Hey Gary,

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That's kind of how I feel when looking back at my childhood self. While it's never a child's fault, I do try to replay events and imagine how I could have done a better job of protecting myself. A child who has no power can't really protect himself, but it's hard not to play the "what if" game.

I was into that what if game but I try very hard not to look at it. Since I've gotten deeper into my shit with my T I see that what he told me when we first started is unfortunately true. I was abused for 9 years, I did love my coach, I was a prostitute for 7 years etc. I can't get away from that. Yes it would have been nicer not to have to go through all that but I did. I have to get used to that fact and concentrate on the abuse itself. The what ifs and what fors will kill you. I wanted to get a chance to go to the olympics but I never got that chance. So I can't get hung up on that but rather why and what happened to me I have to get through. But yeah, I do think about the what ifs occasionally.

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The aggravation goes both ways, I think. I look at my childhood self and think, "Why didn't you ..." But I think that child is looking at me and saying, "Get a grip! I didn't survive just so you could fuck it up!"

I still don't get the inner child too much but it sounds like my memories are my inner self. But I'm trying to get rid of that kid, I want him out of my life, to let go of that grip.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
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Stick around, It will get better....