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#447894 - 09/22/13 11:50 AM Coming to terms with memories
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Hello,

This is my first post aside of the introduction.

I have been in AA and working those step type programs for a long time. That was my flaming platform life destroying issue for a while.

So straight to the point. I know for sure some abuse happened. I know I have huge memory gaps. I am remembering some things that seem to fit in with other things I remember. It is disturbing, but I am just not getting more upset. It happened. I thought maybe I was secretly gay because I responded physically. Confused just like the FAQ lists posted here.

So now that I am older and trying to come to terms with it, it almost seems not worth remembering. Like, why? I understand some of my obsessions a little better. My parents have both died and I don't know my main perp, and don't have contact or know where the others are.

In AA we learn to identify, not compare. I did not have the extent of abuse so many others have endured. I do have screwed up relationships with male friends, more like none.

It is a feeling of futility, or maybe not worth waking the sleeping dog. What benefits are there to poking the hornets nest?

Has anyone else found this cycle? I have a feeling there are more things I don't want to remember. Can a generic acknowledgement of things serve as a cleansing of your soul without dredging up details?

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#448071 - 09/24/13 07:33 AM Re: Coming to terms with memories [Re: On The Fringe]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1506
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
....It is a feeling of futility, or maybe not worth waking the sleeping dog. What benefits are there to poking the hornets nest? ....Has anyone else found this cycle? I have a feeling there are more things I don't want to remember. Can a generic acknowledgement of things serve as a cleansing of your soul without dredging up details?
Hi again OTF,
My experience has been that remembering it ALL, and facing the pain, shame, fear, and anger have all been crucial to my healing. I've learned that the experience affected me in ways I hadn't even realized. And because of that, I've learned new ways to cope with and overcome my self-destructive behaviors. Its is a long and painful road, but I know its what I need to do to try to become whole again.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#448077 - 09/24/13 08:49 AM Re: Coming to terms with memories [Re: On The Fringe]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1610
Facing the past is necessary to heal from my experience. The buried memories are within you and the effects of the abuse are with you in many ways. I believed denial would keep the past from haunting me. I was wrong because that part of me where I buried the abuse was truly a part of me but functioned somewhat independent of me and wreaked havoc once the past could no longer be buried. I have been healing, facing and finally accepting the past. It has been a difficult journey of ups and downs but today I have a sense of well being that I never knew, a sense of wholeness and I even like myself. For me facing the past and accepting it has given me the life I believe I deserve and now I no longer feel worthless and no longer allow others to prey on or hurt me. Why did I let others hurt me, because the past made me believe I was worthless but now that I have connected myself with the past I value myself. The dissociative episodes seem to be waning and I can live in the here and now. So I believe it is important to face and accept the past so you and not the abuser is in control of your life.

I know it is difficult and it can be a hornet's nest but with support and encouragement you can heal. Good luck and remember we are here for you.

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#448106 - 09/24/13 04:45 PM Re: Coming to terms with memories [Re: On The Fringe]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
KMC:

I couldn't have said it better. For me too,telling the story of my abuse to my wife, to my therapist, and sharing it here in this site, has been a healing experience. Last night my wife commented that she saw me more "at peace" with myself than she has ever seen me before.

I have no desire to continue sharing outside of this site, or with anyone other than my wife. I've accepted what has happened as part of my history, and I feel like I'm ready to move on, and, hopefully continue growing spiritually.
_________________________
Jay

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#448200 - 09/25/13 12:31 PM Re: Coming to terms with memories [Re: On The Fringe]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
For 25 years there were portions of my childhood that I did not remember.
When I started to remember them it turned my life upside down.
This happened spontaneously, starting around the time that I held my niece. I had never held a baby before.

I went to therapy for several years as the flashbacks brought back painful memories and feelings. Still I struggled with denial and doubt. I didn't know what was real. Much of my childhood was covered in a fog.

I went to the jungle in Peru to participate in a traditional plant dieta and ceremonies to help heal. It was like being put in the spin cycle. All my pain came sweating out in the jungle. I saw many things from my childhood, but it didn't give me the clear answers I wanted. What it did give me is an enormous sense of peace. The work I did down there cleaned me out and helped me move on.

Some of my childhood is still foggy. I'm still in counseling. Life is full of joy, sometimes pain, and it's a long road! I've had to acknowledge that my brain may never have full memory of what happened. Like a rohypnol date rape, highly traumatic events can shut down part of the brain that's responsible for forming memories (hippocampus I believe) . The emotional experience (amygdala) is still there, along with all our coping mechanisms. That's where the work happens, in the body and emotions.

Our memories are just signposts... You may or may not see all the signs, but the road is there for you. As little as I know and see, I've learned to trust myself.

PS There is a program in the jungle for addicts called Takiwasi. There's a documentary about it called 'The Jungle Prescription', here:

http://www.cbc.ca/player/Shows/Shows/The+Nature+of+Things/ID/2166412138/

All the best to you brother!


Edited by risingagain (09/25/13 12:35 PM)

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