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#447867 - 09/21/13 11:39 PM Talking During Sex?
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Not sure if thisd belongs in Sexual Identity thread but here goes. My wife and I have been talking about the possibility of resuming our sexual relationship. Now I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, but thats something I never expected to happen. Hmmm, maybe this recovery crap is worthwhile afterall (LOL).

One of her complaints about our previous sexual relationship, was that as soon as I got going, its like I left the room. I'm off somewhere else, and she was left behind feeling used.

Okay, so I can work on staying present, but she says she'd like me to talk during sex. TALK!?!? About what? What can you say when you're going at it? I can imagine things like "Whoopee" or "Glory Hallelujah" but I don't think thats what she has in mind. I don't have a clue. You guys have any ideas?
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#447869 - 09/21/13 11:58 PM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
She wants you to verbalize your emotions while you're being intimate - proving that you're really "there," and really "there" with her in particular. Talking about how attractive and special she is, what intimacy with her means to you.

She wants - as most people do - to be praised, encouraged, and validated during her most vulnerable and (literally) exposed moments.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#448315 - 09/26/13 12:04 PM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 168
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
My wife likes me validating what she's doing, after I told her about my CSA she would worry about what we were doing, was it OK, am I triggering. So for us its me telling her that what she's doing is enjoyable, is OK, it feels good etc.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#448317 - 09/26/13 12:21 PM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3375
Loc: somewhere in Africa
here is a post: one


and another: two


lee


Edited by traveler (09/26/13 12:33 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448624 - 09/28/13 07:25 PM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I think it is a fair generalization that women love compliments. They dress up and get beautiful to feel pretty and you acknowledging it is a big deal.

Women usually want to be wanted, she probably wants you to lust after her only. Turning you on turns her on.

Tiny back story. My abuse was a little different in that I was groomed by and ran to a apteenage boy when I was 8. My domestic violence childhood made me easy pickings. I was his little girlfriend as disgusting as that is. No violence. I idolized him. I became hyper sexed as a teen and adult. I learned how to talk to and undress women. It caused me many problems... Your wife does not like that, for one. There were many others.

But I would say that she wants affirmation. So give it to her. Let her know you love and want her. Let her know she turns you on... You may feel funny talking dirty to her. She may even get a little shy. Roll with it. Laugh when you are done and laying next to her. Treasure the growth moment.

And I really think letting her know she is all you need sexually and emotionally is a huge security factor for her. It sounds like she wants things to go well. She wants to be your hot sexy lover. You are a lucky man. Let it happen. Happiness can happen to you.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448666 - 09/29/13 03:48 AM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Okay, so talk about the love stuff, not about the sex stuff? I think I can do that up to a point. But when I reach the point of ummm......lets call it maximum arousal, I can't even think, much less talk. What then?
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
#448670 - 09/29/13 05:09 AM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Off course that we are never present completely and in continuous fashion generally speaking but what makes the difference is using moments to reach for other side and reconnecting trough anything from talk, gentle touch and so on.
We all know how are the things with us survivors and our perfectionism so it would be good to have reasonable expectations, meaning if we wouldn't be completely successful during the "game" we should try not to be too hard on self. It could be very helpful to keep focus later as it is said that moments and words spoken after sex are more important. That could be good time also for reconnecting trough touch, kisses, hugs, smile, glances and in any other way that someone could think of showing support, interest and importance toward partner.

And hm during the most crucial matters I'm not sure if any human being is interested in talk, lol.
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My story

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#448676 - 09/29/13 09:27 AM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
Okay, so talk about the love stuff, not about the sex stuff? I think I can do that up to a point. But when I reach the point of ummm......lets call it maximum arousal, I can't even think, much less talk. What then?


She seems to want sexy talk too. Start small and see how it goes. Have fun with it. I found out after my first divorce and sobering up that women are quite naughty and in the context of a secure relationship, they will do just about anything. Have you ever watched any HBO light adult content movies with her? Not the raunch ones, more romantic with some boobs and under sheets sex? She may like it and you see what she likes. Kinda like a recon mission on her hot buttons.

Just enjoy that you have a woman that wants to grow in the intimacy area. You are a lucky guy. Roll with it!
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#449357 - 10/06/13 05:45 PM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Jude,

I totally get this, from your perspective.
I had been almost totally silent during sex with my wife.
For me, I think it is a result of the attack.
Being suffocated and warned to keep quiet.

It will seem silly, but I have evaluated many ways of trying to reconnect with my wife. One stands out as means to learn the language, in a sense.
"Text your wife into bed"
I found it on the internet, and applied as best I could.
A noticeable change in our sexual relationship occurred as a result.

Now, I send her a text every night before going to bed. She has a loving and/or lusting message to wake up to everyday.
I see it as fanning the flames.

Just a suggestion.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#449499 - 10/08/13 08:34 AM Re: Talking During Sex? [Re: Jude]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
I have to say I have jumped past this post a lot but I thought I would say jude I'm with you I have little conversation at the regular times. It is hard for me. and the idea of talking during sex... I really cant imagine it. Our sex life has always been very tame and I think I like the IDEA of talk or something but for me when things get more "animated" it is a huge trigger, feels bad or wrong somehow I got an Idea that it just couldn't work well at least not right now.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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