For 25 years there were portions of my childhood that I did not remember.
When I started to remember them it turned my life upside down.
This happened spontaneously, starting around the time that I held my niece. I had never held a baby before.
I went to therapy for several years as the flashbacks brought back painful memories and feelings. Still I struggled with denial and doubt. I didn't know what was real. Much of my childhood was covered in a fog.
I went to the jungle in Peru to participate in a traditional plant dieta and ceremonies to help heal. It was like being put in the spin cycle. All my pain came sweating out in the jungle. I saw many things from my childhood, but it didn't give me the clear answers I wanted. What it did give me is an enormous sense of peace. The work I did down there cleaned me out and helped me move on.
Some of my childhood is still foggy. I'm still in counseling. Life is full of joy, sometimes pain, and it's a long road! I've had to acknowledge that my brain may never have full memory of what happened. Like a rohypnol date rape, highly traumatic events can shut down part of the brain that's responsible for forming memories (hippocampus I believe) . The emotional experience (amygdala) is still there, along with all our coping mechanisms. That's where the work happens, in the body and emotions.
Our memories are just signposts... You may or may not see all the signs, but the road is there for you. As little as I know and see, I've learned to trust myself.
PS There is a program in the jungle for addicts called Takiwasi. There's a documentary about it called 'The Jungle Prescription', here:http://www.cbc.ca/player/Shows/Shows/The+Nature+of+Things/ID/2166412138/
All the best to you brother!