the way of the gentle spirit you have. You not have to let yourself be hurt but you don't have to hurt others to protect yourself. It sounds likeyou are walking the right path. Continue to be strong and remeber your daughter is watching how you handle this.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#44803 - 08/07/02 09:34 PM Re: Betrayed again, why not just kill me now
batt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/07/02
Posts: 10
Loc: North Carolina
I guess the only real good thing about all this situation with my wife leaving, at least I have learned why I was like I was for so many years. Why I was so afraid to get to close to her or anyone else. Why I always wanted to control and was angry when I did not have it or just angry over stupid little things. Why sex has always been a fearful thing. Hell, even with my wife, I was sometimes afraid. I guess I got fearful when she wanted to control the sex and those ugly memories would try to leak out and I would get really frightened and want to pull away from her. I would say no, if she would want to initiate sex. God, how much I hurt her and caused her so much pain. I couldn't fill her needs because I would run and hide when we got to close and I needed to trust. Trust has always been something very dificult for me to give. I know it is not my fault. God, I have such anger and and disgust for those who did this to me. I would almost be willing to go to hell just so I could watch them suffer for eternity. I want my life back, I want my wife back, I want my family back. Why is that I had to lose everything before I could learn and start to heal.

Wayne


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